Since I am more able to express/explain myself on paper or online, I decided that since I'll be in town that I should get my butt in gear and suck up my pride.

So, I did research. I wrote emails. And...I wrote a letter to my therapist.

I'm gonna share it, since I figured it might give others ideas, and hopefully what I did was right.

"Dear _____,

I hope your Thanksgiving went well and you didnt get buried in all the snow. I talked to a few online friends about my last visit with you, and decided it would be best to write things down rather than forget or lose my nerve later.

I'll admit the realization of "without a goal, there is no destination" stung a bit, and instinctivaly as if I were being given up on. I have little to no clue what I ultimatly want/need, and I felt lost and hopeless without having valid reasons for visits aside from simply someone to talk to.

Sometimes I have a hard time verbally expressing whats going on in my mind and it hinders my trail of rational thought.

So my first thought were simply "Even she isnt sure how to help me, I cant even help myself"

So, in short I've done A LOT of thinking; and having these few days off work is helping. I've come down to a few goals I'd like to work out.

1-Manage my anxiety

2-Stop selfharm

3-Be a happier person

(4)- Be Me.

Fully transition into my proper gender, and live life as who I am. If it costs me my relationship, I'll need to learn to accept that. I have contacted ______ via email in regards to cost, regulations, and state requirements for my double incision bilateral mastectomy, and am awaiting a reply.

Battle plan:

1-Get serious! More research, and be more confident and less reserved.

2-If needed, see a surgeon for estimates

3-Start hormones if needed

4-Surgery!!!!!!

5-Live the full lifestyle 3 years

6-Change name

7-Just be happy!

I dont like being miserable. But I cant be happy by waiting on my butt for things to change.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi

I'll still need help, I'm not foolish enough to think that I can do it alone. But sometimes I might need to be reminded that I need to act or nothing is going to change.

I'm not ready to give up yet, and I hope you arent ready to give up on me either.

See you Tuesday,

_____"

So I'll fold it neatly. I'll put it in an envelope, and I'll drop it off at the office on my way to the bank. She'll have it on-hand, she can read it, and come up with her own battle plan by the time our visit comes up.

Wish me luck,

Warren