HI Bree,

Nice post and, I assume, you're feeling better? Hope so. On the "problem" vs. "lifestyle" word choice I'm not a fan of either. I agree "problem" is not accurate. But "lifestyle" implies choice. Like sexuality, ones gender or feelings about their true gender, is not a choice. But maybe you mean that the expression of gender is a choice. I guess I could not argue with that, especially for trans men whom I think we would all agree have lots of choice. But for trans women? Much less, especially in public. I may have minced words here but that's my nature.  

As far as your sexuality goes, and your experiences, I think we all have histories that we wish we had handled better. Time to give yourself forgiveness. Look forward, not back. We can't undo the past! Yeah, once again, Emma states the obvious!

Starting to.  Still have this irritating congestion and coughing like mad, but I've regained some mobility.  So far Nikki's super immune system seems to be protecting him and his case is much milder.  I so have immune system envy.

I think we have a fundamental difference in our understanding of the word "lifestyle".  How do I explain the meaning of a word to me...*Thinks*  OH!  I have to eat.  It's a need, there is no getting around that.  But my lifestyle is how I meet that need, what food and beverage choices I make to fill it.  And that lifestyle DOES have a lot of choice involved in it, what foods I choose, how I choose to prepare them, when I want to eat, etc.  I'm making big changes in that area of our lifestyle right now to get healthier for example.  I'm really not sure what other word fits here.  Nikki did promise not to call it a problem again. 

Nikki may not have a choice in his feelings, but we've worked up a lifestyle together to meet his needs just as much as we are working on the food lifestyle and the entertainment one and the relationship one. 

My past is what it is, and I can't look forward until I unravel the past or I start to make the same mistakes.  My brain functions heavily on habit, because it's off doing 8 other things instead of what I"m actually in the middle of, and I'm crap at conquering habits until I understand them.  So to figure out some of the behaviors Nikki either needs or wants me to change, I have to sort through all this and find the root cause.  Or I'll set myself up to fail. And I'm trying to modify my poor relationship behaviors as much as Nikki is for me so that we're both happier together. 

Nikki sometimes sets me up to fail too, we talked about that at dinner last night.  We were talking about what things he does want to work on with the therapist vs. what is just his natural personality, and he'd made a few comments about he would feel more social if our friends actually lived in the area, and I asked if he wanted to set up monthly trips to the larger city where a big group of them live in, and it was 'whatever you want'.  Now, whatever you want with Nikki is a double edged sword.  He says it both when he really wants something, doesn't care, or really doesn't want to do it.  He has a real problem telling me what he actually DOES and DOES NOT want, sticking the ball in my court and assuming I'll aim it correctly when I hit it.  And then he gets mad at me when I take him at whatever you want, and do what I want, and it was wrong.  So we talked about that, and he finally told me what he wanted in regards to what we were talking about it, and now we're forming up plans around making it happen.  Or not happen, whichever is appropriate to the case. 

We're really working through our relationship fails while strengthening the parts were epic at these days.  YAY!

My wife and I try to follow a rule (but it's not firm) that we need to tell the other explicitly what we want, whether it's for dinner, a movie, whatever. We can't trust that we can read each other's mind and if we don't express our wants then that isn't the others issue. So if try to guess and give Nikki what you think he wants and that misses the mark its unfair of him to get angry or upset with you. 

Like most of us he is probably afraid of how you will respond to his wants. We feel vulnerable when we express our wishes. I think you are sensitive to that and it might help if you reassure him that it's safe to be open with you. But then you must be careful that your tone, words, and body language support this.

Likewise, of course, you deserve all of this in return.

We're working really hard on learning to communicate better.    I've either acted on making the things he wants happen, modifying my behavior to respect things he doesn't want like he's modifying his for me (the no thing is petering out for example, and now I feel on more solid footing that he means yes or no when he says it), and he says sometimes I'll have to push, but he is talking to me about what he wants more.  It's a little irksome, I confess, that 'sometimes you'll have to push me" putting it on me, but we're all human, and I can handle navigate pushing and feel comfortable knowing that when he wants me to he'll talk and hwen he doesn't he'll say stop and now that he's worked on it I know what no means.

Did that many any sense? 

I've been having anxiety attacks last night and today, and it's hard to communicate rationally when I'm spirally like this.  I'll be fine, just too much work, too much sick, and too much on my brain with my family all at once sent me off into neverneverland and it will take a few days to settle again.