A positve, A negative, A positive

I like to think my aggressively friendly/positive attitude (Mixed with an assortment of Sarcastic or Sardonic undertones.) is the result of my upbringing which sadly was not pre-formed by my biological parents until my personality had set and they found me to be unbearable. (Children unfortunately grow up to be people.)I was not truly raised by my parents but rather my grandparents and aunt. My parents disowned me a short time ago, and since I consider it to be a healthy exercise in humanity, I am better for it and no tears will be lost there.

As I uncover more about the world around me I find more and more Trans folk who share a situation or story with me and I find it kind of heartbreaking. I like this site because it seems to be a group of people kind of like me. We know we’re different from each other, but we’re also really similar as well. We find strength in that commonality. I find it kind of comforting. The positive part being said, people at my job are underhanded, nasty, and simple minded.

I know I can’t expect customers to get it, or even to care, but the people I work with should at least make a decent effort. Two of my co-workers flat out refuse to call me the right name, one of them stresses my pronouns in her speech as if to be sarcastic, and the rest keep calling me a girl. I am not a girl. If I were a girl, I wouldn’t feel this way. I try to be patient but being called, “She, Her, and that girl.”

It grates on my nerves. Then I get the sugar-coated-sickly-sweet, “Sorry Ben….”

I bring up the point frequently, “When I am Legally Ben, and legally a man, will you all still act like this is a child’s tantrum?” Then again, I frequently remind myself that I work at Wal-Mart. Maturity is not a requirement of working there. Not to say that I don’t like my job. I actually do like my job, I just could do without a few of my co-workers.

These seemingly continual incidents have brought on a new level to my on again off again depression. I know others mean no harm by using the pronouns, at least I like to think they don’t, but when you feel your happiness dissolving…. It only makes life a little harder.

I do not expect pity. I want none. Facing the world as the man I truly am is far better than forcing myself to be someone I’m not. I only want to explain why I’ve not posted for so long. I find it hard to do work when I’m not quite feeling myself. I’m sure everyone can share that sentiment at some point in their life.

Now back to the positive parts. I started school and my partner, who’s had my back the entire time, is being his supportive self. There’s no sarcasm there. He is, and I hope will always be my best friend. He’s pushing me to do well in school. He’s helping me to figure out how to cope with other people’s insensitivity in a manner that shines light on me, (taking the high road, always). He’s reminding me frequently who I am, and that I am important.