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"I cant do physically being near someone for serious social interaction. I get nervous and anxious just thinking about it." -Warren Maybe it will be necessary to deal with this issue some, to pave the way for working on the gender identity issues....but work on it you should as Emma has indicated. I also do not envy what you're going through... but then, we really don't have to - we all are going through it to some degree. And some have already been through it. However, I do envy that you have the chance to take this thing by the horns at your age - most of us didn't have that opportunity when we were your age. -Mike

Hey Warren, I know it's weird to open up to a stranger, so please be patient and let him/her help. They will ask you questions and try to get a conversation going. Try to just go with the flow. Imagine, their whole focus is on you for your time. It will take a few meetings to break the ice, get to know each other, and see what you can do together. I am very impatient and want to "get it done," and I'll bet you will be too. Just try to let it happen at its own pace. It's totally okay to tell them if you're frustrated, impatient, pissed, anything. You may be reluctant to do this at first, we all are. But remember what Emma told you. She's there with you, my friend. Emma

I wouldnt know where to start on paper, to be honest. And its not that I mean to "play the game". It's sort of become my automatic social defense. I dont want to break out of my shell sometimes, so I just put the mask on and bull**** everyone into thinking I really dont give a ****. I dont want to waste my time and money (because I dont have much of them, to be honest) but me actually sitting down face to face with a total stranger and talking to them about all this is not going to go well. I cant do physically being near someone for serious social interaction. I get nervous and anxious just thinking about it. Thanks for the compliment though, Warren

Just because I know myself, I can honestly say I'll probably just throw my mask back on and play the whole "i dont need a therapist, im good, i promise" crap -_-

Hang in there, dude. Only 7 days to go...then you can dump all this square in the middle of your therapist's desk.

Tuesday the 18th. I cant make it any sooner because I have to work. As it is, I'll be losing at least three hours at work for the appointment.

Warren, as one who played the "game" with the therapist for >30 years, let me tell you, it ain't worth it. I automatically put on a happy face. It's hard for me not to. But look how much life and time that has cost me? I'm very lucky to be here now and I don't envy what your are going through at your age. Please take full advantage of whatever they offer. Don't BS them. You'll just be wasting your time and money, and slowing your progress. It takes real courage to do this. I didn't have it. But look at what all you have done? You're awesome, Warren. Be courageous. I know you can. But the time with therapists is short, typically 50 minutes. So you need to be organized. Consider outlining (on paper) your story and what you want from him/her. And bring copies for both of you. Emma

Oh, Warren, I'm so sorry to hear this. You don't deserve any of this crap, no one does. I think you said that you're going to have a therapist appointment soon. When? I hope it's soon. I'm sure you need someone to talk to. Can you call them tomorrow to try to expedite the meeting? Emma

Yeah, Michael's awesome, isn't he? You are too, Warren.

Wish there were more "like buttons"

LOL... wow! You do not know how much I can relate to, and understand, the anger you describe, and that laces this blog entry (whether you intended for it to or not). But I also understand the other two emotions... tolerating things (just barely) as they are. And then the physical hurt, the pain that keeps me teetering on the edge of tears. But it seems that the anger is the worse. It's like I can do nothing about it but let it run it's course. On the days the anger has a death grip on my silicone huevos, I cannot read certain TGLB articles depending upon the topic, I cannot read certain posts here on the forums - sometimes none at all. All I can do is sign in and make sure no one has come here acting like an idiot, or trying to use our forums for their spam. To be "ma'am'ed" twists my insides into knots to the point that it sometimes makes me flinch. Someone (most often another man) innocently opening a door for me makes me wanna rip the door from it's hinges and beat the living crap out of him. Yeah...the anger... geez. The anger. <shaking head> I think only three things keep me from snapping: ................. My girlfriend. She somehow knows how to get my mind off things and calm me down. She is my one-woman support group. It seems she can make me smile on my worst days. ................. TG Guide. Knowing there are people here that can relate, and accept me for my true self. ................. And now I have another little furry child. Dogs (pets in general I guess) love you no matter what. To her, I'm just that human critter that loves her and that she can depend on. And if I tell her that I'm "Daddy," she doesn't question it, or look at me stupid, or try to tell me otherwise. -Michael

Dearest Warren, It's so good to see your latest post here. Your writing touches me. I do share your pain, worries, doubts, and sometimes, joys. I also wish there was a button one could push and instantly be done with it, either changing my DNA/sex/gender or society's beliefs/reactions or both. It is freaking frustrating that there isn't such a thing. About anger and sensitivity: I don't think it's testosterone but a natural reaction to the frustrations you feel. The situation we are in isn't fair at all. It seems to me that we can consider it in the "five stages of grief" model, where Anger is #2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model Oh boy, we still have Bargaining and Depression to look forward to before reaching Acceptance. But hey, at least we're past Denial! The model isn't perfect for sure, and I believe we wax and wane between the stages all the time. But it helps me to have some sort of reference point. I was also feeling much the way you are the past few days. My wonderful therapist advised that I "listen to Emma," that she knows my heart. I still have my worries and hurts, but this helps me. So you, too: listen to Warren!. As you wrote, go be yourself, a transman. Replace Kristy's clothes and presence with Warren's. Be Warren, the guy who likes to get dirty, work on his car, works out. One piece of advice, perhaps worth 2c: don't drown Kristy. She's your heritage and will always be there for you deep down. It wasn't her fault either that you were born female. She loves you too. Be well, Warren, Emma