Hi Tilly, I'm sorry for your experience and loss. Might I suggest that you reach out to your pastor for a quiet and private meeting? As you said, you're confident she came over out of love and, evidently, it backfired. Sounds to me like she'd appreciate the opportunity to learn from your experience and, who knows, maybe you'll patch things up.

Is there a chance the pastor was just visiting? Your wording of an intervention suggests otherwise, hopefully they were not patronising, there are affirming churches and pastors out there Tilly so even if this pastor struggles to understand you, others won't.

The reason I said it felt like an intervention was that she just fired challange after challange at me...I don't think that there is a chance of a calm meeting.  I don't have a choice on weather to see her or not, my folks are going to be in town and want to meet with her and me...I'm not looking forward to this.

It’s entirely up to you whether or not you meet the pastor with your folks. It’s your life, you’re an adult, so it’s your decision. Yes, you’re folks might be upset. That’s their problem and they can meet with her (without you) if they wish.

With awareness of that you might meet privately with the pastor before to provide her with specific feedback about how she overstepped with you and your wife, and how unhelpful and disturbing her comments were. And, if she wishes you to attend a meeting including your parents she needs to be much more considerate and diplomatic. Otherwise you won’t attend.

Obviously all this is up to you. I understand a reluctance to violating your parents wishes but if the meeting is simply a repeat of the last one if’s a waste of time and worse, your emotional health,

Sadly, my biggest supporter right now is my sister, whom I have been at odds with for the past few years.  I wish I could have her at that meeting with us, but she lives 3 hours away.

I echo Emma - Tilly you do NOT have to meet with anyone you do not wish to & certainly not to get ganged up on - more than that meeting with you to talk and try to understand where you are and how they can support you is one thing, meeting with the intention to challenge and bully you is quite another. If you feel compelled to meet with everyone out of respect to your parents then you set the boundaries before everyone sits down and if anyone oversteps them or disrespects you, or even talks over you then leave them to tear each other down because nothing about doing that comes from the Bible. 😡