ask a question at your own risk you have been warned i am not in a caring mood deal with it like i did.

damn game swallowed me whole right into a fairy tale almost like my real life, dragon quest great game.

but dreams do not come true,so no good except to waste my time and life on

then right in that game the hunger took me again,no not for food the other hunger

what i know is if the carnal is the only measure of connection,then why even bother if their is no spiritual connection then there is no reason for connection at all because the carnal is rooted in only the mortal coil,and will never survive the crossing into a higher plane intact am i a romantic,if we consider sexual union only for reproduction then why turn it into lust with no feeling or purpose other than a greed for a decaying pleasure that will produce nothing but a transient feeling with no belonging,just a broken ladder that leads nowhere at all. then why believe in a better world at all,humans not deserving that vision we write about or create religion to paint that picture of our foolish wishes of our better angels.

you tell me what you believe all of this is for just a short existence and a slow decaying into the death of anything beyound this life we belong to as nothing more than  a seed to be planted in the gardens of stone?

time is so weird it gets away from you at times,right now i am missing parts of the week.

why am i writing anything here no one ever reads it anyway. i need to quit this stupid writing to myself

oh no alex trebeck has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, no not the jeopardy guy

Everyone, please pray for Alex. He is asking everyone to pray for him.

🙏

i now realize that what drove me forward to transition "emotional connection" was after all a myth in truth of fact. i ask myself did i make a mistake in believing i would find  this on this side? i am beginning to now see i followed a shadow with no substance

i do now believe the human species is no more than educated apes,with the attack because  i have marked that ground as mine by peeing on it. so step back!!

i said get back damn it!!

humans are nothing more than cells in a body hijacking mode, our brains are our enemy's they create different ways to kill with efficiency with little effort,is this what we truly are?

Women,transwomen and the power dynamic, I do not truly understand the need to define the genders as submissive or dominate does a transwoman need to present as submissive to be allowed to be seen as a TRUE  WOMAN? who and when did this become our measure of genders? is being human really so complicated as all that my existence as a full woman has no basis in these stereotype images i am a powerful spirit just because i exist,and our vision of what gender is is flawed by our need to create a dynamic ? is childbirth a submissive act,no it is an action of creation and neutering of the new beginnings of our human nature as builder and architect of a much better species my gender is not constrained by man made concepts but by my spiritual connection to the cosmic female body of  creation of our beauty of being. i am who i say i am,with every breath i continue to grow into my true spirit nature. 

our power dynamic need not be rigid and unyielding to contain an equal place in our life. i myself am the seeker of that spiritual identity not just my physical alteration but the alteration of my spirit to connect to the cosmic spirit of my Goddess as a guide to my reality and my interaction with other human beings no matter the construct we define our brothers and sisters with.i am me,you are we, in this reality we are us,we are them,we are other even as we are rooted in our connection to our mother earth and our goddess selves. my mother lives in my nature as a connected body of spirit always free to be just as i say i am. i create myself every day i live and breath. even death will never alter who i have always been. i declare my freedom to be my goddess given right to feel and allow my emotions to not be a weakness but the strongest part of my being in this world.

Have i driven someone away permanently now? I do hope not but 4 days is a long time.

what value do i retain at my present age? if i won the lottery or became that Heroin by stopping some evil from coming to pass. i am, nothing but a bag of bones  

i need to stop coming on here nothing here to call me back.

no one even reads my words at all,screw this place as well as others that i tried to find refuge at. there is no place for me anywhere

have i broken something? am i doomed to this rejection forever?

i am just feeling disconnected from this reality, it seems there is no connecting to this world anymore,it just seems no matter what i do nothing is ever there nothing solid. i have no regrets on my journey but wish the world were not so disconnected to the true spirit i feel must be there to find any peace. my passing will not change anything for anyone else ,i will just vanish into the digital mist.

there is one who will not connect again i fear,but what could i do to change anything in that arena?

it feels like i have no value as a person anymore

i am wishing i had not survived that stroke,it would have been better if i had just passed.

i am beginning to hate the whole human race and i feel like i am not human anymore at all. that from my age, not my gender status