Emily, this is a good, dare I say great, place to vent about stuff like that. 
 

If you could do what you wanted would it be:

A. Be happier in your male gender and roll

B. Live somewhere under the transgender umbrella, from occasional crossdresser to fully living as a woman, perhaps with or without surgery(s)

C. Fully transition, legally, socially, and as physically possible to live as a woman

For decades I tried to be satisfied with A, but was very depressed and spent years seeing a variety of therapists.

About four years ago I determined that I am trans (after one heck of a lot of research and soul searching), and beyond that had no idea where I’d find myself transitioning, and was in B.

Three years ago I started really working on determining where I was on that scale. I had no idea at the time that I’d end up where I am, living in C, for the last 18 months. 

One thing that surprised me is that (at least for me) my transition has continued even though I’m legally, socially, and physically, a woman. It’s been (and continues to be) quite a journey. I feel tremendous relief and joy by living authentically. 

The reason I provided all that is to give you some context and perspective in case you find yourself stymied and scared.

Hi Emma, thank you so much for your supportive words! I'm definitely no longer living in A. That switch happened about 9 months ago. So I'll go for either B or C. I've been seeing a lot of therapists too. They help a lot, but I think it will just take more time for my brain to (hopefully) find out where it is most comfortable. What really really irks me and causes me the most annoyance and anxiety is that things are not consistent. If only my brain would pick a spot and stay there. At this point I really don't care anymore where I end up. Could be a hermaphroditic newt. That'd be fine. It's the constant male / female switch that's driving me insane and to tears.

Venting helps though. Thanks for listening!

❤️

Hi Emily, sounds like you’re making great progress. It’s so helpful to see (good) therapists. Of course they can’t provide you with the answers though, you have to work those out on your own.

I may have recommended this before so please excuse me if this is old news: please read and work the exercises in Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery. You can purchase it on Amazon, Dara’s website, etc. I believe you can download a free PDF from Dara’s website.

Both Dara and another gender therapist suggest that I try experimenting to determine what the best fit was for me. The first experiments are relatively easy, such as finding a local crossdressing group, attending their social events. See how it feels. (That’s the consistent way to judge the experiment.) If it feels good or right, keep doing it. If not...

Try listening to your body to determine what doesn’t feel right. In my case, for example, although I enjoyed myself at their meetings, I felt I needed more, like to go out on my own as a woman.

Slowly try new incremental experiments. Always listen to your body: how do you feel? (Fear is very normal, of course.) 

Maybe at some point you’ll feel like you’ve gone further than you want. That’s totally cool. Take a step back to a previous level and stay there for a while. Maybe that’s what you need. Maybe after living there for some time you’ll feel a need to go further (or back). 

You see, every trans person is different, just like every cisgender person. As a trans person it’s likely that you feel a pressure to “just know” what you need, right now. That’s not practical. Conducting your own research and experiments will help you achieve some calm because you’re actively working on figuring this stuff out.

On 6/30/2020 at 11:57 PM, Emilyruns said:

Hi Emma, thank you so much for your supportive words! I'm definitely no longer living in A. That switch happened about 9 months ago. So I'll go for either B or C. I've been seeing a lot of therapists too. They help a lot, but I think it will just take more time for my brain to (hopefully) find out where it is most comfortable. What really really irks me and causes me the most annoyance and anxiety is that things are not consistent. If only my brain would pick a spot and stay there. At this point I really don't care anymore where I end up. Could be a hermaphroditic newt. That'd be fine. It's the constant male / female switch that's driving me insane and to tears.

Venting helps though. Thanks for listening!

❤️

Emily, I get exactly what you mean by on and off again.  In my case, couldn't go back and forth girl to male almost immediately once I tasted the freedom and liberation of being true to myself and when I accepted that all the dominoes and barriers fell. 

Embrace yourself!