So it's crazy busy season at Nikki's job and he hasn't had a day off in weeks.  He MIGHT get one day next weekend, but it's also equally possible he'll work five weeks strait with no days off until the Christmas shutdown for the eve and day.  And while he's upbeat about it, all the overtime is paying for our next cruise this spring for his birthday and his dad and stepmom are going (I love his dad, his dad is awesome.  His stepmother stresses me out, shes a nice person overall, but she gets randomly weird without warning and creates really awkward and unpleasant moments out of nowhere and talks in a kindergarten singsong voice ALL the time).  So that keeps him going.

And in an effort to make his home time as great as I can, I spent an hour in the kitchen working on an awesome lunch.  I pan fried some boneless chicken in butter, onions, and garlic, then cut it up and tossed it with four cheese tortellini and dressed it with a roasted garlic alfredo sauce after I added some extra carmelized garlic and onions to the sauce, all the while baking some fresh bread.  I laid it all out on the table so he'd see it the minute he got him, and I went to the bathroom.  For a minute.  And when I came out...you got it...my miscreant thieving pooch was standing on a chair helping herself to our lunch.  And she absolutely knew better, the minute she saw me she immediately went into the guilty phase.  *headdesk*  So we went out and had a nice lunch, but all that effort.  At least there didn't seem to be enough onion to make her ill, onions are not healthy for dogs and I don't let her eat them.  It's impossible to watch this dog 24/7, she gets into things.  Two years ago there was an emergency vet run after she at THREE POUNDS of Christmas cookies.  Her stomach was SO distended she couldn't stand up when I got home, and did she stop eating them at some point?  No, she ate til they were gone and she couldn't stand up.  *shakes her head*   She didn't get to the bread, so we ate that for a snakc later, and I saved a bunch and sliced it up and am drying it out tonight to make french toast tomorrow. 

And...I was so mad.  I didn't do anything about it but whine a bit, but sometimes the small things just get to you, ya know?  People are always saying don't sweat the small stuff, but sometimes it's just about how you feel inside and not about the actual trigger of those feelings.  Nikki gets me however and didn't try to put down my frustrations or minimize the annoyance while focusing on figuring out what we wanted to do now that lunch was gone.  He has learned a LOT in therapy, and we have a connection better than we ever had before.  And he just lets me be me, even when it's irrational and disproportionate as long as it's not manifesting in a way that would harm someone.  They say people can't change, but the reality is we change every day.  Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little.  And when we spend an effort to change together, the pay off is huge.

We set a game day for Thursdays to just do something fun, connect in a fun way with no stress.  Mondays we have a conversation slot for anything that is on our minds, in a completely safe zone.  Anything can be said, and nothing is left inside festering.  Saturdays are hobby days, where I join Nikki for movies (he's way into movies, I'm not, but I bring whatever I want into the living room and work on it while watching the movie with him, compromise between my ability to just sit and watch something that makes my add crazy and his enjoyment of it).  And it sounds so silly, and it did sound silly even to me when I came up with the plan.  But...it's been several months now, and it's working.  We don't stick strictly to the schedule, sometimes the talks are Tuesday for example and moves are Sunday, but they get done every week regardless of what day.  It flies against the grain of everything I had been taught by my family about how marriage works, and I was hesitant to bring it up to Nikki, but he and I were talking about it the other day and he loves it.  He doesn't always think to tell me things on his mind in the bustle of our day to day live, so cuddling up on the couch with a hot chocolate for talk time focuses him on letting me in, and gets me to open up a lot more than I do normally when I'm in the mulling it over phase.  And he can poke at the add and dysmorphia in that setting without freaking me out. 

Things can be worked out.  But only if you let yourself feel your feelings.  I guess my moral of the day to myself is it's okay to be stupidly angry that my silly grand romantic dramatic plan & presentation were ruined.  It's not about the dog behaving badly, or the actual food, but about all the effort I put into it and expectation of a romantic lunch time and making Nikki happy that got ruined.  It's okay to be mad. 

It also got stupidly cold here, so I caved and gave Nikki the thermal underwear and parka jacket I got as Xmas presents.  His old one was ratty and he's never liked shopping for boring old necessities.  He'll shop til the end of time for cool tshirts or dresses, but getting him to spend five minutes replacing worn jackets, socks, underwear, etc and it's like I just kicked his pooch.  LOL  I felt bad watching him freeze when I knew I had these warm things hidden away.  I'll have to get something else for under the tree now.  And it really did get stupidly, abruptly cold.  It's snowing.  And it was raining earlier, so I'm very happy today that I don't have to go to work and deal with the ice sheet hiding under the light powder dusting.   I need to make a list of staples I want to stock up so if we get any bad storms we can afford not to care about grocery shopping for a week or so.