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Our stories all will be very different, as has been pointed out our individual backgrounds will play out so much. I know that when I've read many of the stories from people who knew as a child that they were born into the wrong body there is often a story or stories about harsh reactions when they displayed their correct gender. In my case, my parents were, how do I put this nicely, ambivalent. As a very young child my best friend was a girl who lived down the street, we played as girls typically would. If my parents even realized that (they probably didn't) they wouldn't have reacted harshly. I think it's often the harsh responses that imprint the memory, without it you might bury the memory more. Their ambivalence could have been good, in that it might have left me free to explore who I was, but it didn't work that way. They also didn't do anything to make me feel any sense of self-esteem so as soon as I came into contact with other social forces (elementary school) I crumbled and while I didn't do much to fit into a typically male mode I also stayed away from anything female (and thus spend many days after school at home watching TV).

Hi Emma, No I didn't think it risky at all, point of fact is that my past doesn't need to be secret, just the same as I don't really mind if people (public) know, realise or think that I'm trans, I obviously prefer them thinking that I'm female, but it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm just me. As Karen has said above, I have come to terms with myself, but also with my past. Eve

Hi Eve, Thanks very much for your post. I imagine you felt it's kind of risky. But if you can't risk with us, who can you risk with? !!! I greatly appreciate your openness, concerns, and sure, your commitment. Airing your feelings is very healthy for you and your readers. I think we all wonder at times about our motivations and it's good to reflect on our histories, especially childhood, when our raw innocence cannot be denied. Emma

Thinking about "I seemed to have a lot of very male traits in my early life" and your physical traits not in alignment with the internal you, one must realize there is always the part of how one is brought up plays into the entire picture which does not in anyway diminish the girl (thinking young age) within. Many males who are female inside can exhibit GI Joe characteristics while a female who is male inside may come off as Barbie for the sole purpose of saying "I am really this gender" but deep below it's a lie. My point being there is social reasons for the gender traits and ones to disguise who we are truly inside. Anyways what I read is A typical of people like me, you and others and it (at least to me) is wonderful that we live in a time were the internet provides us information from others to validate or invalidate our own mental self that we are truly not alone and not an anomaly or sexual deviate but instead very much sane once we come to terms with what we are going through.

Karen, I feel some resonance with your entry, I must write a new entry on my own blog...................It's been bothering me for some time. Eve

Dear Brigsby and Christie, Diet beverages have been shown to increase weight gain because they increase the appetite for sweet foods. Am so sorry you gained weight by eating at McDonald's, and wish you had consulted a nutritionist to gain weight in a healthy way. It is not too late . . . especially for young people. You may have blown out your adrenal glands and may have to lose it slowly in a healthy fashion. Avoid the fad diets and seek lifetime lifestyle changes. Monica

Karen, seems like Debbie was zeroing in on your female energy. My God! She sounds like a heavy butch! Only a heavy butch would be bold enough to do something like that! Monica

Keywords to me are; scary, reality and overcome. Take it from me (yeah here goes Karen yakking again), I know that when first starting out that these things are true and at some point we all consider these components to go on and on and on and on. But one day you will wake up just like any other day doing "it" right until that one day it's second nature and others "just getting" just like you without realizing "it". That day someone is going to say things like "you are so beautiful" or "I can't even imagine you as your former self (yeah they will avoid the "M" word, male" There will be a moment when you realize that you can't imagine yourself as a male too and this carries through to others and those who don't know the former you will never have to second guess because you are you, female woo-hoo. And it goes on from there. Best wishes on your journey

Echoing Monica's advice here, but "lifestyle changes" is not very well defined. Maybe it would help to give you some of my story: About fifteen years ago my waist size was 38 and I knew I was headed to 40, tipping the scales at almost 200 pounds. I don't remember what I weighed back in HS and college, but I suppose it was in the mid-150s. My doctor was increasingly concerned, starting having "The Talk" with me about possible diabetes, and I got suitably scared. The good news is that I was able to reduce. I used the Atkins approach, pretty religiously, along with bicycle riding for exercise. I got down to about 36 waist size and 165-170 pounds, and thought I was pretty much done for about ten years. But then it seemed my glucose levels were still staying higher than the doctor wanted to see. So, I got religion again, counting calories and carbs, and am now at about 155#, 34" waist (comfortable), and my blood tests look great. It is hard to do at times. But I do enjoy desserts from time to time, and I really enjoy a glass of wine or a beer. Nothing to excess. When we go out to eat which isn't very often, I do enjoy some bread and butter. At home we often have a nice big salad topped with chicken that I BBQ, and with olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dressing. Oh, and did I mention a glass of wine? The other thing I found necessary for me is to every single day... weigh myself. Yes, it sounds extreme, but only then do I see if my weight is staying about where I want it, or if it's trending up. It never goes down without my attention. My weight tends to fluctuate about a pound up and down, anyway, so if I didn't monitor it, then I would not know where I am in that cycle. Lastly, turn it into a game. Don't make it into a "I'll never be able to have cake (or pick your poison) again! Woe is me!" If you do that then it's so hard to stay motivated because you feel like your starving yourself and life's just too short. Give yourself credit and a pat on the back when you lose a pound. And look forward to buying new (smaller) clothes! Okay, I'll get off my soap box. Send me a PM if you'd like more thoughts... Good luck, Emma

Hi Brigsby, At the risk of repeating myself, I hope you feel more than welcome here, because you ARE. We're always delighted to get to know new members and greatly appreciate their Forum comments and posts, as well as their blogs. I hope we continue to hear a lot from you. Hugs, Emma

I am super grateful for the internet, as I feel a major lack of face to face community in my city. It seems the majority of the programs I found are for transwomen, 16-29 youth, or 50+ older people. The ONE support group that I have found for transmen at the popular LGBTQ centre has issues with ONE person which they can not seem control (which is sad, because so many new faces show up once, then never return). Also, I haven't found anything for the 30-45 age group. I have no idea what it's like to have or feel a sense of "community" and wish this wasn't so.

Got it

When I said, "It's been many years since I changed my diet and lifestyle and started loosing weight", cutting all pop was a MAJOR part of that. I don't remember the last time I had something that contains carbonation or aspartame! Before that, I drank a lot of Coke Zero, like it was going out of style. It IS my favourite drink of ALL TIME! I miss it dearly! And yes, I lost the most weight the fastest after and I noticed a major difference in the way I felt after I cut it out completely. The reason for the title of this post, is because cake and Coke are what I miss the most!

I think men's pants technically come in odd sizes, but mostly even? I'm wondering from the title of this entry if you drink Coke Zero? I have read that even diet soda can hamper dieting efforts, possibly even worse than regular soda. I was hugely addicted to soda (mainly diet pepsi) and I gave it up completely about a month ago. I think it's had a positive impact on my own dieting efforts.

Well.........shame there's not a 'love this' option after Crissiesan's entry, and the very sage comments too. I look at it like this, when you're in the mist it's not easy to see the way ahead, so this creates a state of confusion and doubt etc., Crissiesan when you get out of the mist, all the doubts will dissapear. How do you go about getting out of the mist? Well you could wait for the weather to clear, i.e. wait for social change, or you can try to move out of the mist in different directions until you find your path ahead, I guess some would call it pushing your personal envelope. Hugs, Eve

Thank you for this! I think you have used that quote before, but I'm glad you said it again, it really is a great mantra! I also noticed today that when I think about being "male" again it's always "going back," which means thinking as a female is becoming my norm

Hey Warren, I also liked the cartoon and assumed you'd drawn it. What a bummer about the beach. We don't get as crowded out here in Northern California but indeed the traffic can get thick. I'm always pushing to get started a little earlier to beat the rush. I would also be seriously bummed to have talked to K. We can assume (hope) that she was just having a bad day and you were unfortunate to be on the receiving end of her crap. Or she's always like this. Either way it has nothing to do with you. You're cool, we know that, and you don't deserve that kind of tone or treatment from anyone. No way, no how. Dammit. I also don't blame you for being reduced to tears. Why not? You're bravely putting yourself on the firing line, stepping in front, leading the way. Yes, it absolutely sucks to keep getting this kind of response. We're all pulling for YOU, Warren. Many warm hugs, Emma

Thank you for being so supportive , Emma. I am a little down right now but I'm going to try and focus on being positive.

Dear Winter, I'm so sorry to hear this from you and I'm not surprised to hear you're feeling depressed. I think what you are experiencing is what we all fear: rejection, loneliness, despair, and all that self-questioning: am I doing the right thing? How crazy am I? Well, you're not. No, I don't know you at all of course. But being TG isn't a "choice" the way that others would see it. It is what it is. And if you're on the Transgender Train I think it's best to get started and ride it out, to whatever stop(s) you decide to get off at. In the meantime may I suggest that you keep on blogging, let us know how you're doing, and allow us to give whatever support we can. Hugs, Emma

At the end of the day, you need to do what makes you happy in the moment! I sat on my transition for many years, mostly out of fear on how my family would react. There is no rush to transition and you will know when the time is right to pursue the next step. If it's meant to be, you will make it happen. You will find a way to make it happen.

For me, I am transitioning, even though 100% of the time I don't feel female. This creates self-doubt. The reason, at least for me, for the self-doubt is that society is gender binary. We are torn across two extremes of gender. That being said, if the idea of having wide hips and breasts as a result of body changes is unappealing in any way, you should reconsider. Myself, regardless of whether I transition or not, want more of a female figure. I just feel that is the way things should have been. If your doubts are mostly related to the fear of transition and fitting into society or losing your male self.. All of us have those doubts. You will miss the male privilege, and really that is what I know I will miss. Plus you will miss your male self. There are things about ourselves that will not change with gender, however there are things that undoubtedly will.

I'm no expert either and agree with both Karen's and Charl's feedback. I'd say that I'm going through the same think as you, Crissie. I'm like the classic "chicken and egg problem": which came first, the chicken or the egg? I recall always wanting and wishing to be a girl. But I also had a very dominating and punishing mother, and an absent father, with no siblings. Perhaps one thing that threw my mother into a rage was my expressing my wish to be female? I'll never know since both are long gone. These days I'm achieving some peace by just trying to allow myself to be me. While in public I'm visible as male but sometimes wear feminine underthings. At least I have that awareness of that while I'm outside. At home I may or may not dress. I do what feels comfortable. It's hard to get this all figured out. As much as would all like to have it known and "done" right now, it doesn't happen that way. Patience with yourself is, I think very important. But that's hard to do too. emma

Also, you don't have to settle for being either a boy or a girl. You are no less transgender, no less human, and no less valid if at times you feel male or female, both or neither, all of these positions are valid and true expressions of transgender identity. And if you feel 100% girl, then that's who you are and that's fine too. Love Charl -o0o-

Crissiesan, you are far from being alone with these feelings, many of us have and will deny them but if you are destined to be female then as you get older these feelings will become stronger and as with many undeniable but of course this may simply be a desire to dress in the opposite gender which may very well feel like you should be female. The only true way to find out if you are transgender, crossdresser or (let's call it confused) a false/positive where false/positive means you think you should be female be don't fit into the need to transition nor dress in the opposite gender. So this is the task of a therapist who is well versed with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria can simply be that a mother was dominate in the household or that one played more with the other gender, I am not a therapist so these are only educated guesses. Without a therapist many go down a dark road that leads to nothing good and can very well cause a train wreck. Best to find out now and learn what the steps are to move forward.