Yesterday morning when I first saw mention of Businessweek's publication "Tim Cook Speaks Up," I thought it was a bit anticlimactic. Most knew that he is gay. After all, he'd led Apple's contingent at the LGBTQ Pride Parade this year and even before that the word was pretty much out. But I was deeply moved by his words and the article. Not only was he stepping out as the CEO of the Fortune 1 company (as one writer described it today in the NYT). He was inclusive of all LGBTQ people. It's not just about him.

In today's NYT follow-up article ("The Coming Out of Apple's Chief Tim Cook: 'This Will Resonate'") I noted that he checked it out with Apple's board beforehand. I think that probably took more courage than even coming out in Businessweek. Sure, he's the CEO. But he reports to Apple's board and there's no doubt in my mind that those people are very strong minded and outspoken. And they are his peers.

Speaking of the Times, Charles M. Blow recently published "Up From Pain" there. Very tender description of what happened to him as a child and how he's finding himself as an adult. Just imagine what he's risking! Heck, he's a New York Times published writer. Unlike Mr. Cook I doubt Mr. Blow could afford losing his income should it come to that.

And then there's another that I found recently: Brynn Tannehill's "I Am Real," her keynote address to the 2014 TransPride Pittsburgh National Convention. She's amazing. Please, please, search for it and spend the twenty minutes watching it. It's that important.

And, there's Lynn Conway. If you haven't heard of her you owe it to yourself to visit and read her extensive writing on her MTF journey: http://ai.eecs.umich...way/conway.html What a pioneer, woman, and leader. I have to brag here: she accepted my LinkedIn request! I'm thrilled and grateful.

What about me? The other day I had this stream of consciousness that I sent to my wonderful therapist. Playing "what if" with yourself can encourage some creative thinking:

• What if: I was always transgendered, that it's not a reaction to my mother's abuse?
  

Perhaps some of the abuse is real and some was in her own mind (e.g., the time I remember she told me that she'd spanked me so hard that she'd broken a vessel in her hand). Heck, maybe part of her issue was that I wasn't acting the role she expected.

• What if: my shame is a learned expression – a useful excuse – for the outside world to rationalize my condition?
  

Might it then be a habit that can be unlearned? I do know that I use it at times as a way to gain some hugs and love from my wife. I appreciate her support a lot but at times I wonder if I only got what I needed because of some level of manipulation.

• What if: I had expressed my desires to be a girl more definitely when I was young?
  

What if there's no answer to this?

• What if: my recent weight loss and trimness is driven at least equally by my desires to express a more feminine image?
  

Because, it is.

• What if: my desires for leotards and tights is more about the relative social acceptability of fetishes vs. my having a feminine expression?
  

Here again, it seems to me that it's more socially acceptable to have a fetish.

• What if: I could feel love as if I were a woman and remain as I am?
  

Why not? How would that look and be?

• What if: I could be fully accepting of myself as I am?
  

No more shame, just pride of being myself.

I feel sometimes a bit embarrassed that this is coming to a head for me at my age, as if it's "only" a mid-life crisis. I think it's more about the urgency of realizing that we only have so much time in this life. If not now, when? Lynn Conway wrote, "If you want to change the future, start living as if you're already there."

So yeah, I think I get it. The first step to going public is to fully love and accept myself, whatever that turns out to be. Then, review it with my board (my wife). And then just do it. At this moment in time it seems like the last step is the easiest and the first is the hardest. I'm way open to suggestions on the first one.

Happy Halloween!

Emma

Photo: This is a fun story. We were in Zimbabwe in an open-air safari four-wheel drive, when the guide/driver stopped in the dirt road, pointed up the hill, and said, "Up there, under the tree. There's a pride of lions." We couldn't see anything of the sort. Even with my telephoto lens, I simply could not find them. Patiently, the guide looked around, and then drove up the hill about a hundred yards to within 15-20 feet of a pride of a dozen lions, lionesses, and cubs. Wow. For tonight's festivities I'd like to be the lioness!