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I had a session with my therapist today where part of the conversation lead to a junction on a post I did this morning "The Opposite Sex, Rene's story" and she said that many letters being written by her are for Marci Bowers. Then the conversation turned to male to female clients and that in recent months she wrote letters for clients for Marci Bowers. Even though she asked before, she asked again, where you happy with your results from Marci? No hesitation, yet I am completely happy with the looks, normal functionality and arousal for just just under four months post surgery. I can not give enough praise about her in regards to pre and post surgery. Each month I text message her on her personal phone number to let her know how things are progressing. This month I said since all is fine perhaps you need not hear from me. She responded and said I care and please keep providing updates. So I just wanted others to know that Marci is in high demand and well worth waiting for yet I am guessing some may not want to wait between 14 to 18 months so if you are interested in using her know full well there is a waiting list for her services.

Yesterday evening (Friday) we had some of our friends round for a BBQ and drinks, they were 3 trans and one wife plus my wife (should I now refer to her as my partner?) we had a great time. One of my Trans friends and I are quite close and we share many innermost thoughts such as how it all began for us with cross-dressing etc., I think it's imperative to have close freinds who are going through similar issues, she is also like me waiting for her GRS, although she's in front of me in the queue. I don't know anyone in the UK who has seen a Transgender Therapist, I'm not sure if they even exist, so I'm often puzzled why US Trans people see them and wonder at the benefits versus the costs. I'm unsure of what the dialogue would contain. We have close friends as mentioned above, mostly met at Outskirts (a Trans group in B'ham UK) and in whome we trust and confide with each other with listening and advice, and we have really enjoyable conversations, I find it especially rewarding to meet newcomers fresh out of the closet and sit with them in a large group where we give support and advice on the myriad of issues that are faced by trans people, it seems to be a time honoured way of doing things. By no means do all go ahead and change gender full-time, or start HRT, relatively few of us actually, many have valid reasons for not going "all the way", such as jobs and family etc. and seem to be happy with part-time Transvestivism, some of whom would if those issues weren't there, and others who wouldn't want to anyway. So I guess that we could be described as a tight community that is also open to all. Anyway enough of my musings, in a weeks time we're off to the Ardennes in southern Belgium with our caravan, we have stayed in the Ardennes before in Luxembourg, but at that time I was presenting as male - albeit with a gynecomastia vest, so it wasn't too long ago. We were really taken with the area, and are thinking of uprooting and moving there in the next few years, especially if the UK in / out of the EU referendum results in an out result. So we want to go and see how well I'd be able to fit in as the new me - Eve. It seems to me that most trans people live in cities, so I really don't know what to expect in what is a very rural area of French speaking Belgium. We are meeting our freinds from The Hague whilst we are there and so I expect that we'll be having fun no matter what. Needless to say I'm excited at the prospect of going abroad for the second time as Eve with my new passport, and also treading unknown trans territory.......... I'll let you know when I return. Cheers, Eve

Well that sounds a lot more straightforward than in the UK, the 3 psych's are the norm here, 1 local, and 2 at Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic in London. That being said my doctor prescribed me with oestrogen patches to stop me self meding, so I was lucky and got a great start, but I still have had to go through the process anyway, and then after seeing the psych's, I saw the endocrinologist who upped my patch dosage and prescribed Decapeptyl injections. So no, I'm also not typical of the UK NHS route. Thanks for the answers, they're appreciated. Cheers, Eve

My experience in Oregon was see a therapist, get a letter to give to a doctor, that's it. Then the doctor (as luck was she is male to female) asked me questions, listen and approved me. My guess is the norm is unlike this, it all depends whom you see. Me, seeing a female to male therapist and a male to female doctor is rare if you ask me.

I have nothing to measure on in regards to a general practicing therapist to a therapist with expertness with trans people. With that said my two therapist, one female to male and one cisgender female both bring with them a vast amount of experience which ebbs out of them in their insight and challenges to clients which I can not image can occur with a general practicing therapist. In regards to your trip, makes me want to say "can I come too?". Never been to Europe and would love too.

It is a monumental decision to move forward, like my therapist said to me yesterday after showing her pictures from a photo session last weekend. Kevin is but a distant memory and there is no way you could ever go back (not like I would even think of it). But is a small percentile that have regret but I tend to believe this is the fault on both the person and the professional assisting them and ignore the Benjamin standards or loosely interpret them for their own agenda.

Hi Christie, So glad that you believe in yourself, and yes you need to forgive and possibly forget and move on. Passable? we have a saying over here "mind over matter - I don't mind and you don't matter" that's how to approach the thorny issue of passing, it's other people who might have a problem with me, I don't have a problem being me, so that's their problem, and I don't give it anymore thought than that these days, I just move on........... Hope this helps you, Eve

Christie, I truly believe that once you come to terms with "the fear" and doubt which is one of the main catalyst for many not moving forward you will see things crystal clear like never before in regards to self-awareness in either direction you take by it not moving forward or moving forward. The passable part will be a thing of the past if you truly start hormones and believe in yourself. It is not an overnight thing nor a few weeks but instead many months to have confidence to have others believe in you too. I know some people who write notes to themselves to build up confidence while I had objects in my place, pictures, vases with flowers and in general how my place was and is setup as a cisgender female does. This goes a long way to building confidence and to place one's mind into the right place so it is not simply you the person but the things and people that surround us.

It is interesting how perspectives vary on this. My thought was that Caitlyn probably suffered even more than me for a number of reasons. 1. She is older. She grew up before there was the Internet or much reliable information about transgender issues. I remember believing I was the "only one" in the world who felt this way. Caitlyn came up at a time when there was even less information and much less tolerance. 2. She became famous. Bruce Jenner was an American icon and was a hero to many. Bruce received endorsements such as Wheaties and became instantly recognizable in virtually every household in America. I can relate from being fairly well known in my home town and how scary it is that your "secret" might get out. Remember this was in an era when most of America was very intolerant. 3. Caitlyn probably realized she could never just disappear and then reappear as her female self. At the time of my transition (over 20 years ago) that is exactly what I did. I disappeared and reemerged as a female. Fortunately for me I passed pretty near flawlessly so I pretty much just got on with my life. Caitlyn probably didn't have that opportunity with Paparazzi hounding her. I believe Caitlyn's coming out will signal a turning point in how America views and treats transgender people. Or course there will still be ignorance and bigotry, but Caitlyn has people talking. Now, everybody knows somebody who is transgender -- or at least they feel like they do. I have never seen the outpouring of support that I am for Caitlyn. I do believe we're at a cross roads. Let's hope this will be the shift we've been hoping for.

I guess that's sort of the double-edged sword of celebrity exposure. Anything that brings awareness to the general public is good, but the rich and famous live in such a different world than the rest of us that their experiences will not realistically reflect most peoples'. The CBC actually ran an article a couple days ago on that exact topic: Caitlyn Jenner's transition doesn't represent most transgender experiences Although we also shouldn't lose sight of the fact that Caitlyn felt the same pain we're all familiar with.

Mikah, I know we all tend to be our own worst critics, but really, you look great! And apparently you enjoy BSG *and* Firefly, so you have great taste, as well! Glad to hear that you're feeling better. Best wishes and hugs to you! Sara

I am thrilled that your meeting went well. It's always great to hear these success stories. Also, I am glad that you are comfortable enough in your own skin to go out in it, as is. This is comparing apples and oranges, but I remember doing "the girl" thing, getting all pretty to hit the bars, and feeling like it was just a ruse - saying it's like wearing on a "costume" makes a lot of sense to me.

I Have been following all the Jenner news. This has stirred some of my recent thinking. What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change. I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful. Women express this better than almost all men. When I put on a dress I feel changed. When I see most other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy. This is the excepted image of men. I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man. When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing. I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair. I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change. Here is another thought. I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion. Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body. However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman. Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.

I've been seeing a lot of hate lately towards the gorgeous Caitlyn Jenner, and frankly...its saddening. I know it is difficult for people to understand the gravity and complexity of being Transgendered unless they have LIVED it. No one will understand it unless they have witnessed it in their own lives, or gone through the judgement of something in which you have no control. Many saying she is no hero. She is not courageous. Well what you may not realize, is she is a hero. Perhaps not a metal of honor or a survivor of a battle, but a hero to others who aspire to be like her. To the Transgender Community. You see, there are many levels of courage. It all depends on who is looking at it. Not saying that soldiers arent courageous, dont get me wrong! They have a lot of courage and guts, and I know it takes a lot of heart, soul and dedication to be a soldier in war. But no matter what they do they'll always be considered a hero. Transgenders.....no matter what we do, we're freaks and outcasts. A soldier can wear his uniform in public and get handshakes and appreciation. Transgenders get beat up and pointed at and parents shooing their kids away. Suffering names like "tranny" and "fa**ot" and countless other things. We cannot even use the correct bathrooms, or ANY public bathroom, without ridicule and heart breaking judgement. Just...you know....just saying. I know you're gonna say "well soldiers die for their country" and I agree with that fact, though I may not agree with the reasons for them to give their lives, but nevertheless I agree that its tragic. But transgenders also die... Maybe not for their country, maybe not in uniforms, and maybe not with honor. But for their lack of identity and ability to be who they truely are. They commit suicide from abandonment of their families and friends. Because the mental turmoil and cruelty they endure is just as big of a battle as one overseas. And if they dont commit suicide...they're sometimes even murdered. For being alive.... Just food for thought. Warren

A month or so ago (hard to keep track of the passage of time these days) I found myself becoming addicted to "Ghost Whisperer." I had seen bits of the show in passing in the past but it never caught my attention until now. For those who don't know, it was a show from - well, sometime - with Jennifer Love Hewitt in which she could see ghosts of people who hadn't been able to "cross over." She helps them resolve whatever it is that is keeping them "Earth-bound." And regardless how neat and sappy the episode is, it never fails to get me to cry at the ending as the ghost "sees the light." I've never been a particular believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but I'm a strong believer in the ongoing work of the subconscious. I believe that it's always vigilant and ready to tell you "you need this, you're ready for this." I believe that's why my sudden addiction to this show. My parents passed away about 10 years ago, within about 3 months of each other, and both too young (my mother was 67, my father had just turned 69). My life, which had been unraveling in slow and not-so-slow motion up until then, went into a full-on tail spin not long after that. I don't want to go into those details, and I know there are many, many people who have had far worse experiences, but I'll suffice it to say here that my experiences were not run-of-the-mill problems. I also spent a lot of that time blaming my parents, and not necessarily without cause. They made a decision when we were born (I have an older brother and sister) that they didn't want to do what their parents did, which was to push them towards or away from particular careers, basically pushing them in the direction they thought they should go. But in doing so, my parents (I believe) went way too far in the other direction, failing to provide any sense of direction or encouragement to us. As a result I failed to develop follow-through and beyond that a belief in myself and that I could accomplish things. Anyway, last night while I was doing my volunteer gig at a comedy theater there was a show going on that wasn't catching my interest, so I found myself going into my own head. Perhaps a comedian had made a parent reference, but something got me to thinking about them. And I realized (and this is where "Ghost Whisperer" comes into play) that I needed to forgive them, because until I did I wasn't going to be able to move on, at least as effectively as I can. And so I did. Right, wrong, or otherwise I blamed them, and by doing that I was keeping myself focused on what they did wrong and the impact it had on me, rather than taking charge of my own life. I think I got into "Ghost Whisperer" because my subconscious saw the show's structure and realized that I needed that, and I was ready for it. It also might have some up because I was wearing my mother's high school ring. And especially right now I need that, because I've started a journey here that requires (REQUIRES) me to believe in myself. I find that when I feel any sense of "doubt" lately it's really fear, it's the fear that I will never be "passable," that people will always see a "man." So there you have it. My review of "Ghost Whisperer" xoxo Christie (P.S., for further evidence of my belief that it was time, "Christie" was my birth middle name, and it was my mother's maiden name)

hmmm I see, It sounds to me to be just the same stuff that we help each other with in our community, do you also have to see 3 psychiatrists before HRT and GRS? You know, I've only ever seen one therapist and that was a Hypnotherapist the other week when I was in Brighton, to help with weight loss............Therapists (whatever sort) just aren't common in the UK, so I'm really trying to get my head round what you US girls do. Cheers, Eve

The dialog (in my still brief experience with her) is very similar to any other therapist, I think it's more about her experience, that she knows more about the process, problems, benefits, etc. of transitioning both from her own research and work with other clients. It's not that a "regular" therapist can't work with a transgender person in transition, but they might not know some things that are helpful (the effect of hormones, etc.)

People still call me Steve at times, I don't really mind because they don't do it purposefully, it's just old habits that they find hard to shake off......... Eve

Yeah Karen, it'd be nice to meet you! Guess we'd have a fair bit to talk about................... Cheers, Eve

Yeah but what do they do, what is the dialogue (generically)? We don't have them here and I'm interested to find out LoL Eve

This past week was the first in which I was almost entirely going by Christie, and I noticed last night that my friend (who works at the comedy club where I volunteer) accidentally called me by my former name and I initially didn't react. It was only because it was his voice and clearly aimed in my direction (I wasn't looking at him at the moment) that got my attention. I'm already seeing that using my former name (which I still have to in a few circumstances) feels almost foreign to me.

I think I was typing my comment when you and Karen were doing the same, have to say that I agree with you both, and I thought about "props" too, such as large femme sunglasses to help hide my droopy male looking eyes, wearing the right combination of clothes to hide my lack of hips, and to show that my boobs are real wide loose trousers to hide my size 9 (US 11) feet, not too much over the top make-up, ensuring that the colour of my wig and the style and length of my wig suits me (read in your own hair if you're lucky enough), there are a lot of props that you can use and they helped me no end in gaining confidence. Eve

Along those lines last night, while still in my own head, I recognized the really big fear was about finding a job if I needed to. I worried that, especially if I didn't believe I was passable, that I might not be able to find one. But then I thought about that fear vs. the idea of just giving this up. My inner response to that wasn't even to consider them against each other, it was simply that I can't do that. I can't go back, if I do that I'm just not living my life.

So 3 updates as another week comes to an end... I met yesterday with our Dean and Associate Dean - it was a very positive, encouraging meeting. They proposed how to handle communicating my transition to my new name (and transition generally) to a broader audience (the students I work with directly, and then a general communication to the entire school which wouldn't identify me directly but would discuss the school's policies, etc. re transgender faculty/staff/students). They also made it clear that updating my email address wouldn't be an issue (officially there is a policy that it has to incorporate you legal first name). I also found out that our dean was one of the original drafters of the NYC administrative policy regarding TG employees (he was formerly chief counsel to Mayor Bloomberg). So he's kind of familiar with these matters! The Stonewall Girls meetup was last night, and this time I decided to go "as is." I usually would go home and get more en femme (wig, skirt, etc.), but now that feels too much like wearing a costume. It is an attempt to present as a woman, but not necessarily as me. It ended up being beneficial because it gave me a better sense of where exactly I am in terms of presentation. In the rest of the world the noticeable thing is that I'm doing feminine things with my look, but in a TG/CD group it's more noticeable that I still look partly like a guy. (It was described by one person there as "in between"). So I can use those meetups (every Thursday) as one way to gauge my progress, simply by committing to going "as me." Finally, and MOST important - my hair worked today I curled it this morning so that it would curl in towards the bottom, usually the wind blow is it out on my way in to work, but today it held!

Well ok you have, Caitlin Jenner in the US, and doesn't she look great on the cover of Vanity?. Here in the UK we have Kellie Maloney, formerly Frank Maloney, boxing promoter, managed Lennox Lewis amongst others, who has transitioned at the age of 60, that's what I call a really brave thing to do, of course it wasn't a choice, like most trans she could only resist being herself for so long, she has appeared on TV in rubbish dross shows such as Big Brother (reality show), but these are shows that the masses watch, and so it helps to normalise being trans in the minds of those who find it difficult to think for themselves. Kellie has freely admitted that her life was better after appearing in the show, than was previously the case. These Celebrity Trans actually do a huge favour for the rest of us, in helping to develop a "so you're trans - so what?" attitude to us, amongst the sheep-like masses out there. Of course there will be some who would already have had a "oh really? wow, when did you.......etc" questioning and interest attitude to us, I hope that more will behave in such a manner. Personally I don't agree with Kellie and her politics (UKIP), but from what I have seen, I admire her achievement, and determination to be who she wants be, she is a lady who believes in herself & that's good enough for me. Thanks Kellie, bless you, Eve x

I must agree, any good - no non negative press regarding transgender has to be good, let's face it, the sheep like masses out there, always seem to look up to the rich & famous, so it helps to normalise the whole spectrum of Trans isssues. Think Elton John & being openly gay is such a similar parallel. Here in the UK we were only aware of Bruce Jenner when she had all that nasty invasive press coverage, It's refreshing to see the balance of coverage start to go in the other direction, and of course I'm glad that her life is seemingly turning out to be better. Cheers, Eve

Thanks ladies I've spent the last few days alone with my thoughts and it's been good to clear my read - refocus on my goals. Work and some toxicity from people had really gotten to me. A little bit of hermitting and your kind words have done a lot to get me back on my feet again.

Keywords to me are; scary, reality and overcome. Take it from me (yeah here goes Karen yakking again), I know that when first starting out that these things are true and at some point we all consider these components to go on and on and on and on. But one day you will wake up just like any other day doing "it" right until that one day it's second nature and others "just getting" just like you without realizing "it". That day someone is going to say things like "you are so beautiful" or "I can't even imagine you as your former self (yeah they will avoid the "M" word, male" There will be a moment when you realize that you can't imagine yourself as a male too and this carries through to others and those who don't know the former you will never have to second guess because you are you, female woo-hoo. And it goes on from there. Best wishes on your journey

Well good evening!! This blog will serve different purposes for me, the main one is that it helps calm me down when I write, and I am able to express myself better thru writing. The transition is happening later in my life, I am 46, almost 47. I have been married for 21 years and have a son who is 15. And let me preface the spouse and son ARE NOT supporters. I am 13 months into my journey, and it has been anything but smooth. I had just gotten a job as a big time corporate chef and working at a college, finding acceptance would be easy. Well to a point. I worked for a global fortune 100 company that had a pretty good HRC score, but alas we are located in Wyoming. Yep. A beautiful state, but still not to accepting. Now understand that I am not a trans female who wants to stand out, I want to blend in. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't wear dresses or skirts, I am a jeans and slacks kinda girl. Some have asked why not wear stuff other that boring jeans and slacks. The answer is simple. Dresses don't fit my personality. But to me it is the outward appearance that caused me to derail. I will explain. See to me, getting on the hormones and wearing make up and such was so important, and yet that was my biggest problem. The outward look. Not an issue of passing or not passing ( I hate those terms), it was i worried so much about the outward, I didn't deal with the inward struggles. I was so worried about looking the part, i made a mess of the transition. No let me correct that...a huge mess of things. I regret how a lot of things went down, but while i can't change what was, i can sure make sure to fix the mistakes of the past. Well thats where i will leave it for now. I will write more tomorrow evening. Thanks lovlies!!!