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Hello, I am Dawn Lynn, I am a transgendered woman. I still have a hard time saying that. As I'm still just starting to coming to terms with it. I have been a lifelong crossdresser, and I thought that's all I was, I'd never knew what the term transgender was, and that it even applied to me, That is until I started seeing a therapist about 5 or 6 months ago. I started to dress when I was about 5 or so. I always liked no loved girls and everything about them, I wished I could wear the pretty clothes and be one. I remember in school on picture day, all the girls would wear pretty dresses, and we (the boys) would wear just shirts and ties (boring), was so jealous of the girls. I was always very ashamed of myself, because of my dressing. And because of my shame I never dated, well I had one date my sophomore year of high school. Even though most of my friends where girls, I knew (in my mind) no girl would want to be my girlfriend, so I just never asked. I mean what would the point have been, why I would have wanted to add the pain on rejection, to my misery. So my misery reached a breaking point in 1991/92. I was at my friend’s home during the holidays. Seeing him with his wife and kids. I knew that was something I would never have. So I planned to take my life in January or 92, Well I got help and didn’t. More on that later. So I started to feel better about myself. I met my wife August of 92 we married in June of 93, and our first daughter in March of 94 the second in May of 96. So I went from being suicidal to being married in 18 months, being a dad in 10 months later, and a second child in 26 months after that. Now for most of the last 21 years I’ve been able suppress my need to dress. But over the last year the need has gotten much stronger. And with that I stared to see a therapist, she’s helped me to see, that I’m transgendered. In (only) one respect am I a typical male (I love women). But when I see a nicely dressed, good looking women, I will first see what she is wearing, her makeup and hair. And I think I’d love to look like that and or I love to wear that. Or if she overly had up with too much makeup or is wearing something that just doesn’t go together, I would think I wouldn’t wear that. After all that I’d think about if I was attracted to her or not.

Hello, people of the pages. Ah the endless pages.... So, just like anything else we try to accomplish, there are always roadblocks. Aside from the fact that I dont really know what to write about tonight, I thought I would ramble about an issue I'd been having today. My Binder. Technically speaking, I'm not sure if its actually a binder or not. It's a Torso Compression Tank from Manshape for FTMs. My first one I'd ever bought, EVER, so I probably got it wrong. Maybe? Anyway, I wear it over a sleeveless compression shirt from underarmor when I'm at work. Its made my life so much easier to not have THOSE in my way all the time. Granted I would be beyond happy and grateful if they could shrink away even more, but hey. Not much a 44DD can get without surgery. (Which is an eventually plan, trust me! >.< ) But lately I have noticed a bit of an issue, especially today. When my 'set' (binder and compression shirt) start to feel like theyve stretched out a bit, I toss them in my dryer for a few minutes (i read online that it's the way to go to get them back into shape). So I did so this morning before work, and noticed a difference immediatly. I didnt think much of it, really. Did my normal routine, and went to work. But ALL DAY I felt like I was short of breath, that I couldnt breathe. I've NEVER had this problem before. Ever. Maybe it simply shrunk down too much, but after reading horror stories, I always worry that I'm inflicting damage to my lungs or something. They say beauty is pain. But people dont realize that unbeauty hurts too. I dont wear makeup anymore, and never really did to be honest. But now my eyes feel dry all the time. I dont wear chapstick as much because I feel stupid putting it on, so now my lips split alot from chewing on them from my anxiety. And most of all...this whole binding thing. Now that I have them, I feel totally and utterly lost and horrible if I am forced to switch to a bra to 'give myself a break'. My boyfriend insists that during the weekends or at home, I wear nothing or a bra, and stay out of a binder. Which I can understand. But I cant go in public without them anymore...I hate it. I feel so stupid without them. Like the whole world is looking at my chest and not my face. But I've noticed the skin on the outter sides of my ribs, under my arms has become tender to the touch. Probably from the compression shirt rubbing. My 'you know whats' are tender and ache, and once I take off my binders..I do all I can to avoid anything brushing up against them or touching them in any way because they hurt. Then I have that damned irritation between and underneath. Sweat I suppose, from working in a 90F kitchen for 9 hours a day. But there's no way I can go back to a bra. I refuse. I'd rather suffer. Someone asked if maybe I'm wearing it too tight but mentally, for me, its not tight enough. I want it all hidden, but at what cost? I know they worry about my health, but for my mental health, I need this. But which is more important, mental or physical health? It's a toss up, really. "Six to one, half dozen the other" my boyfriend would say. I never really liked the phrase, but it works. In other news, I had decided to try photography, as suggested. And wouldnt you get my luck? I drop my damn ipod and smashed the screen all to cheese&crackers. So no camera for me Thanks karma, you're a doll. Maybe one day I'll look back on all this and laugh. Or maybe one day I'll look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Only time will tell. -Warren P.S. Sorry for the TMI o.o