Life's good for me here in Seattle. Friends, acquaintances, ... so many delightful connections and living in such a wonderful environment. I occasionally have an internal struggle (maybe too strong a word) with my being trans. On the one hand, everywhere I go I am greeted and interacted with as a woman. My lesbian friends assure me that I'm certainly accepted and seen/heard as a woman. 

And yet about a week ago I was at a (cis woman) friend's house and I mentioned that I missed being able to travel due to Covid. I said that I wondered how I would be accepted and treated outside the Seattle area "bubble" that we live in. Through her body language and expression she confirmed that it was at least somewhat evident that I'm trans and that yes, she also wondered how I'd get along outside of, say, the West Coast, as compared with her. 

I thought about this off and on for a few days. I've come to recognize that no matter what I'll always be transgender. And maybe I'm loved for that too. I went to ballet yesterday as I do twice a week (they only allow five students per class due to the virus; I'm one of the director's favorites!) and enjoyed the sincere warm feelings I share with the instructor and several of the others. 

On the train to/from ballet I wrote this in my phone:

How To Be A Lady

I started my transition three years ago. So many frightening hurdles and self-conscious steps. Some reversible, some small, some irreversibly committed to like a ski jumper launching her downhill acceleration run, but without practice or previous experience. Too many to count. 

At the start I didn’t have a clear vision of my goals although as I progressed through therapy, presentation refinements, voice and behavior coaching, medical therapies, and surgeries, I found my deep seated need to be fully female internally as well as to the outside world. 

My friends, mostly cisgender lesbians, repeatedly assured me that I was unequivocally a woman. But these days I am coming to the realization that no matter what I do, how well I pass, I am always transgender.

Like ones sexuality, skin color, cultural background, education, or life, being trans isn’t my primary identity. I am a lady then and now. I arrived here by a different route than cisgender women, but I’m here all the same.

If I’m going to see the future I want, I need to live and breathe it.