Found out a really decent human being I used to see at work every day until the middle of last year when he started cancer treatments passed away yesterday morning. He always had a smile on his face and always had a kind word and he really didn't deserve it. Hell no one does. I guess I kind of knew this was coming. No one had good news and he had to change where he was getting his treatment because he couldn't handle the drive anymore, but this isn't something anyone should ever get used to. 

On a happier note, Bree and I went cosmetic shopping last night to start getting things I'll need to experiment and get better at hiding my shadow and making me look more like a girl in girl mode, especially if we plan to go out. She was awesome about it, especially since I was very lost in that rather large aisle. We bought new make-up for her as well so that when we do go out we look more like girls out on the town. Definitely going more subtle with everything and not going overboard. The idea is to conceal not necessarily attract attention. Either way I was a bit apprehensive at first. Probably jut a bit squirrely about the whole thing really, but once we settled in and started trying to find things that would work on either of our faces it was actually a bit fun. Got a lot of sticker shock though and we stuck to the basic stuff but it was still a good chunk of change. Bree was right on with her estimate on how much we'd spent and I was under by a good $40. I was happy she found another one of those pony tail flip things for her hair since hers broke a while back. I'm thinking I might have to try it one of the days I'm in girl mode. I am notoriously bad with doing anything with my hair even though I keep it long. 

Less happy though, I'd completely forgotten some things when Bree and I had talked weeks ago but had written about elsewhere. Like when I was 9 I'd wished for months to just be a girl even going so far as to wish on the north star while I was riding home in the backseat one night fogging up the window while I had my face pressed up to get a better view. I'd forgotten that my dressing up was further back than going out in full dress for Rocky Horror with her or the Halloween before we'd met and that I'd raided an old box of clothes full of girls jeans and shirts and bras that I fit into and wearing them back before we moved out away from everyone I knew at the time and out to Ohio. I was basically living on my own as a teen, staying at the house and taking care of the horses along with going to school so when my friends didn't come over and I was on my own, I'd dress up and just go about my day. I don't know why I'd blanked on those. 

Really though, life is about change, and while I fully wanted to be a woman at the time and at the height of my depression issues, I thought that's what I wanted, talking with Bree has made me realize I'd been re-assessing myself and while I firmly believe I'm genderfluid at this point and firmly on the crossdressing and not transitioning end of things, I've really been dealing with this and purging for quite a long time. It's definitely stressers that really bring it to the forefront though. Especially looking back on it.

When I was 9 my parents divorce was turning really ugly and there were fights back and forth all the time. While the feeling would remain for awhile, when that evened out so did that feeling, or at least I honestly can't remember it. This would have been four or five years after I was molested as a child though too.

In my teens I ended up having to leave everything I'd known to head out and spend my senior year in high school in a completely new area hundreds of miles from where I'd grown up and that junior year I was mostly on my own and knew it was coming. Huge piles of stress and I'm sure depression right along with it, so knowing what I know now and looking back, this makes total sense that I was looking for something and dressing up, even in those jeans and blouses did it for me and made that go away. 

This would eventually lead to me looking into this again when my free ride to a private university fell apart because my family quit working there and I was stressed and depressed. I'd end up packing it away again when I met Bree because she made all that go away and got me back on track and was amazing.

Fast forward though through fifteen years together and we're both working opposite shifts with no end in sight, me working a miserable shift where I barely saw anyone I knew and hated the people I did work with but was also left almost entirely alone for 70% of my work time and the depression kicked up into high gear along with an urge to dress and everything I'd packed away came barreling out and I explored and came to what I thought was the right conclusion and it kind of broke me a bit. I mean what would that do to Bree? What would this mean for me? 

After trying to figure out how to talk to her about it for two years, she stumbled on it on her own and I was forced to really look at it and coupled with her need to learn we realized some things and worked through some things and it got me where I'm at now. I still need therapy and to work through my childhood issues, but now I have a better outlet to deal with the stress in the way that works for me, and Bree has not only taken it in stride, but been an amazing wife and partner and I couldn't ask for a better situation to try and get through something with the person I love rather than continue fighting it on my own.