So, this has been an interesting week. I am taking off of work from 12/20 - 1/5, and planned on using the holidays to take a step back, focus on me and what is going on and gain more insight.

During the week I had more of an internal struggle with myself. It was like my male side struggling with my female side. There were times that I felt guilty of who I was (which has not happened in awhile), guilty of what I am putting others through particularly my wife. Thinking about care. I had to set my FSA contribution limits. I ended up maxing it out. Yet I feel guilty for the financial cost of therapy and the potential cost of hormones, electrolysis, etc. and it's potential impact to my family, like I'm stealing from them or something. I need to get past this. I also need to resolve this. First it starts with me getting opportunities to express myself to feel comfortable. That's the other thing. I go from feeling like my skin is crawling because I am not who I should be to wanting to fight this ... and live with the status quo. The thing that is so strange and I told my therapist this is, when I was young, being a guy was an act. But over time I have socialized as a guy (not a girl) and have gotten good at it. So good, I am confident in my role, when many years before I was not. Part of this is leading people and companies (which I would continue to do as a woman, that wouldn't change!) but also in fathering my children. I will always be a father and I am so proud of that, that I will never turn my back as a role as their father. So, I need to figure out what that means to me and to them. My role as a husband has been lacking some, but it has more to do with our lives, how both my wife and I have let life and children be at a higher priority than our relationship. A big issue is me potentially transitioning and her seeing me not as a husband or spouse anymore and going through the motions. Anyways, I've seen this as a need or gap for years, but have taken a more passive approach to dealing with the needs of my wife. I need to take more of an active role in making our relationship better and cherish her for the person who she is and who I married. Even if she does not want to stay with me. And that's the other thing. I could decide not to transition at all, yet because of her view of me, may not want to stay anyways. There are so many unknowns and no guarantees in life unfortunately.

I've also been thinking about my role as a woman. Even if I do not transition, there will always be a woman inside of me. Beyond the things on the surface that one identifies as being female, such as face, voice and how one carries themselves, I've been mostly focused on who I want to be. For example, I've noticed in a lot of women (not all), due to inflection of their voice, they sound as if they are asking a question instead of making a statement or a demand. For some reason, particularly in the business environment, it can be cute but annoying particularly when you want the other person to be clear and assertive. That is going to be hard for me. I think part of the time, I will have no problem in adapting to this if I transition to female. But there are other times, I know I will be a b-i-t-c-h that does not conform to that model. So, I'm learning about that and I'm sure that I will learn more as I go along.

Also, I've always been a planner. One thing that I've learned is that you never go into something without knowing at least 80% of what will happen or the outcomes. And also an exit strategy and contingency planning. So that is what I will start doing now. Understanding the practical steps to a transition, focusing on what I would absolutely have to do. Then focus on the nice to have stuff. If I do that it will help me make this more concrete and help me understand what I need to do if I take that step.

I'm just thankful for the support and patience of friends and family that know. If I had all of the answers this would be easy.

Thank all of you for your love and support.

Love,

Lisa