So...everything is formalized.

As of August 31st I'll be going back to being a house turtle for Nikki.  Just knowing there is an end has lifted a lot of the stress of it all.  On top of my add issues and everyone thinking I'm stupid, there is a lot of bias because they're all Christians and I'm an atheist (something I did NOT introduce into any conversations, but my supervisor who is also my aunt did), I'm a liberal in a conservative group (same deal, I had no need to discuss things at work, but she apparently felt the need to announce my views for me), and there was an uncomfortable conversation with a coworker when I had finally snapped everyone should be treated equal and he said he bet I was the type to believe you could be born in the wrong gender too.  This was just before I found out about Nikki, and after finding out it's just really uncomfortable for me on every level there is, from actual work only where it's so disorganized and unstructured I never get anything right to the social aspect of it.

And I still feel like everyone judges me for not being better at it, for giving up and taking over the home things and letting Nikki deal with earning a living, for whatever.  It's so socially trained in me that I have some sort of duty to do something 'productive' by everyone else's standards that now there is a sort of internal shame struggle that makes no real sense.  I suppose it comes from being out of step with everyone else my whole life, I just automatically assume everything I do is wrong on some level. Nikki has been great about it, and keeps reinforcing how important it is to him that I"ll be more available to him.  That helps. 

Sometimes I just make myself crazy.   I'm torn between freedom from having to force myself to try to get it right and feeling like I'm letting everyone down.  Gyah.