So. Much. Change.

There are huge, sweeping changes we have to make to our day to day lives.  Me exiting the working force changes our financial bad habits, and getting those under control is never easy.  All the prep work I have to do to exit the job for the person after me.  Supporting Nikki's depression recovery required a lot more changes.  Meeting his desire to change his poor social habits still more.  Figuring out how to fit girl time into all this crazy.  Trying to overcome the dysmorphia and bad health habits. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all.   It's not a fear or panic attach, it's just a sort of...quiet nothingness in my head as I stare at all the work and have no idea what to even pick up.  I'm just sorta frozen and unmoving. 

And sometimes Nikki can be mean about things.  I was trying to talk to him about some of the changes and he tried shaming me instead of dealing with the actual issue.  Which didn't feel good at all.  Especially since it was something I had asked for help (from him too and didn't get it) to overcome.  He apologized right away, but that unpleasant feel lingers.  And then there is the feeling of it's not really fair to ask too much while he's fighitng off such big things to get better. 

Some nights I"m just... a small turtle.  Tomorrow I'll make sure to be a tortoise again, but tonight I'm just a tiny turtle whose not sure where to go or how to get there.  And that's okay too.  I don't think anyone else has all the answers either.  So it's okay when I don't. 

I feel better talking about this.  Thanks for listening, I"m going to bed now.  *hugs all around*