As I said, it's 5am.

5:47am to be exact.....

I wanted to write a blog, and try and toss down some of the emotions that are keeping me awake but at the moment...I feel like my brain has shut off completely. I'm not sure what to say, or how express myself right now.

I had a breakdown last night...I'd been wearing a lose sportsbra to bed at night because I absolutely HATE the feeling of "them" having any freedom while I'm trying to sleep.

But last night...I knew I had to take it off. It needed to be washed, and it's not healthy to leave it on all the time. Instantly I got frustrated with "them". They were heavy, in my way, I couldnt get comfortable no matter what I did or what position I found myself in....I just couldnt take it.

I broke down bawling my pathetic eyes out because I hate them so much, it makes me depressed and miserable...but there's nothing I can do about it. I dont have 8000$

I literally cannot even express how much I hate them....just looking at them makes me want to cry. I get so angry just trying to wrestle into my binding shirts every day. I die of heat in an 80F kitchen every day, wearing three shirts UNDER my heavy chefs coat...but I feel like if I take them off and not bind them down, everyone can see them. I tried that one time. ONCE. And you know what happened?

I left work. I told them I fell outside and hurt my back, and really needed to go home. So I did.

I lied, and faked injury...because I was so embarrassed to have something I were born with.

Some people dont understand, no matter how much I explain, until I have a complete mental breakdown and bawl my eyes out because I cant rip them off and throw them away.

I want to punch girls in the face for saying "mine are so tiny" because I'd kill for it. I would literally rip them off and give them away if I could...

I know you guys understand that to a degree, and I'll never fully understand how it feels to me MTF any more than you'll know what its like to be FTM. Because every side is different, though in some ways the same. But I feel like sometimes...not all the time! But sometimes FTMs have it bad...

There is no happy medium for guys like me. I hit 13 years old and was struck with 32Ds....AT 13.

I begged my mom for a breast reduction. BEGGED HER. But she told me no, I was too young.

The doctor even recommended it to help me with back pain.

But she still said no.

Slowly they forgot about me, and it was never offered again. But I wanted it so bad....until I realized I'd never be happy with a reduction. I'd want them gone. Completely, no reduced, but GONE GONE.

Then tonight, about ten minutes ago actually, I randomly decided to look up FTM on the oh-so-mighty awesomeness of Youtube. Hey, why not, right?

I'll admit, almost every single transition video I watched brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes...but they made me angry.

Angry, frustrated, depressed......

I want what they have.

I literally thought think of nothing else.

"I want that."

I want to go through the whole process. I want those awesome results, that insane happiness of feeling at least 98% complete. Damn it, I WANT THAT.

But....

I dont, and I cant...at least not for...jeez....YEARS...

I feel like I'll never get there. I'm closer, yes. Much closer than I was in Janurary 2014! But for me it just doesnt feel like enough...

It'll never feel like enough until my I.D. says Warren, Male, 198pnds, NOT kristy, female, 210

I dont want to say it, but I ****ing hate my body. There, said it. I really...really....REALLY ****ing hate the cards I've been dealt. And yes, I have gotten to those crying fits were I spit out "why me" and "its not fair". I'm sure we all have. But at what point am I going to be okay with this crap? I say I'm toughing it out and the world can suck it, and that's true! I'm toughing it out TOWARDS OTHERS. I'm ignoring what OTHER PEOPLE SAY. I'm being me as best I can!

But I cant ignore my own fears, frustrations, and unbelievable anger towards my family, my body, hell even my doctor and therapist. I feel like I'm the only one trying to win this war, and everyone else is just nodding at me and saying "yup, cool, keep doing that" while they sit there eating popcorn.

I havent gone back to cutting and I'm doing my very very best to keep that going. But god damn it no matter how many swears, CAPSLOCK and god knows what else I type or say or do, it will never EVER express how much I hate this war.

Arguing with my reflection, debating with my wardrobe, and bickering with my selfconciousness.

I think I finally understand what they mean by "Battle of the Brain" or "Battle of Wits"

My war isnt with my binder, and the world around me. It's not with the judgement that's passed regardless of what I do or what I dont do.

It's with myself. I cant seem to sit myself down and tell myself to slow down and take it easy.

I've never been patient.

But I know what I want, and I want it now.

Not next year, not five years from now, and certainly not when I'm 30.

But the more I push forward, seems like the more I hit brick walls. And like I usually do in minecraft, I forgot my damn pickaxe in my other world.

The Game is Kicking my ***,

Warren