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Every Day is either a Struggle or Adventure


WarrenG

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Anyone going through the journey of one gender to another KNOWS that every day changes.

For me, I have three stages I could hit. One day, I tollerate it. TOLLERATE it. It's on my mind all day, but I do my best to just do what I'm doing and ignore what's going on.

Then I have my heartbreak days. Days when every instant that I remember what I'm going through and how I'm physically stuck, makes me want to curl up in a bathroom stall and cry till I cant breathe anymore. It physically HURTS to know that I'm stuck as everyone sees me.

Then there's my angry days. Days when every second, every reminder, every person talking to absolutely PISSES me off! Nothing is safe from my fury. I have bruised my chest and face on these days, when I am so angry that I escape all rational thought and just want them Gone. Want ALL of it...just...gone.

These days hit at random, and I cannot tell you "It'll be okay" because at the times they hit, it sure as hell doesnt feel like its going to be okay. Either you want to disappear, cry til you die, or simply strangle the hell out of every person you see.

Someone once told me that because I'm a transman, that's why I get so angry all the time. Imaginary Testosterone in me 0.o But I think they were just trying to make me feel better. Doesnt really seem possible, I dont think.

This morning as I was doing my daily exercise routine, it hit me like a brick. Just a sudden wave of hopeless depression. Lifting weights, doing situps, doing pushups...what am I doing all this for? To shrink my bust size? Doesnt seem to do much...To strengthen my arms and bulk them up to look more masculine? Maybe, but it seems failed.

I ache all day in my shoulders and back from exercising before work, and for what?

I was finishing up my pushups when I couldnt do any more, and just laid there on the floor holding my head, trying not to emotionally lose it.

Why does transitioning have to be so hard? Why cant we just wake up, say "I'm done with you gender, I'm being me now, damit!" and just POOF into what we truely are?

Why do we have to jump through so many damn hoops, try to endure the agony of judgement, and hide in the shadows until society deems us worthy to spread our wings?

It's not fair. When I was younger, I used to CONSTANTLY ask myself "What did I do in a past life that was so agonizingly horrible, that I would be reborn in the WRONG BODY!? What did I do to deserve this?!"

Waking up and getting angry at your reflection. Wanting to do things, only to have your family or friends say "______s dont do that. You're a _____, you're not supposed to do that."

SAYS WHO!? Is there an unwritten book of law about gender roles?! Who ever wrote the book to say girls cant shoot guns, drive fast cars, or dress like men? Who wrote the book to say that men cant wear a dress, look pretty in makeup, play with dolls or get excited about the latest heels?

I want to know who wrote that book. And I want to shove their face into a bowl of lemon juice and strap it there! How could the world be so unfair....

Yet....we endure...dont we?

We shine the brightest we can shine. We raise our chins high and walk where we need to go, regardless of the pointed fingers and staring eyes. We put on our boots or heels, do our hair, and endure the judgement of the world.

We mask the pain, put on our stone cold masks of smiles and grins, while deep inside we're melting away like hot wax. The things we endure...just to be ourselves.

So I got up off that floor, brushed myself off, and took a breath. I put in my headphones, and turned to my favorite song. Growling to myself, I straightened my shoulders, and I punched that floor. I punched it so hard, my knuckle cracked and my fingers swelled. I got back on my knees and fists, and I kept going with the pushups. I kept sweating on that floor, I kept giving my ipod a deathstare below me. Why? Because I have to.

We have to.

We have to be stronger than those staring eyes. We have to be more persistent than those pointed fingers. We have to be braver than the words they speak. We have to be proud. We have to be..us.

What else could we possibly do aside from hide in the shadows?

That will get us nothing but darkness and snickering smirks from the world around us.

I'm done playing pretend.

I'm done playing dressup.

You dont like who I am, you'll just have to find something else to jeer at. Because I dont care anymore.

Kristy is down the drain. I shoved her down that pipe and I turned on the food grinder.

She's dead.

Warren is taking her place, and cutting her hair away. Her waist long hair doesnt exist. Her pretty little red sneakers are in the trash. Her flowing blouses are Warren's rags to wipe his hands on while working on his jeep. Because damnit he likes working on his car, and no one can tell him no anymore.

Warren

P.S.

Song is Silhouettes by Avicii...You should REALLY REALLY look up the music video.

That and Ruby Rose's video for Break Free

Plus basically ANYTHING from Adam Lambert is amazing

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Dearest Warren,

It's so good to see your latest post here. Your writing touches me. I do share your pain, worries, doubts, and sometimes, joys. I also wish there was a button one could push and instantly be done with it, either changing my DNA/sex/gender or society's beliefs/reactions or both. It is freaking frustrating that there isn't such a thing.

About anger and sensitivity: I don't think it's testosterone but a natural reaction to the frustrations you feel. The situation we are in isn't fair at all. It seems to me that we can consider it in the "five stages of grief" model, where Anger is #2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model Oh boy, we still have Bargaining and Depression to look forward to before reaching Acceptance. But hey, at least we're past Denial! The model isn't perfect for sure, and I believe we wax and wane between the stages all the time. But it helps me to have some sort of reference point.

I was also feeling much the way you are the past few days. My wonderful therapist advised that I "listen to Emma," that she knows my heart. I still have my worries and hurts, but this helps me. So you, too: listen to Warren!.

As you wrote, go be yourself, a transman. Replace Kristy's clothes and presence with Warren's. Be Warren, the guy who likes to get dirty, work on his car, works out.

One piece of advice, perhaps worth 2c: don't drown Kristy. She's your heritage and will always be there for you deep down. It wasn't her fault either that you were born female. She loves you too.

Be well, Warren,

Emma

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LOL... wow! You do not know how much I can relate to, and understand, the anger you describe, and that laces this blog entry (whether you intended for it to or not). But I also understand the other two emotions... tolerating things (just barely) as they are. And then the physical hurt, the pain that keeps me teetering on the edge of tears. But it seems that the anger is the worse. It's like I can do nothing about it but let it run it's course.

On the days the anger has a death grip on my silicone huevos, I cannot read certain TGLB articles depending upon the topic, I cannot read certain posts here on the forums - sometimes none at all. All I can do is sign in and make sure no one has come here acting like an idiot, or trying to use our forums for their spam. To be "ma'am'ed" twists my insides into knots to the point that it sometimes makes me flinch. Someone (most often another man) innocently opening a door for me makes me wanna rip the door from it's hinges and beat the living crap out of him.

Yeah...the anger... geez. The anger. <shaking head> I think only three things keep me from snapping:

................. My girlfriend. She somehow knows how to get my mind off things and calm me down. She is my one-woman support group. It seems she can make me smile on my worst days.

................. TG Guide. Knowing there are people here that can relate, and accept me for my true self.

................. And now I have another little furry child. Dogs (pets in general I guess) love you no matter what. To her, I'm just that human critter that loves her and that she can depend on. And if I tell her that I'm "Daddy," she doesn't question it, or look at me stupid, or try to tell me otherwise.

-Michael

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Hi Warren

This got to me man. I hit all three of those in one day and once I'm in that funk it last for days.

Like you I work out till I'm dead but sometimes I think for what. No one sees me how I want unless my girlfriend has "the talk" with them. I'm to embarrassed by the though of telling someone that thinks I'm a girl to tell them that I'm a guy. Or I lie and say what I'm no girl and just shrug it off.

It's hard most of the time. just grin and bare it I guess.

I think one day we all will be what we want but we will be better people for all the crap we had to go through.

Good luck to you

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