this describes me at times

Break Flesh

Secret passions that we claim
Within this Sepulcher of pain
Crossing cadence with the drum
Halls of flesh now overcome
Now the witness' find their place
Upon this convoluted, spider trace
Taking postulants on this stage
Through the postures of their rage
Freeing demons from their chains
Striking down the last remains
Of shepherds pinned upon the wall
Between the pillars, standing tall

Anunitu (C) 1998
 

at times an image flickers ,the broken body of the dancer fallen from her pedestal when the tune was over at last and she attempted to return to the sadness she had escaped from to join the dance,but the sadness screamed to her you have been banished for abandoning your home for nothing more than a pleasure of your own truth.  this the dark will not abide,go back to your dance of sadness,and  become what is required to return to us,or slay that bright light you carry with you,it does not belong here in our presence,we only rule here in this place be as we tell you you are allowed to be. then perhaps we will allow you passage to the other side to that even darker place of permanent rest.

something i wrote when i was told i might write an erotic piece, so i wrote this.

Evening and whispering touch

Oh for dreams of this simple devotion, a touch of tender grace
Soft rivulets of melting ice, across your alabaster skin
And to a motion that could bring a moan, no deception in its flow
Some juxtaposed desire, from your heated breath across my soul
In semi dream like state, awash in mounting visions of an alter night
For the wisdom made plain, with its hollow mouth touching in places sacred
Is it but the stuff of dreams, this molten fevers biting touch
And I relenting from the need, for a dangerous design of care.


Anunitu (C) 2003

my site with my writing:

https://ko-fi.com/U7U2PBFF

let me know what you think.

feeling very empty this am,wondering why i am typing this at all,with the empty internet to freeze the words in place no reply because the bits do not exist as thought,only 1s and 0's counting the pulses of my breaking heart, no no,no one there at all,only the mirror of electronic static and random singing current in those wires  all concern only a warm field of thought blooms that reach critical mass in the dark web,there to fall to the vast imaginings of reality with no solid vesture,only shadows running from themselves. well,no matter,the shadows can not escape,or i hope not. can darkness make a clam to my emotional fires,perhaps if i do not keep the watch tower in its open state. but shadows are not easy to keep hidden in their jails the chains all rusted and links broken now.those old demons might desire their old power to destroy again, i remember those days long ago as a war raged across the china seas. no i will not remember that i buried those  long years gone bye. full stop now it hurts to remember.

I am thinking if I break out here in this senior building it will mess my ex's whole world as she is known by most others here,and she would not like me coming out here but i intend to do just that i am very tired of hiding in plain sight. she can make adjustments this time around, i kind of know some here who know only my semi male image here might be shocked at me saying to them its she not him kids,get used to it. where here get used to it, and no dead naming or mis gendering i did this whole thing at work before i did srs,and i hope i have the energy for it now,people are a pain in their dealing with change. but i NEED to go back to my real self very bad,as it is i have to watch what i say or how i act that would seem to them not how a guy would do those things it takes energy to keep that image up and it also grates on my emotional self because at this time i am going by my dead name i flinch when addressed by it i am so tired of doing things to not hurt or confuse others,but at a cost to my personal peace of mind, let them be the ones with that burden of remembering not to use my dead name and get their pronouns straight. i have accommodated them way to long. let my ex take this hit for not understanding my pain in this issue she may suffer from her friends asking what is that all about?  i stayed hidden to protect her but that time is done,this old lady is breaking out the oh girls in public, and let them go figure my real self at last i would also like to get to know some of the jenneys here as sisters not as a freaking guy in their minds.  maybe they might accept my place in the world of my sisters now. i want that so very bad,have no idea how some men here will take this,but they are big boys let them learn to cope. i am not going to play at the mask game anymore if safety becomes a factor it will be their safety because i learned how to cause great pain in the service. i do not like violence but i am not a stranger to it,if confronted they need to understand the danger they might expect if they disrespect my person. not lady like but who says a lady can't defend herself?

can we restrict types of viewers in the blogs? i hope so as to allow a more directed expression avoiding any underage members can we age restrict blogs?

5:30 am on a quiet winter night,and when I woke up I wondered  if I had only slept a few short hours thinking it was 5:30pm, but it seems over 20 hours has gone by. and in that 20 hours nothing has happened online or in my real life,the question that hit me was why ever wake up,just sleep the sleep of deepest never ending dreams and find some substance there, there being no substance here in the material world. this need for a reality void of any true connection has been growing these last few months since i had a stroke and spent a week in a coma in the hospital felt the most peaceful in my entire life. even though i was  not awake to the world i was aware of where i was in a deep sleep that seemed to never approach an ending and they had to force me awake again, I did not want to return,then they used those paddles and broke my eternal dream, and a awoke very angry at the rude wake up, even now I want to return to that deep silent dream state. I f I do not follow my diet for the diabetes perhaps I will be allowed to return and not find so much lonely here in the reality that I can not wake from ether. my life was at least more awake when I was part of that long ago war that caused many of my childhood friends to go away forever. i should have left with them when i could have I got close at times but life would not let me go, maybe circumstance will  now return to open the way home again. but this life is cruel in its ability to suck the joy and happiness from your dreaming heart. I only wish to again return to that coma state and reenter that soft dream or entrance to the never ending rest in peace home of everyone who went before leaving me to try to chase after them.

again it is very early and i want to sleep another 20-30 hours until the sunlight screams my name again.

a curse "live long and suffer the worlds pain"

thinking i need to go shopping for a better darkness one that does not include me waking from its sweet embrace but you believe there is any army of happy lives,when in fact there is an army of broken children crying for their dead dreams of a caring mothers arms , i wax way to hopeful for a world of such darkness that covers over all our dreams of the sweet light of morning from this long night of broken glass can we remember how that other darkness grew and devoured so many lives? about that broken glass.

https://www.history.com/topics/holocaust/kristallnacht

wow! you write beautifully. I also have had periods of my life where my dreams at night were the best part of my day--the most interesting anyway. At 76, I am feeling more at peace, or maybe I just have a "whatever" attitude. So far, I am in reasonably good health which helps. I am on the verge of exploring some new avenues in my life. More on that later. In the meanwhile,  I will try to visit this site more often and post my thoughts as you are. All the best.

I jot down my thoughts as they come,and 76 is in my neighborhood now,good to have your voice to sing along with me.

please feel free to add your words to mine as mine are so thin and frail as they have been of late. lost in this lonely life covered over by the river of tears that carry away so much pain in their movement from my heart.

thank you for your input,my greatest need is human contact,it seems ever more alone with each passing day,i just want my words to be heard and returned with some comprehension of what those words impart in emotional content not just marks on a page to be deciphered from the secret code of  the language we share.

my words flow from a place i can never reveal because i do not know that spirit in a connection other than the words flowing through me to the open page. i can not claim its creation,it just is my duty to put it down as it is imparted to me. at times that muse is so insistent that i can not sleep until I purge its words from my mind then the softness of sleep is granted to clear my thoughts so I can again speak my own mind once again. shut up spirit,I am trying to sleep here. good night for a while. perhaps to dream of a touching laughter and kittens playing in the beautiful garden of hope and a wisdom of  thoughtful words and the music of the spheres sounds in its sweet melodies 

one very important thing to remember about your image and your orientation if you look very doable at some time a guy may get very insistent about doing you even if you are not ready to accept that attention. so prepare yourself to know what you can allow,all cis women hit this same place at some time in their lives as to will i put out and risk their reputation.

so we as trans need to find out what we truly want in that arena before finding ourselves in an attempted rape,men can be like that when not given what they see as their due.

i have been alone for about 15-20 years with few places of connection in person not by written word. i miss and want human touch more than even sex,it is being held or touched in a caring manner.

my being a be here now kind of person,i do not have many boundries in my writing and i might cross some lines at times the words come with no filter because the words come from outside myself, if i tried to filter them none of them would end up being put down in this format ever tell my muse to watch her self in saying such real life topics.

if nothing else lonely will be the death of me even not by my own hand it hurts so must it causes major physical pain and i feel at times i will not persist in trying to survive by not following my diet restrictions because of the diabetes, stroke and heart attack become more likely in that path.

the choice thing was not my preference but what would i put up with to keep a man in my life before srs was achieved

the need to feel wanted is a very strong emotion in its own way

Dear Anunitu,

Loved the music and how the lyrics was presented on your link.

Take your time becoming comfortable where you are before exploring further.

We all long for human (sexual and nonsexual) and animal (pets) touch. 

When it comes to friends and lovers, you will know when emotionally safe people enter your life.

Your friend,

Monica

glad you liked my writing,i have about 40 poems on another site the witches voice in fact

i am working on the touching thing in my own way spirit contact comes to my mind distance thing energy contact over long distance heard of Eckankar ?