Anyone going through the journey of one gender to another KNOWS that every day changes.

For me, I have three stages I could hit. One day, I tollerate it. TOLLERATE it. It's on my mind all day, but I do my best to just do what I'm doing and ignore what's going on.

Then I have my heartbreak days. Days when every instant that I remember what I'm going through and how I'm physically stuck, makes me want to curl up in a bathroom stall and cry till I cant breathe anymore. It physically HURTS to know that I'm stuck as everyone sees me.

Then there's my angry days. Days when every second, every reminder, every person talking to absolutely PISSES me off! Nothing is safe from my fury. I have bruised my chest and face on these days, when I am so angry that I escape all rational thought and just want them Gone. Want ALL of it...just...gone.

These days hit at random, and I cannot tell you "It'll be okay" because at the times they hit, it sure as hell doesnt feel like its going to be okay. Either you want to disappear, cry til you die, or simply strangle the hell out of every person you see.

Someone once told me that because I'm a transman, that's why I get so angry all the time. Imaginary Testosterone in me 0.o But I think they were just trying to make me feel better. Doesnt really seem possible, I dont think.

This morning as I was doing my daily exercise routine, it hit me like a brick. Just a sudden wave of hopeless depression. Lifting weights, doing situps, doing pushups...what am I doing all this for? To shrink my bust size? Doesnt seem to do much...To strengthen my arms and bulk them up to look more masculine? Maybe, but it seems failed.

I ache all day in my shoulders and back from exercising before work, and for what?

I was finishing up my pushups when I couldnt do any more, and just laid there on the floor holding my head, trying not to emotionally lose it.

Why does transitioning have to be so hard? Why cant we just wake up, say "I'm done with you gender, I'm being me now, damit!" and just POOF into what we truely are?

Why do we have to jump through so many damn hoops, try to endure the agony of judgement, and hide in the shadows until society deems us worthy to spread our wings?

It's not fair. When I was younger, I used to CONSTANTLY ask myself "What did I do in a past life that was so agonizingly horrible, that I would be reborn in the WRONG BODY!? What did I do to deserve this?!"

Waking up and getting angry at your reflection. Wanting to do things, only to have your family or friends say "______s dont do that. You're a _____, you're not supposed to do that."

SAYS WHO!? Is there an unwritten book of law about gender roles?! Who ever wrote the book to say girls cant shoot guns, drive fast cars, or dress like men? Who wrote the book to say that men cant wear a dress, look pretty in makeup, play with dolls or get excited about the latest heels?

I want to know who wrote that book. And I want to shove their face into a bowl of lemon juice and strap it there! How could the world be so unfair....

Yet....we endure...dont we?

We shine the brightest we can shine. We raise our chins high and walk where we need to go, regardless of the pointed fingers and staring eyes. We put on our boots or heels, do our hair, and endure the judgement of the world.

We mask the pain, put on our stone cold masks of smiles and grins, while deep inside we're melting away like hot wax. The things we endure...just to be ourselves.

So I got up off that floor, brushed myself off, and took a breath. I put in my headphones, and turned to my favorite song. Growling to myself, I straightened my shoulders, and I punched that floor. I punched it so hard, my knuckle cracked and my fingers swelled. I got back on my knees and fists, and I kept going with the pushups. I kept sweating on that floor, I kept giving my ipod a deathstare below me. Why? Because I have to.

We have to.

We have to be stronger than those staring eyes. We have to be more persistent than those pointed fingers. We have to be braver than the words they speak. We have to be proud. We have to be..us.

What else could we possibly do aside from hide in the shadows?

That will get us nothing but darkness and snickering smirks from the world around us.

I'm done playing pretend.

I'm done playing dressup.

You dont like who I am, you'll just have to find something else to jeer at. Because I dont care anymore.

Kristy is down the drain. I shoved her down that pipe and I turned on the food grinder.

She's dead.

Warren is taking her place, and cutting her hair away. Her waist long hair doesnt exist. Her pretty little red sneakers are in the trash. Her flowing blouses are Warren's rags to wipe his hands on while working on his jeep. Because damnit he likes working on his car, and no one can tell him no anymore.

Warren

P.S.

Song is Silhouettes by Avicii...You should REALLY REALLY look up the music video.

That and Ruby Rose's video for Break Free

Plus basically ANYTHING from Adam Lambert is amazing