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Emma Sweet's Blog

A blog by Emma in General

  • Entries

    98

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    349

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    62,992

About this blog

Exploration and growing into my transgender self

Entries in this blog

Category Name

New 'Do

It's been just over four years since I left my home in California and started exploring my transition: where was I under the trans umbrella? Over a couple of years I realized that I'm firmly on the far end of the spectrum. And while I was always pleased with my progress I still harbored a lot of baggage. I'm so glad to say that as of about six months ago that burden is relieved and my life has never been better.  This morning I was contemplating: why was that baggage so hard to live with an
Emma

Girlfriend

Almost two months ago I received a message on a dating app: "You have a warm smile." I checked out her profile and we started messaging back and forth. In and of itself this was so amazing for me. I was on a half-dozen dating apps (the usual suspects) and mostly received messages that someone had looked at my profile. So what? They didn't hang out, follow up with me, did they?  Also, of late, I've felt more satisfied with being single. Not resigned to it. Actually, pretty happy. But has so

Glennon Doyle: “Untamed”

I love this book. It speaks to me so well. So much, that I’m reading it again—for the third time. While taking the light rail this morning I read: ”When we let ourselves feel, our inner self transforms. But here’s the rub: Destruction is essential to construction. If we want to build the new, we must be willing to let the old burn. We must be committed to holding on to nothing but the truth. We must decide that if the truth inside us can burn a belief, a family structure, a business, a
  • Emma

New Haircut!

My hair was getting pretty long and I liked it. But it occurred to me that the ends likely needed trimming back a couple of inches to even it out, the bangs trimmed, and I wanted my stylist (whom I adore) to see about adding some framing around my face. So yesterday I saw her and after, she snapped this photo. I am loving my new haircut!  Oh, and I started a diet last Sunday to lose what looks like some sort of baby bump in my belly. No alcohol, very light on the carbs, all that stuff. I'm
  • Emma

How To Be A Lady

Life's good for me here in Seattle. Friends, acquaintances, ... so many delightful connections and living in such a wonderful environment. I occasionally have an internal struggle (maybe too strong a word) with my being trans. On the one hand, everywhere I go I am greeted and interacted with as a woman. My lesbian friends assure me that I'm certainly accepted and seen/heard as a woman.  And yet about a week ago I was at a (cis woman) friend's house and I mentioned that I missed being able t
  • Emma

Good Enough Isn't Enough

I started reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle a couple of days ago. She's putting into words so much of what I know in my deepest recesses to be true for me but have been unable to vocalize. She's not trans, she's a "late in life lesbian, about 45. She writes about how women—especially—are trained from a young age to fit into society's expectations and largely, to passively accept the limitation of their true selves to fit those molds. As trans people we all share this, don't we? Since 4 or
  • Emma

It's a Steep and Exciting Learning Curve

Learning curve... what? Now, almost six years after I started contemplating whether I am trans, I am a woman in most ways except, perhaps, to myself. I have several very good cis women friends whom I love and love me. When we talk about my struggles they reassure me that I am clearly a woman to them. My speech, my mannerisms, certainly my clothing, all speak to the truth of me authentic gender.  So what's the struggle? Why am I writing? When I get dressed to go out I always con
  • Emma

"Passing"

I never cared for the word “passing.” It sounds to me that it means one isn’t being identified as masquerading, as if the presentation (clothes, makeup, hair, shoes, accessories, mannerisms) are all so good that one is passing for female even though they’re “not really.” I don't wish to brag—transition is quite a long journey—but of late I’ve been so pleased that I’m consistently gendered female everywhere I go. I love hearing everyone referring me to as "ma'am." While driving yesterday it
  • Emma

Happy Holidays

As we near the end of 2019 I am reflecting on the last few years. In 2014 after 57 years of suppressed shame I finally started sharing my feelings, fantasies, wishes and dreams with a therapist. With his encouragement and support I spent a lot of time on the web trying to learn more. It was then that I even learned of the word "transgender." I loved it; it felt right I never liked the words transvestite or transexual, both of which sent my shoulders up toward my ears.  I joined TGGuide late
  • Emma

Constitutional Crisis

According to a Harvard law professor a constitutional crisis exists when: 1. The Constitution does not provide a clear, definitive answer to a problem; 2. The actors in the conflict appear ready to press their competing courses of action to the limit. Reading this in the NYT this morning brought forth a realization of how my ex-wife often managed her part in our marriage, which brought to mind "Marriage by Crisis." As she did from the first time I told her that I occasionally
  • Emma

Teanaway Ridge Hike

I hiked up to Teanaway Ridge (https://www.wta.org/go-hiking/hikes/iron-bear) yesterday with Philippa, Juliette, and Clara. The weather, spring flowers, and amazing views of the Cascade Mountains were perfect, as was the after-hike beer and munchies. The hike was hard going for me since it was my first hike since my GCS/BA in late January. It was fun getting to know Clara and Juliette who are mid-30s, married to each other. Full of smiles and youthful energy and enthusiasm. The thing is that
  • Emma

Guilt on the Rise

My ex-wife and I talked yesterday for ninety minutes on the phone. We got caught up on each others lives after not speaking for three weeks due to my facial surgery recovery and her trip to Mexico. That was all well and good until near the end of the call when she said that we need to reduce the frequency of our calls to monthly. She started crying as she told me how unhappy she is, nothing to really look forward to, that sort of thing. It's been two years since I left her in California and this
  • Emma

Am I a Woman?

Yesterday I exchanged emails with a good friend of mine, who's a cis woman, about how before/during/after transition I fretted about my gender. Although I feel very binary, a woman, I tell people that I'm a "woman of transgender experience" which, I hope conveys an understanding that I'm a woman first, but am also transgender, always and forever. Well, I tell myself that, but I still struggle. My friend wrote: "The ways we try as women to fit a standard, and inevitably fail, because it's an
  • Emma

Labels

As I near my fourth anniversary on TG Guide I'm feeling a bit reflective. So much water under the bridge! Back then I was on pins and needles posting here as I worried about what I said (or didn't say), what my future might be. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself; I do wish to write another entry when we're closer to the anniversary itself. I've read a lot about labels and how much many people don't like them. If I was non binary I'd certainly understand. I think it would be so hard to walk
  • Emma

Love the One You're With

Although I live my life as a woman and am comfortable doing just about anything I still experience moments of gender dysphoria. For example, a couple of weeks ago I had a women's clothing "party" at my home where a clothing line's representative presented this Fall's new clothing to myself and four other women. All of us are friends but I was so on edge, comparing myself to them, wondering how much of an imposter I was actually perceived to be. Although I ordered some pretty clothes I was pretty
  • Emma

Wow

I joined TG Guide almost four years ago. The time seems short and in hindsight it's passed quickly but there were many deep valleys amid the peaks. Last weekend I hiked to Tolmie Peak with some lesbian friends. Imagine that, out and about as natural as can be.  Now making plans for GCS, hopefully by end of Q1 2019. And yesterday my ex-wife phoned to ask if I'd like for her to help me through recovery! (You bet, I answered.)  Wow.
  • Emma

Inauthenticity vs. Authenticity

A friend of mine who happens to be non-binary wrote to me this morning about a speech he made yesterday at a monthly event were locals in his community speak on that month's theme. For May it was "epiphany" and... he won! I've had my own epiphany in the last couple of weeks that I'd like to share. Over the years I've often read about the need to live authentically. I assumed that meant I needed to find a different job, career, or otherwise "find myself." I had about three major career chang
  • Emma

I Got an F Today...

On my Washington state driver's license, that is! I sent in the US Passport revision application last week, requesting (and paying for) expedited service. I don't trust our government (you know who and if you don't what planet are you from?) to not suddenly change the rules, preventing me from obtaining this. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me please!
  • Emma

As the Pink Fog Clears

The "Pink Fog" (aka, Gender Euphoria) is something many of us experience as we come into our transgender selves. It feels great, similar to the infatuation of a new love interest. For me I've wondered at times if I'm chasing it which brings up worries that I'm following something akin to the path of an addict instead of my true nature. This came up for me yesterday morning when I read a story in a friend's blog of a 20-something AMAB person who got so caught up in his being a somewhat effeminate
  • Emma

"Eat, Pray, Love"

It seems that many (all?) Seattle neighborhoods—including mine—have these small kiosks where we can drop off books for others and choose from what's there, all for free. That's just so cool for someone like me who loves to read and I often wonder if others appreciate the ones I drop off. The other day I found "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I started reading it and loved it so much. I found myself literally laughing out loud while reading it in coffee shops! On Sunday morning I curled up
  • Emma

On Coming Out

Coming out has been quite a journey for me. The first person I came out to was my therapist in 2014 and later that year my (now ex) wife. In 2015 I came out to several others, mostly therapists and people who participated in local trans groups. Toward the end of 2016 I came out individually to my two sons as well as a couple of friends. Last summer I sent an email to about 100 friends and colleagues, letting them in on my little secret. Yesterday was the biggest day thus far. Yesterday I updated
  • Emma

My First Bra Fitting

I remember hearing that Nordstrom is trans-friendly and offered free bra fittings. But also, back then, I was terrified at the thought. I knew it might happen some day but when that day came I'd know that I'd have to have really come into my own in a much more secure way.  I've only purchased my bras on Amazon. They fit okay, and weren't that expensive. I measured myself with a band size of 38 and as my mother's was 34 I thought I was in the right ballpark. The first cup size was C because that'
  • Emma

My Fair Lady

At last week's meeting with Sandy, my voice coach/therapist, she recalled that early in our work together she'd offered to also coach me on feminine poise, mannerisms. Was I still interested? Absolutely! We thus spent a very fun hour working on my walk during which I recalled the line, "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain." As with so much in life the differences between how men and women stand and walk are subtle. For some none of this may matter but for me I want the whole package. Her
  • Emma

Happy Birthday Monica!!!

I learned just a few minutes ago that Monica's birthday was last Friday, 1/19. Birthdays are a big deal, especially for those of us who're contending with being trans, lesbian, disabled, ... And heck, we keep getting OLDER. I'll not advertise Monica's age, will leave that up to her to divulge. That said this year is a milestone for her. Monica was the first to great me, with warmth and sincerity, when I joined TGG about 3 1/2 years ago. That was such a difficult time for me. It seemed clear that
  • Emma

I Don't Care Much for Myself Tonight

I spent the evening with three girlfriends at a dinner show in downtown Seattle. I should have had a better time. I wore my new burgundy REI sweater dress, fleece-lined leggings, and a silver necklace. If I do say so myself, I looked nice. Nice that is, for me.  I'm not sure I should be writing this at all. After all I'm a moderator here. Aren't I supposed to be like a Camp Counselor who always knows the right thing to say, the right thing to do? That's what it seemed like when I went to camp, a
  • Emma

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