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Week of 12/8/2014


LovelyLisa

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There were a few things that stood out to me this week. First, on Tuesday around 5:30pm I descended into a anxious panic attack. It was after finding out that I would not be able to go to my support group. It made me question why I was alive. It was fleeting for just a few minutes, but impactful. I told my therapist and she was concerned. She thought that I may need medication, however I told her that I need to "feel" this. In the past, I've always tried to minimize my feelings about being transgendered or being in the wrong body. This has helped me avoid the problem and allowed me to create barriers to expressing myself. I did end up going to a 2nd Friday support group. It went well. I felt like I got more out of therapy and the support group the second time that I went. It was less about being the first time to working on stuff.

I did go out between my therapy appointment and my support group. I was able to grab something to eat dressed.

These days, I feel like I should be female more and more. And it is starting to feel like it is a matter of time for me. That in a few months I will start to transition in stealth and transition full-time in one to two years. Time will tell. However, I constantly feel weird not presenting female more and more.

-Lisa

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Hi Lisa,

I sure know what you mean about ups and downs, how they can feel so good on the upside and so miserable and scary on the downside. I'm sorry to hear you were feeling this way and glad that you were able to attend both therapy and your support group. Good for you! Maybe it will help in future "attacks" to recall that you did feel better after attending those meetings. I know that for me, in the midst of an attack of the blues, it doesn't seem like anything could possibly help. So, I also try to remember that things like that help.

That said, the whole "Holiday Season" is fraught with these ups and downs for me. I'm pretty conflicted about the whole thing and in many ways wish it was already past. All I can do now is to take it a moment at a time, focus on the present... the mindfulness thing.

Happy holidays, Lisa,

Emma

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