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Had a great day at work yesterday, which finished off with a 45 min long chat with a female colleague who used to do the admin for our H&S Training Courses. This is really the first social chat I've had with a cis female who isn't a close friend, since transition. Well it was extremely frank and surprisingly different to any conversation that I've had with a male either before or after my transition. I think that the thing I felt most surprised about was the fact that talking felt so good deep inside of me, I don't know (becauase I'm not Catholic), but I imagine it was like a confessional. No wonder why women seem to like talking so much, it's taken two and half years of oestrogen for me to realise it mind you! It sort of confirms my thoughts that I'm thinking differently to how I used to think as a male or before I started presenting full time en femme. Of course I have realised that I'm generally happier now, but I had thought that it was because I no longer have to guard a secret any more. The changes that hormones have brought about me, other than the obvious physical changes, have amazed me, and I really hope that they will continue to do so. Hmmm, mind you, I'm not sure that I could classify myself as a woman yet anyway, but I think at least I have the right to wear "L" plates! Having been a man in my past life, I can see why the sexes get so frustrated with other, there is no way that I could have imagined what it's like to be a woman when I was a man. Yes it is a mans world, for all the equality acts and similar around the world, but I don't think that men meant it to be so, they just can't understand how or what is needed to make it more equal. I'd love to know if the reverse is similar for Trans men, perhaps someone can let me know? Anyway I'm off on a pub crawl in Birminghams South Side, with my wife and some LGBT Friends this afternoon, we've been looking forward to it for the past two weeks.............I don't think I'll be in a very fit state to write anything for a day or so afterwards........ As we say in the UK, Cheers, Eve

Last weekend I visited my mom for four days in Ohio. I have been trying to visit her at least once a month or every other month since my father passed away. It had been over two months since my last visit, so it was somewhat overdue. During my last visit, I told her that I thought that I would need to transition. This last visit I told her that I am planning on taking hormones soon and hair removal. She was a little surprised, accepting but trying to understand why I was doing this. One of her first questions was, "are you sure that you really want to do this?" and "have you thought this through?". I told her that I've been thinking about it for my entire life. The other question she asked was "why now?". I told her that I've been coping with this since I was 4 years old, but a lot of the techniques that I use to cope are not working any more or not working well. She also asked me if it was possible that this has something to do with my dad dying, and I told her that it was possible, though I didn't start having a crisis until about 6 months after he passed away. Anyways, it was a good visit. She and my sister both support me. That helps so much! I still need to discuss this with my wife though. I really have not had a chance to talk since I returned home. I hope that I will get a chance today or tomorrow. I think that I am going to schedule my appointment this Monday for the endocrinologist and to start the laser removal. My therapist will send a letter to recommend me for hormones. I am fair skinned, have mostly black hair, so I should do okay. I'll have to get electrolysis to remove the remaining white hairs. I am hopeful that insurance will pay for the endo appointment and the blood tests. I hope that everyone has had a good week. Love, Lisa

In case you’re not familiar with it, “Transfigurations” is a wonderful book of photography and associated narratives of trans men and women by Jana Marcus. I recently posted about it here: I have stepped through the on-line slideshow and video a couple of times. Profound seems like an overused word but it was definitely that for me. What I found in these pages are wonderful examples of real people simply needing to be what they are. Like me. You see, this has all been very hard for me to accept and acknowledge, that I am transgender. I’ve blogged about this before and received your encouragement, thank you. But still, I wondered: what’s it mean? When I’m dressed I feel right in the world and I have a reluctance to remove the feminine clothing. But when I do, hey, it’s okay. I get along fine in my masculine clothes, too. I love the book and will soon be ordering my own copy. I also was transfixed by the video of the book’s release. Here again, the transmen who are interviewed are so grounded, so themselves; no one can deny their validity and humanity. These are guys I’d like to know. I’ll bet we would become good friends. A few days ago I emailed the link to the book and video to my therapist. His response: Thanks, Emma. Beautiful and inspiring. And did you know that Quan Yin has been sitting next to you the entire time you have been in my office? I think he’s right. Quan Yin is right next to me, always. I’m not in her shadow nor is she in mine. I don’t know what she is to me at the moment. Guardian angel? Alter ego? It doesn’t matter; it’s just very comforting to know that she’s here with me. Like Cecilia, I want to live up to the ideals of Quan Yin. Emma Photo credit: This is from Jana Marcus with her full permission. Thank you, Jana! In case you can't read the tag line at the bottom of the photo, the book may be ordered at a special on-line price here: http://www.7angelspress.com

Things that come to mind without blinking an eye, yes, surgery is a big deal but pales (at least for me pain-wise) in comparison to dilation. No sugar coating it, it really hurts. On the bright side it gets better but not before you have done this about 300 times. For me the next thing is cisgender females will talk to you about things you would never even guess, it’s a totally different world. Even cisgender females that you don’t talk to but notice in a glance or passing by on the street, for me (and I know it’s not my imagination) there is an unspoken thing, it might be a smile or a slight nod of the head. By no means do all females do this but just this week I had a handful of nods and smiles and right back at them. Next up is my mindset has changed, I am now very picky about how I present myself clothing wise. Just this morning I tried something like five outfits on, left the house and then two blocks down was still questioning my current attire. Another thing on mindset, sometimes I feel like a teenager, learning about my new body. It’s the little things, the care is different than before. Then there is hooray, no more tucking with tight underwear. There is nothing like getting dressed or pulling up my underwear after using the toilet and that’s it, no tucking. Of course tucking is small in comparison to having a vagina, it makes all the difference in my identity. And Marci was not lying, it’s sensitive down there. When my mind goes to that special place I get excited and sensations radiate from down there, so much different than the male counterpart. My hope is at three months out I will not even think about mentioning dilation which I am off to do now followed by relaxing after a long but good day at work.