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Well I did it. I was offered a paid sabbatical from work to transition for the sake of my mental health and I took it. I had finally reached the point of knowing that if I stayed where I was much longer I may never make it. I was worried that it was just a way for them to shunt me out quietly as there was no guarantee of a position afterwards, which turned out to be a valid concern - but it was 100% worth it. The Pros: I am now living full time as myself - and it is awesome! Name, Passport, Drivers licence, education certificates, bank, rental agreements, NHS number, utility bills - you name it they are all in my name - the only thing I cant change is my pension paperwork because I need a gender recognition certificate, and I am saving up the paperwork evidence to get that next summer. Then I can sort out that and my pension. Smiling is easier, laughing is now natural, the friends I have kept and the people I have met are fantastic. No more stressing over whether or not the door will ring or if someone will see me, I can put the recycling out, pop to the shops, go for coffee, walk the dog and just exist without worrying about how I look, or what I say. I took a chance last year to dip into the online dating pool, the Pan label fit best and so I wasn't sure who I wanted to date, but have found myself falling head over heels for someone. I opened up a new FB account and migrated only those who I knew were allies or would be fine and can share pictures and conversations and all the things I was so careful not to do before. The Cons: I am unemployed and looking for work - getting rejected for the vocation I have trained and qualified for with, "thanks but we are going with someone we feel is more compatible" hurts. Made worse by jumping through hoops to get Job Seekers Allowance and have to prove how destitute I am, also being advised to ignore the degree I worked for years for and just apply for entry level jobs like I did when I left school feels like a kick in the teeth. Switching health boards did not go smoothly, I was transferred to the wrong clinic, which took 6 months to find out, then, when they sent me to the right clinic I was told it will be 3 years before someone can see me. So my electrolysis, my prescription wigs have all stopped - thankfully my E Patches are supplied via GP Prescription so that has carried on, but now if I move for work I will get stuck in the loop of going to the bottom of the transfer lists to be seen. At this rate I may never get to surgery. Shaving is still the bane of my existence. My kids haven't quite navigated the dad/mum/parent problem yet - we use parent to describe my relationship with them but it mentally trips them up, especially when the optician talks about "mum" when I am at appointments with them, but it isn't a huge deal. Whenever I go somewhere new I seem to find yet another thing where I have to out myself and it gets annoying. Every time I think I am done something else pops up and I have to explain that I transitioned and send my deed poll and passport as ID proof, only now instead of being scared I just get irritated at the bureaucracy of it all.. Life will always be a mixed bag, but living as me is so much better than living in fear. I used to dream about living full time as my real self, but seeing it from the other side I wish I had the courage to transition earlier. The stress is worth it, I have gained a level of peace I didn't realise I had never fully known. I am more confident in who I am. I know the people around me know and like me for who I am and not just what I can give them. I still have moments where I get down because I moved to an area where I did not know anyone, but it was worth it. When I am out and about no one cares, I have the same constant danger radar as every woman around me, but so far the worst thing I have experienced is some teens yelling out of a passing car - which also happened before I came out because, teens... I have also had complete strangers come up to me and compliment me on my hair, or traded compliments with someone about what we are wearing. This is me, it has always been me. It just took me a while to get comfortable with who I am.

Hi Dee. Your entry made me smile. And I can see the happiness in your eyes. I dunno what else to say... except I hope all the best for you. You deserve it. -Michael

On Saturday I gathered the courage and showed my daughter Markita. I knew she was ok with it because she told me she was, but wow I didn't expect how welcoming my daughter was toward me as Markita. After she gave me a huge stamp of approval, we chatted about how long it takes to become Markita, what type of clothing do I like. My daughter even had me model my entire wardrobe of woman's cloths. Just glad that right now I don't have many - else I would still be modeling them for her. She wanted to see all my wigs and the bob-cut gray haired wig is her favorite, but funny it's my least favorite. We both agreed on the should length brown wig I have and I wore that for most of the day with her. After I was done modeling for her, we just sat down and did our usual stuff we do every time she visits me just like nothing was different. I got to say when I had to change back into Mark, she got upset because she did not want to see Markita go. Once I changed back into my male clothes and went back downstairs to be with my daughter she jokingly said, "Dad where have you been? You missed seeing Markita". That brought out a good laugh for me and for my kiddo. Then Sunday night I had the talk with the girlfriend and it was decided to not go any further with our relationship. She is a strict catholic and believes that whatever sex you were borne is the sex you should stay. She asked that if I was to fully transition would I like guys or women and I said I more than likely will like women. She then said she could not deal with that because she is straight and could not be with another woman. Honestly I am not sure how I feel. On one hand I do feel relived that we talked and came to a conclusion; however, on the other I am upset because I caused my significant other heartbreak (as she put it)and I am fairly sure I will be doing the same to others who are not able to accept that I am trans. About an hour after ending the relationship with the GF I got a call from my very good friend and he asked me if I had a secret about cross-dressing and I am not sure how he found out because I never told him and this is the only web site I post as Markita and I am sure he does not visit this web site. He in passing did mention a video where I went away but then came back as Markita but I cannot find this video anywhere and if I did make one, i am pretty sure I would remember it so for now it is a mystery how he figured it out. I didn't lie to him in fact I said yes I do and he said that he was ok with it. To be honest he was one of my friends who I thought for sure would not be able to handle it and would want to break off our friendship but to find out he really doesn't care was the lift I needed after breaking up with my GF. After carrying this secret of mine around for so long and finding people who are alright with it, is giving me the courage to tell others even though they may feel more like my Ex-GF rather than my daughter and very good friend. All in all... not a bad weekend.

Hello Miss Bonnie! LTNS. So glad to see you visiting. Hope all is well with you. -Michael

The younger set wear a lot of padded and shaping bras. You don't see very many of this demographic using forms, as most of them can't afford the really good cosmetic ones (and I have seen REALLY GOOD ones, but they cost nearly a thousand: there is dissention here, Nikki says apiece I thought it was for the set) and tend to wear clothing that would show it a little on the top and sometimes sides. One that spans all age demographics that I know of is the chicken cutlets, those little silicone pad things that even you out. One of the many things they don't tell us about our physical development, very few women are actually truly symmetrical(although I think most are close enough it's not an issue). Quite a few are so asymmetrical that we have two separate cup sizes, and it can be awkward since for whatever reason the manufacturing industry of bras refuses to deal with this reality. Jerks. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to make ribcage sized harnesses with eyelet hooks and separate cups so each woman can get what's needed. I vary with c and d, but I know one woman who has a b and d, and due to other medical issues is not a candidate for either implant or reduction surgery. So I learned that it could be worse, don't complain. LOL I imagine this would also be a thing for some transwomen as genetics does their unpredictable things.​ However, my understanding of the breast forms origin is for the ugly issue of breast cancer and removal of one or both breasts. And quite a few people of all genders fall prone to that ugly disease. And society unfortunately judges women by the size of our chests still, and removing them entirely was socially traumatic on top of the physical and emotional trauma. So there are unfortunately MANY cisgender women sport them for that purpose. The numbers are slowly going down thankfully, as early detection, advances in medication, and lumpectomy surgeries become reliable alternatives to mastectomy surgery with equal survival rates, at least among those with breasts, as those without often don't detect it early enough. Some find emotional comfort in not seeing a reminder in the mirror, others find social relief by not looking dramatically different in public. Although several do the cloth forms for the same reason Emma spoke of, either early after the surgery during the healing process, or permanently if the scars are sensitive. There are a scattered few I know of that use the forms that give you one extra size and fit over your breast, but without exception the ones I know are extremely vain and unable to afford implants, as it's quite hot and uncomfortable to wear them around the breast. I have to wrap my equalizer cutlet in cloth, or I get a nasty skin rash from it personally. Nikki once asked if I'd be willing to play around with them for fun time, and I was like NOPE, not getting massive rashes for that. Wisely dropped the issue. Nikki is fortunate that the irritation and heat doesn't do much to his skin beyond somewhat irritating sweat that can just be wiped away as needed, and can use them for long periods when girl mode lasts a while. If he had my skin, it would be truly ugly. He prefers the forms for the sense of weight in addition to the shape I believe. And I think he likes that i can use them to prop my head up when we're watching a movie, more realistic feel than a cloth set that would just sorta go down like pillows if I tried that. When he's in girl mode I still go outta my way to physically interact like I did when I was dating women for the small moments, and I don't think that would work with cloth, so another reason I'm glad he can use forms, he gets more outta it. Sometimes I think I go overboard trying to hard, but he says it makes him happy, so I'm not gonna get an Emmy, but I have a happy spouse. I wonder if some of the cancer victims also find that comforting? I'm not sure how I would feel about it if I ever pop a positive on that and it becomes an issue. I suspect it would be cloth forms for me due to my overly irritable skin. I'm also not sure how well I would adjust to a massive physical change like that, I'm clumsy. Even being on crutches when I twisted my knee and bound around my waist so I couldn't bend after abdominal was dramatically crazy for me until I healed, I injured myself and Nikki in the goofiest ways trying to adapt. I do know a girl who had a double, and she loves it(had massive back issues, and was considering reduction once she'd saved enough), but she did tell me there was a balance learning curve after the surgery.