Generally Speaking

No matter if you CIS, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer.  All of us went through the phase of exploration.  Be it to discover your gender or sexuality or which careers we wanted to follow, because you don't look, behave or think like everyone else you talk to.  Sometimes, not even your parents have an answer for you, make that most of the times.  And when you finally got an answer from somewhere, it takes us all different timeframes to accept or initiate the change we so desired from a young age, but we just didn't understand.

NOW WE HAVE ME, A TOTAL 180 DEGREES FROM MOST PERSONS

I knew who and what I was, even if I didn't have a name for it as a child.

If you looked at the major age gap between my father and I, but I can definitely say 54 years age difference wasn't big at all.  We understood each other, although at times some of the questions asked were formulated for a different era.  I wasn't judged or ridiculed by him.  He rather taught me, a human being never mind being female or male should be capable of respecting each other and being respected by others, and his children should be capable of taking care of themselves as we should be independent.  But not afraid to ask for assistance when we don't know.  And that's why we have each other.  We perfectly paired off as sibling, each with their own strengths and weaknesses in our individual groups, or unified.

So as a child of four years old, I already had the discussion of me having the big surgery to align my body with my brains and feelings.  Yes I was advanced in certain areas and others I just refused to act my age.  I remember wishing and praying that I would be changed before I go to school or become a grown up.  I remember begging to be changed before high school. But nothing happened, where my dad was my rock, my mom always seemed to be blocking my every move, she is more reluctant to understand, but she is 17 years younger then my dad.  And if it was due to pain, it's mine not hers and I have decided to pursue my happiness not someone else's.

Not like I've ever asked her permission to be myself.  Because I knew whatever would happen to me, my mother would tell me it's because I'm refusing to abide by her rulesrules and that of society.  Screw that, I was taught to live my life for me as long as I have respect, but never bow down or out.  That's why I've always been closest with my father and oldest sister.  I think he understood because of his Native American heritage.  My dad would defend me by saying that I knew a lot more then other children, that I'm not confused or indoctrinated, and that a child can't want the same thing for decades and be confused.

My goals were kept from me the day my father left his corporeal being for the spiritual world to watch over us.  Yes, I do believe in different plains of existence.  But I re-iniated when I was old enough, softening the blow of my completeness.

I've always been allowed to be myself, free from the binding of normal life.  Free to explore if my heart so desires.  Free to be the women I have always been.  I've almost been a closet case, but my teachings and integrity which my dad taught me was important to me always came out.

Now, I hear the question coming from all corners.  If he lived, why didn't he allow the change early?  Well, answer is easy, his  five foot tall wife was the one that always stood in the way of my happiness to change.  Another question looming, must be...  If she was the one to prolong everything in your life, do you love her as your mother?  Obviously yes, but because of her and some of my siblings, I grew colder at times.  None responsive and well primarily more of a loner, knowing that I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would still love to have a child.  But I fear the irreparable damage some parent have on their children, and would I be that closed minded as my mother.

She knows, but do I care about approval, not in a million years.  I have always been loved for being me, the girl I am inside and presenting to the world.  Would I change for anyone, YOU MUST BE CRAZY NOW!!!

Now who know me better then me.