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What is Ambivalence Telling Me?


Emma

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When I wrote my blog post about the "breaking of my fever" I asked myself if I was only experiencing the rush of gender euphoria. You know, that feeling of infatuation for a new love where you're so enthralled with finding the perfect soul mate... and you've only known them for a week or two. So, if my enthusiasm has waned even a bit, does this mean my journey is starting in the wrong direction?

There are plenty of times when I reflect:

  • Am I merely finding joy in exploring a childhood fantasy?
  • Am I rationalizing or justifying my erotic desires?
  • My God, I have so much, a wonderful partner and we share a wonderful life. What if I hurt this irrevocably?
  • When I look back on this time am I going to have terrible regrets?

Sure, I should just check into that Mindful Meditation Zen place and focus on the now, let the future take care of itself. Easy to say, harder to do.

What to do? I recall Riley in the 20/20 show I posted about, the 11 year old transgirl. And the other girls there and in Just Gender. Let's face it, they're me and I'm them. But I also remember liking to play with slot cars, train sets, and building models of airplanes and ships. Maybe there's a happy medium for me in the gender spectrum. Probably is, I just need to find it.

In the meantime I need to stay the course. It's been too many years drifting without a compass, unbearably unhappy, wondering what the hell was wrong with me but deep down knowing. I guess we all experience ambivalence at times. It's part of life. As transgenderism is part of mine.

Emma

Photo: Took this shot of a giraffe in Zimbabwe, I think. When we first arrived in South Africa I was shooting everything that moved. After two weeks, not as many shots. "Oh yeah? Another giraffe? Okay, thanks. I'll continue reading my book."

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Hi Emma,

If you don't mind me asking, have you talked to a therapist or psychologist who deals with gender issues? Obviously, everyone is different (as are their circumstances), but I personally feel that this has helped me a great deal. Just something to consider... maybe others will share their opinions or experiences on this topic, too.

I wish you peace and happiness in whereever your journey takes you.

Best,

-Sara

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Hi Sara,

Thankfully I have a great therapist. The best I've ever had, and he's helped me tremendously. And no, I don't mind your asking at all, and thank you for your interest.

Regardless of having a great therapist I'm of course often thinking about things, and I've found that posting on this blog has helped me sort things out. When I started writing this one I really didn't know what the end was going to be. But as I reached the last paragraph the end became more obvious. I think it's worth posting because I really do like hearing feedback and ideas. It feels good to feel like I'm in a friendly community like TG Guide. And I also hope that others may find my writing helpful because they're going through similar issues.

Thanks so much for your kind words and wishes. I wish you only the best as well.

Sincerely,

Emma

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