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Sometimes, I feel it's more like a hole I'm in... not just a dip, as a dip in a road. But a deep a** hole. Deep. Really deep. And no one knows I'm there. They don't even know I'm missing. Because they don't know I exist....

Agreed. Like you're staring up at the opening of a biga** hole in the ground and everyone's just walking by like "Meh, look at that. Pity." and walk on by. One thing I've learned about my dark, solemn, murky little hole in the world is that no, they dont hear you scream. No, they dont shine a light in here to see what it is. People fear the darkness of caverns. They dont want to know what's lurking inside. The only way to get them to stop tiptoeing away from you, is to climb out on your own. Shove your hands in the dirt and claw your way to the surface, even if it's just for a moment to get a bit of light, let them see your face and realize you're not that bad, before dropping back down into your solitary confinement. Because they've gotten that glimpse. They've seen your face, and they know what's lurking in the darkness of that hole. It gives them more of a reason to poke their heads in and wonder what's going on. Just my two cents, you can take it and ask for change, or leave the pennies on the sidewalk. -Warren

I think it's so wonderful that TGGuide supports both FTM and MTF people; it's fun for me to compare my journey and feelings. For example, I have to tell you, I hate boxers! I think I had one pair way way back. I didn't like the way you have to somehow smooth them down your legs inside pants or otherwise they're all scrunched up and uncomfortable. Worse, they don't hold anything in place if you get my drift. All flopping around which feels weird to me. So I always wore "tightie whities" growing up, and now Polo briefs by Jockey, which are cotton and very comfortable. And for my feminine expression we all know that I'm not allowed by society (or at least my own inhibitions) to wear feminine clothing articles unless I'm fully expressing myself as a woman. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you both for your postings and hope you continue. Emma

Warren, I think it's great that you had a sit down and talk with your BF. I'm afraid there is no other way if you and he hope to grow in your relationship. And from your experience with a trial separation it seems that you both do want to stay together. So keep talking! I know what you mean about being self-conscious. I think that comes from the doubts we have about our partners true acceptance. In a perfect world we'd be so self confident that it wouldn't matter what he thinks or says, but that's not the world we live in. You are already displaying a lot of courage to be yourself and now, understandably, you're looking for support. Perhaps in one of your talks with him, ask him more about what's going on for him. What support and affirmation does he need? Maybe by supporting him some of his urges to comment on your longer hair or old clothes will diminish. I hope so for your sake. Be well, Emma

Dear Warren, You're a great brother to your sister there's no doubt of that. And I can imagine (I don't have siblings) how you might worry that as a brother some of what you used to do as sisters may not be appropriate. Honestly, I think it's all okay, what you did before and what you're doing now. You are FAMILY and it's okay to show it, with hugs, naps, and pinch and giggles. We all hear how men are supposed to suppress their feelings, and most do. I know that for me, suppressing everything just leads to sadness and heartache. So don't suppress yours. And good for you on your therapist appointment! The first few visits can be a little awkward as you each learn about each other and build safety and trust. So give it time. It's a wonderful feeling to have a place you can go to that is safe and you can talk about anything and everything without judgement and with full support. I love your photo! Best, Emma

Dearest Emma, Loved this! And your lovely photo is actually a female Scarlet Ibis, I believe -Warren

Unfortunatly we've had a sit down and talked about this together. We even attempted to break up and go seperate ways, but that only lasted a few days and we were together again. He insists that he's fine with it, that he's willing to cope and adapt, and that he's not going anywhere. He tells me all the time that it's fine if I want to change and that he's not going anywhere because of it. Yet...he does that. And that's not the first time. Saying I looked better with long hair, looking at my liscence with my long hair and saying that picture is better, saying he misses my old clothes, etc. I've become self concious around him and wear my boxers to bed, and he's even caught me wearing my compression shirts to bed. Love him to pieces, but I'm not sure what to do. -Warren

My thoughts on this topic have not been popular with quite a few, and has even drawn a bit of restrained ire from those who claim to be crossdressers only. But I've been hanging around TGG for quite some time as anyone can tell by my profile. I spent time on another transgender website/chat/forum before I came to TGG. To date, those I've chatted with, and discussed various issues with, who said they were not transgender, but crossdresser only, and were very adamant about it, have one-by-one eventually "come out" as trans. While I do believe there are those who crossdress purely for fetishistic reasons, and perhaps the drag queens who dress strictly for entertainment, I believe all the rest are really transgender and they just haven't come to terms with it yet. Just my opinion. -Michael _______________________________________________ I have never considered myself a crossdresser, although the definition for cross dressing is the wearing of clothing intended for the opposite sex - the term does not automatically apply only to male-bodied individuals wearing women's clothing. I have always felt that I was wearing the clothing appropriate to my identity - so how can I be cross dressing.

I never thought of the clothing as an addiction....but I guess both of you are right. One thing leads to another, and you find yourself needing more and feeling like you can't get enough. But now...I've been doing it for so long, that I have come to a point where IF something comes up and it may mean that I will not be able to wear men's clothing, it causes great stress, and that in turn triggers anxiety attacks. I find myself coming up with any reason, excuse or lie (yes, straight up LIE) as to why I cannot participate in the event that would have demanded I dress contrary to my true identity. -Michael

"At first it were overwhelming, and I started out small. Something trivial at first, something that wont make a huge impact on the way I dressed. Yet. Boxers." Actually.. underwear was the about the last article of men's clothing that I bought. I had been wearing boy's/men's desert boots starting in junior high... though I'm wondering if cost might have had anything to do with it as back then it was very common for boys items to be much less expensive than those for girls. After high school, I started buying men's jeans when I discovered that not only did they fit me better, they didn't have to be cut off and hemmed - ALL women's jeans and slacks are apparently made for 6' tall customers. Except for one pair which I wore only 3 or 4 times and then ended up giving to my Mother, I haven't worn a pair of women's jeans since. I ended up in a job where dress was jeans (or work slacks), steel-toed boots and uniform shirts, ballcaps and jackets or coats. This just made things even easier for me, giving me an excuse to buy socks and t-shirts out of the men's department. Eventually, I started buying men's shirts, jackets, sweats, sneakers - you name it. I was pretty well dressed head-to-toe in men's outer wear before I finally bought any underwear. LOL... no one can see your skivvies, yet I was more scared to be caught in a pair of jockey shorts than to be seen fully outfitted in men's wear. I wished I had bought them sooner though, as I discovered that they were cooler, a million times more absorbent, and not itchy. They don't creep up places you don't want them, and of course - no flowers and butterflies and bows and crap.

Hey Warren, I'm not sixty yet, dude. :-) And yeah, if my wife's cool, who cares? She's still a bit on the fence and I can't tell which way she's leaning. From past experience I have some worries. But shoot, why worry? Just enjoy each moment as it comes. You take care, Warren. You rock. Emma

No problem hun I'm only 22 (I know I know, I'm just a baby ) but I can totally agree that it's like an addiction. Mine started out with boxers, went to compression shirts, then to jeans, then to tops. I've spanned into coats and boots too I always keep in mind that no matter how much I HATE not being able to do what I want with my outter appearance, I have to be grateful for it. Because not everyone can do it and have people assume they're "Tomboy". But here's the thing. If your wife is cool with it, then why hide it? I mean I understand keeping it quiet, I REALLY REALLY do!! But, like you said, you're sixty. Time to let it shine, girl! -Warren

Hi Warren, You know what, it was your post that spawned this idea of mine to write mine. I'll tell you, man, I don't like boxers at all! Never have. But heck, good on you, dude, for wearing what makes you feel good and alright with yourself. And I agree it's like an addiction at times. Which makes me wonder if I need to simply stand up to that addiction. But at my age, approaching sixty (OMG!) I think it's fair to say that it's more than an addiction for me. I don't know how much more and that's part of what I'm trying to figure out. Anyway, thank you for your comment. I value you and your words more than you will ever know. Sincerely, Emma

My opinion: Rock that leotard! Hell, sounds kind of comfortable actually lol But I know how you feel. When I started wearing boxers instead of girls underwear, it felt much more natural. More secure, safe, comfortable,.....just....right. But it didnt feel like enough. It was like an addiction, and I'd gotten my first taste. The tiny lick off the frosting mixer, but I wanted a whole scoop AND the cake.

Andrew....I like what you had to say in your rant to teachers. I am also FTM. 8th grade. Read what you said about ACE wraps. They are dangerous. My Mom just got me a binder. Kurt