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"Your manager screwed up initially but for some reason came around. Maybe someone (like your friend) talked to him. No matter, at least he's gone on record to support you." -Emma I try to think and believe positive...but I can't help but believe this joker did not have a change of heart in regard to Warren - he realized that his actions could get him in hot water if the issue found its way to his superiors or even further. Personally...I believe he came back to cover his butt. "My biggest problem isnt physical violence. It's not emotional outbursts. It's my past that I worry about. My self harm. I've done good so far, over a month harm-free. But this...This has pushed me over the limit. Tonight's going to be a long night." -Warren Keep hammering out the blogs, and posts in the forums. Wear the keyboard out...that's what they're for. -Michael

Dearest Warren, It's so good to see your latest post here. Your writing touches me. I do share your pain, worries, doubts, and sometimes, joys. I also wish there was a button one could push and instantly be done with it, either changing my DNA/sex/gender or society's beliefs/reactions or both. It is freaking frustrating that there isn't such a thing. About anger and sensitivity: I don't think it's testosterone but a natural reaction to the frustrations you feel. The situation we are in isn't fair at all. It seems to me that we can consider it in the "five stages of grief" model, where Anger is #2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model Oh boy, we still have Bargaining and Depression to look forward to before reaching Acceptance. But hey, at least we're past Denial! The model isn't perfect for sure, and I believe we wax and wane between the stages all the time. But it helps me to have some sort of reference point. I was also feeling much the way you are the past few days. My wonderful therapist advised that I "listen to Emma," that she knows my heart. I still have my worries and hurts, but this helps me. So you, too: listen to Warren!. As you wrote, go be yourself, a transman. Replace Kristy's clothes and presence with Warren's. Be Warren, the guy who likes to get dirty, work on his car, works out. One piece of advice, perhaps worth 2c: don't drown Kristy. She's your heritage and will always be there for you deep down. It wasn't her fault either that you were born female. She loves you too. Be well, Warren, Emma

Another great song that has gotten me through some hard times. Jessie J's song "Who you are"

Michael, I thought exactly what you are about Warren's manager but based on Warren's description of the managers later actions and words, it seemed sincere. Regardless, we know where the manager's heart is. It's an ugly situation. Your advice to wear out the keyboard is right on. Emma

Yeah my boyfriend knows, and hes not too pleased about it either. He realizes that not only does this emotionally hurt me like crazy...but now more people probably know about my situation. They told me that if I recieved more notes, to let them know. But I didnt want to recieve more notes. I didnt want to read those things again. So I took away the locker, so they couldnt send them anymore. I'm too afraid to back into that room. I dont want to ever step foot in another womens locker room again. I dont belong in there, they're right about that part. Even I know that. But where else am I to go? Obviously not the men's locker room... I'm trying to remain calm on the situation and not stoop to their level, but its hard. I have such a short temper, and this hurt me to no end. Seven little words. Seriously...that's it. Yet it felt like they physically beat me to a pulp. My biggest problem isnt physical violence. It's not emotional outbursts. It's my past that I worry about. My self harm. I've done good so far, over a month harm-free. But this...This has pushed me over the limit. Tonight's going to be a long night. Warren

Sidenote: Out of fear of more notes, I have surrendered my locker to a coworker who wanted one, and emptied it completely tonight. I dont want it...not after this. So now I have to change into my chef's gear at home, and keep all my uniforms in my car. :(

"Photo: Some years ago we visited Rodin's Museum in Paris. It was a cold day in January, and wow, The Thinker was right outside! Seems like an appropriate photo for today's post." -Emma I was thinking the same thing before I finished reading the first paragraph. -Michael

LOL... wow! You do not know how much I can relate to, and understand, the anger you describe, and that laces this blog entry (whether you intended for it to or not). But I also understand the other two emotions... tolerating things (just barely) as they are. And then the physical hurt, the pain that keeps me teetering on the edge of tears. But it seems that the anger is the worse. It's like I can do nothing about it but let it run it's course. On the days the anger has a death grip on my silicone huevos, I cannot read certain TGLB articles depending upon the topic, I cannot read certain posts here on the forums - sometimes none at all. All I can do is sign in and make sure no one has come here acting like an idiot, or trying to use our forums for their spam. To be "ma'am'ed" twists my insides into knots to the point that it sometimes makes me flinch. Someone (most often another man) innocently opening a door for me makes me wanna rip the door from it's hinges and beat the living crap out of him. Yeah...the anger... geez. The anger. <shaking head> I think only three things keep me from snapping: ................. My girlfriend. She somehow knows how to get my mind off things and calm me down. She is my one-woman support group. It seems she can make me smile on my worst days. ................. TG Guide. Knowing there are people here that can relate, and accept me for my true self. ................. And now I have another little furry child. Dogs (pets in general I guess) love you no matter what. To her, I'm just that human critter that loves her and that she can depend on. And if I tell her that I'm "Daddy," she doesn't question it, or look at me stupid, or try to tell me otherwise. -Michael

Hi Warren, Please don't hurt yourself. You're hurting enough without that. I hear you, where to go. Men's room = no. Women's room = no. I don't know what to suggest except that the women's room should be safe. Women are much less physically threatening than men, right? Warren, please take care of yourself. Don't cut or harm yourself. And let us know how you're doing. I will be so sad for you if you hurt yourself. Don't let them win. Sincerely, really, Emma

You both are so nice, thank you so much. It helps me more than you know to have you here and to read your posts. I'm feeling a little better today. I exchanged emails with my therapist who advised that I "listen to Emma," that her instincts are sound. I know he's right but it's scary, like in one of the Indiana Jones movies when he knew he had to walk across the chasm and trust that he wouldn't kill himself. I think this is a good example of how much TG Guide helps us. Friends like you are wonderful. Thanks so much, Emma P.S. Warren: I'll match your 2c, add it to Michael's, and we'll start a hedge fund or something. We'll be rich!

Dear Warren, I'm so sorry to hear of this. I can barely imagine how devastating it is to you. You are absolutely doing the right thing by telling us about it, and I assume also your BF, right? Your manager screwed up initially but for some reason came around. Maybe someone (like your friend) talked to him. No matter, at least he's gone on record to support you. I think you also did the right thing by cleaning out your locker. Some may disagree but at least you're removing the target from the coward who assaulted you. And that's exactly what he/she is, a F**king Coward, who can't stand up to you. Whatever, that is their problem not yours. My 2c suggestion? Hold your head high. Do a great job. Make your manager and your coworkers damned happy to have you on the team. And absolutely resist fighting or being angry on the level of the Coward. By holding the "high ground" you'll show the kind of good person that you truly are. But if you do trip up and get angry or emotional, that's okay kiddo. You're human after all, and dealing with something that takes a lot of bravery and courage. We're all right behind you, Warren. Sincerely, Emma

Michael, At the risk of also drawing ire, I tend to agree with you. It's a bit of chicken and egg: did I desire to be a girl first and then find it erotic, or, did I just enjoy getting off while crossdressed and fantasizing? Given my recent' discovery/acceptance that my desires of being female came long before puberty (like in preschool) my conclusion is that the erotic aspects came about because they were the only outlet left open to me. In elementary school I always fantasized about becoming a girl or waking up to be a girl as I went to sleep. It seems natural, then, that I'd also find it erotic to make love as a female. Emma

Warren, I think it's great that you had a sit down and talk with your BF. I'm afraid there is no other way if you and he hope to grow in your relationship. And from your experience with a trial separation it seems that you both do want to stay together. So keep talking! I know what you mean about being self-conscious. I think that comes from the doubts we have about our partners true acceptance. In a perfect world we'd be so self confident that it wouldn't matter what he thinks or says, but that's not the world we live in. You are already displaying a lot of courage to be yourself and now, understandably, you're looking for support. Perhaps in one of your talks with him, ask him more about what's going on for him. What support and affirmation does he need? Maybe by supporting him some of his urges to comment on your longer hair or old clothes will diminish. I hope so for your sake. Be well, Emma

Hi Michael, I'm sure you've heard the term "gender euphoria." I feel it when I get closer to my femininity, whether it's through clothing or opening up with others about my true self. But clothing is very tactile and visual, and with it we can express ourselves to others in a wonderful way. So that's why I also feel clothing can be addictive. You're to be congratulated, I think, that you're so comfortable in your skin and clothing that to wear anything else causes you stress and anxiety. And while you may have to lie to stay true to yourself you're actually being truthful, to yourself, which is the best way to be, I think. Be well, Emma

Dear Warren, You're a great brother to your sister there's no doubt of that. And I can imagine (I don't have siblings) how you might worry that as a brother some of what you used to do as sisters may not be appropriate. Honestly, I think it's all okay, what you did before and what you're doing now. You are FAMILY and it's okay to show it, with hugs, naps, and pinch and giggles. We all hear how men are supposed to suppress their feelings, and most do. I know that for me, suppressing everything just leads to sadness and heartache. So don't suppress yours. And good for you on your therapist appointment! The first few visits can be a little awkward as you each learn about each other and build safety and trust. So give it time. It's a wonderful feeling to have a place you can go to that is safe and you can talk about anything and everything without judgement and with full support. I love your photo! Best, Emma

Agreed. Like you're staring up at the opening of a biga** hole in the ground and everyone's just walking by like "Meh, look at that. Pity." and walk on by. One thing I've learned about my dark, solemn, murky little hole in the world is that no, they dont hear you scream. No, they dont shine a light in here to see what it is. People fear the darkness of caverns. They dont want to know what's lurking inside. The only way to get them to stop tiptoeing away from you, is to climb out on your own. Shove your hands in the dirt and claw your way to the surface, even if it's just for a moment to get a bit of light, let them see your face and realize you're not that bad, before dropping back down into your solitary confinement. Because they've gotten that glimpse. They've seen your face, and they know what's lurking in the darkness of that hole. It gives them more of a reason to poke their heads in and wonder what's going on. Just my two cents, you can take it and ask for change, or leave the pennies on the sidewalk. -Warren

Hi Sara, Thankfully I have a great therapist. The best I've ever had, and he's helped me tremendously. And no, I don't mind your asking at all, and thank you for your interest. Regardless of having a great therapist I'm of course often thinking about things, and I've found that posting on this blog has helped me sort things out. When I started writing this one I really didn't know what the end was going to be. But as I reached the last paragraph the end became more obvious. I think it's worth posting because I really do like hearing feedback and ideas. It feels good to feel like I'm in a friendly community like TG Guide. And I also hope that others may find my writing helpful because they're going through similar issues. Thanks so much for your kind words and wishes. I wish you only the best as well. Sincerely, Emma

Hi Emma, If you don't mind me asking, have you talked to a therapist or psychologist who deals with gender issues? Obviously, everyone is different (as are their circumstances), but I personally feel that this has helped me a great deal. Just something to consider... maybe others will share their opinions or experiences on this topic, too. I wish you peace and happiness in whereever your journey takes you. Best, -Sara

This person in particular seems to have been singling me out ever since I were hired there, and has even been caught in lies about me saying I did something that I didnt. Or claiming I didnt clean something when I did. On one occasion, I had used the large grill but weren't sure how to clean it. When I asked for him to show me, he said "I'll take care of it, dont worry about it" So I didnt, I went home. Next day, I got in trouble for "leaving the grill filthy"....He told Chef that I didnt clean it, didnt want to clean it, and left it so I could go home. He's a back stabbing ***. I just really need to find a different job.