I was chatting online recently with someone  about kilts and what makes one menswear and the other ladieswear, I sent an edited picture of me in a kilt when I was best man at someones wedding a few years ago and he made the comment: 

"If I didn't know about Dee, I would have assumed confident, rugged dude in a kilt, not realizing the dude would prefer to wear a cute plaid skirt and heels. "

There is a lot of truth in this and a part of what made me say that I must be trans as well as what makes me struggle and doubt sometimes too.  I am known for smiling, I love being around my friends and they know me well enough to know I would do anything I could for them. I have always tried to be honest with folk and so far as anyone has ever known I have always come across as quietly confident in who I am, but there was one side of me that no one ever got to know about.

Metaphorically speaking I have worn the heels and cute plaid skirt for years in secret, but it was always tied to sexual excitement, when I went out to that Pride vent in summer wearing jeans, a blouse with a cardigan and some heeled knee high boots - it may not have been the sexiest outfit in the world but it showed me that I could just go out and have a good time without there being anything shameful or fetishised about it.  💅💋

I could carry on presenting as male me and to be honest no one would ever be the wiser - some days it genuinely feels like it would be a lot easier and simpler and comes with a lot less risk.

But from those who have seen the photos, I just somehow seem to smile more as Dee.

I will have the same life problems and then be adding more to them if I transitioned the potential loss of my son and daughter (though others assure me that they will be fine), the chance that my mum will freak out, the awkward transitioning for my work and how to do that without upsetting folk when it is not something that will just happen secretly, hundreds of people will find out and make snap judgement decisions and accuse me of lying, of choosing to be controversial, of dishonouring God etc etc, all based on their view of the Bible. The inevitable loss of my male privilege and dealing with the constant daily gripes that women everywhere have, but then also having that extra layer of not being seen as woman enough by some as well. 

Yet somehow despite all that I keep exploring and keep wondering if I ultimately would be more content. What I see as my depression could lift because I will not be wasting so much mental energy on all the wondering.

I was out working today and as soon as I could I came home and swapped my suit and shirt for a dress, I have been making phone calls as Dee and I genuinely feel more grounded.

I would say that I am more emotionally expressive and empathetic because as Dee I can be. I just wonder if it is enough to justify all of the upheaval.