Between sitting on the sidelines while Nikki sorts out himself and our entire future, and watching my friend whose basically been soloing a marriage for years and a complete tantrum and horribly ongoing vilifying is thrown every time she points out her needs haven't been met in years because 'she doesn't understand what he is suffering' (while he continues to smoke, not do his therapy, not do his rehab physical work, and eat in ways that aggravate his illness daily), I've come to realize my earlier blog about being the partner sucks is only the beginning of what I'm starting to work through.  Not only is there an expectation that your needs will go on hold, there is a social vilifying if you don't live up to it.  People can and WILL call you selfish, evil, cruel, oblivious, and a whole host of other adjectives because you can't push the pause button on...being human. 

And even as good as I have it, there are times I want to slap Nikki.  Yesterday was one of them, when again, despite all the bending over backwards I am doing to try to support all the things going on with him, he again went after behaviors I can't control for my add anymore than he can control his with everything from crossdressing to anxiety attacks.  I do everything from involving myself in the dressing and making fun happen to grabbing the meditative binaurial beats to help him relax in an anxiety attack.  And we have this conversation every three to six months that you live with an add person, this particular thing isn't a behavior I can control.  Why can't I get the same care I give?  ARgh.  It's frustrating, because I spend so much time learning where there is compromise with him and what isn't something he can help, and I realize I subconsciously expect he would be doing the same, but he's not.  Sometimes I honestly think that he so made a lifestyle of suppression after his attack that he only half lives his life, including knowing me.  

But I still have it way better than some other partners I know.  And yet I hear mutual friends criticizing their support or perceived lack thereof of their varied physically and mentally ill mates, and I've come to realize there is this almost ridiculous perfection expected socially, at least in my area if not countrywide.  But I heard the same eye-rolling comments about things like this back in Jersey too.  "She shouldn't expect him to care about her day, he's got X issue!"  "How dare he want to go do something fun for a few hours, his wife has X, she needs him at home!"  And those are just the more subtle examples, it gets uglier. 

Not being in a current crisis state or healthy doesn't mean invulnerable.  It doesn't mean all the burden.  These people have needs that should be met also.  I'm just starting to percolate all this.  I have no idea what the human emotional mechanism behind all this is, but I'm tired and frustrated and really really tired of being told that there is something wrong with me or I'm not a good person/partner because I expect support back and to also have my needs met.  Or for having limits how far I can change myself for the sake of a marriage.  Even with my admittedly overly adaptive personality even for me there are just things i can't jettison and alter in myself, or i don't think I'll even be human anymore.

Of course, I'm putting most of it on hold while he's dealing with the depression and ptsd from the assault, but I still can reasonably expect him to not hold my disorder against me and that he will actually work to get better and not make this a lifestyle.  This current place we're in being a part of healing, fine.  Six months, a year, whatever.  It takes time to work through things, I know this.  But if he became like some of the other people I know who just live in this all about me and make a crisis a lifestyle, I couldn't live like this, and I couldn't even imagine expecting anyone else to.   Just yeah. 

Still working through my emotions and my place in this marriage I guess.  Some days really get so subsumed by Nikki that I actually forget i feel anything until it smacks me in the face. 

Thanks for listening, there isn't really much anyone can do about this I guess. It is what it is.  I"m going to work now.