So since Nikki was gone all morning I called my friend M and binged like a madwoman on catching up and going over our recent marital issues.  It was a great reality check for me, I reacted extremely because my bond with Nikki was threatened by the unknown, her bond with her husband was actually severed by his choices(nothing to do with anything like what Nikki is going through, think really badly handled midlife crisis choices).  And then when he realized his mistake, now he suddenly cares and is trying to fix it after some really brutal choices.  And she's a great person to know, she loves you with a whole heart and is really honest with you.  I don't think of my life in terms of worst case scenario in general, but I realize we had a fairly easy and quick sorting out of the initial phase as much as is possible at this point, and am so grateful for that.

And...I sort of floored her.  She knew from yesterday's face to face time friend we had a thing, but friend didn't tell M what it was, just that she might want to check on me, and shared some of the concerns L had about it based on my flaws and some positives they wanted to help me reinforce from my strengths.  So leaving from L's I texted her indicating I wanted to talk to her this morning and not do it on text again.  This is the kind of friendship we have, helping each other be shiny and overcome the dull spots, and L was worried she so emphasized with A she might not be getting me so asked M who is way like me but was in a healthier place with it earlier to reach out.  So M and I hadn't really talked closely in several years, we got busy with lives and live nearly four hours apart.  But it's the kind of friendship that you can pick up at a moments notice.  But she told me she was floored by how much I've grown, changed, and overcome my past issues.  Apparently L feels that I have more blame language than I realize, but also that I fully do not mean to be doing it.  So M said she would work with me and of course Nikki has agreed to point out if he catches any, but Nikki didn't quite feel that the comment I made that triggered L's thought was blamy.  So this is going to be hard improving what i don't quiet get, but I'm not dead yet, so I'll give it my best.  Cleaning emotional house with her was a wondrous reality check for both of us on where we are in our lives, and that it's okay to now know the best path forward and we'll figure it out together as we go.  We'll just never get to Cleveland.  LOL  We didn't get to Cleveland on the phone today either, but we did affirm our shared love of Nikki, and our agreement that her husband has a lot of work to do and it's okay for her to explore her feelings and decide if she wants to repair the marriage or not and owes him nothing until she decides either way.  I promised NIkki and I would make the drive to her in March, since logistically it's easier that way.  Offspring will care for my animals for a day trip, she doesn't have anyone for hers.  We're gonna catch up and eat amazing food.  Everytime we see M there is some new amazing food thing I can't believe I'd never had before.  She was the first time I ate Panera bread, Nutella, and a variety of other things. OMG Nutella on pound cake.  Just saying.

An analogy I used to explain to Nikki WHY I want to be part of the journey and not just the destination, why confused and uncertain but shared is not only okay to me, but desirable.  He likes to go on a trip with the route mapped, a clear destination, and as little disruption as possible.  So it's like getting into L's car.  But I like the journey, that is where I grow and do my best adaptation as the situations go.  I once got in a car with M and we were trying to go from Toledo to Cleveland (I lived in T-town then) and we ended up crossing half of Ohio and back at my house.  But it was the most fun road trip ever the minute we realized we were both lost and just went with it and used the time to chatter and have a blast.  And we learned more about each other and forged a lifetime bond that we have both relied on during various disasters over the years than we would have with a smooth trip to Cleveland.  And saw some really weird crap, Ohio, you are weird.  I think I've finally expressed my feeling to him, which was vague and probably really confusing to him prior to this conversation.  He never did understand WHY I kept getting in cars with M and being late to...well...everything we ever tried to go to together. 

M didn't know about my dismorphia, and feels like I crossed that last barrier of trying to hide things and so much she couldn't figure out about me is clear.  Adulting is hard, I want to just turtle. 

So Nikki got home from Valentine's day, in full on boy mode to my surprise, I thought we were still in girl mode honeymoon phase, but okay, I adjusted my Valentine day cuddle plans accordingly and had a lovely morning with him.  No big deal, my entire plan was tailored to things he said he wanted from me, so I have them in reserve for the day he does want them.  I'm prepared!  We're going to see Deadpool in a bit, and it is only my deep devotion to making that boy happy that is getting my cold shell outta this house into the SIXTEEN DEGREES that Ohio has decided to grace us with.  I need more layers.  Deadpool had best be as funny as people tell me he is.  Cuz our theater doesn't believe in heat.