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Today I was thinking about the real life experience (12 months test) that a person is required by the WPATH guidelines and how I seemingly did extremely well over 12+ months and believe this is partly from having studying female mannerisms, realizing from many observations how female and male anatomies are different yet with the right preparation from watching cisgender females a cisgender male can compensate for what surgery can't give you which is the natural movements of a cisgender female and the lack of hips and longer legs. Granted that some of us have longer legs and have a more female curve but many don't. Watch a cross-dresser solely dressing for sexual gratification and we will see them wearing pencil style skirts while a male-to-female that has studied cisgender females may more often wear a skirt that flares out slightly to balance out broad shoulders. Sticking with hips and broad shoulders we can compensate by wearing high waisted jeans. I believe that no matter how well one does compensates with clothing a true telltale sign to others is when a beautiful woman walks down the street like a man, then questions begin to circle through their heads, is that a man or a woman? The aim of studying female movement is so that you can come to possess it for yourself, so that is not copying what women do, but rather making it part of your natural being, as it is for other women. One thing that is seen between males and females when walking is men's feet generally are outward while female's feet are more inward. Take note of this when out in public and I am sure you will see this too. There are natural reasons for this that men do not possess yet one can mimic by imagining that you are walking along a line, but try to curve your feet into that line as you go, rather than letting them move parallel to the line. This should produce a slight, but natural-looking jiggle, that should help you to achieve an acceptably feminine gait. Thinking of walking, how about sitting, where are your leg's, spread apart as a typical male or knees close together or touching. Are you sitting forward or backwards, where are your hands and when talking are you talking with your hands? You simply don't practice and do but practice, practice, practice and evaluate until it becomes natural and the key here is to constantly evaluate one's self.

My dosage of Estradiol has been increased. I am looking forward to the changes that come with that. So far I've noticed the following changes: - Overall, I am much more calm and patient. Though, because I haven't transitioned yet and feel kind of trapped I get impatient and angry. - I am much more focused. More than I have been my whole life! - Overall, I sleep much better at night. I can sleep 12, 13, 14 hours straight if I really need it. I was totally unable to do that before. Though, lately I have woken up in the middle of the night anxious (like I used to). I have brief periods of fear and anxiety that I am going to lose everything and everyone due to transition. - My sex drive is less. Actually, when I started HRT, the first four weeks, my sex drive dropped to zero, but has bounced back. Still lower. - Physically, the only thing I've noticed is some shrinkage below and my breasts are swollen and a little sore if I press on the nipple. - My appetite is about the same but I get the munchies much less, which has been the killer for me! Hopefully, not TMI. But I wanted to share. I've only been on HRT for two months, but have noticed changes. Mentally, it has been dramatic. Physically, not as much. I would imagine with the increase in estrogen, the pace of change will pick up.

Happy Friday everyone! Later this afternoon I have my appointment with an endocrinologist to discuss HRT. It's very much a preliminary discussion, I just want to hear from a doctor what's involved (hopefully it won't be much different than what I've discovered through my own research and reading people's entries here, but hearing it from a doctor makes it more "real"). I was originally scheduled for tomorrow morning but they called yesterday to see if I could come in today instead, which is great since they're in Queens (trekking from Jersey City to Queens on Saturday morning would have been quite a drag). I assume the doctor will cover what needs to be covered, but my therapist did suggest thinking about what questions I have for them, rather than trying to think about that during the appointment. So I've done that, but if anyone has suggestions about questions, suggest away . The endocrinologist was a reference from my regular doctor, and I saw his name on a TG website, so I know he's familiar with MtF HRT. That should be a good lead-in to my "contemplation" (ongoing) this weekend. What also helps is that I'm getting used to actually being called Christie :-) I underestimated how weird that would be, but it makes sense that after 48 years of being called one thing to suddenly be called something else would take some adjustment. But it is getting more comfortable. The last step in terms of the name transition at work will be early next week when an email goes to the entire faculty and staff letting them know - we're discussing today how that will happen. xoxo Christie

I really never expected this. When I first started out in this journey I told myself that I didn't care what I looked like in the end. I didn't care if people always saw me as a man who wants to be a woman. At least I would be honest. At least I was being me. I could finally let go of the pain of lying and projecting myself as male that I held onto for so long like some kind of comfort blanket... made of rabid raccoons - That kept me safe... in an emotionally scarring sort of way. "I keep telling you, nothing's wrong - I always look this intense." For a long time that was the truth. Some days were better than others in the beginning. Some days I felt I passed and other days I felt like people could see right through my wig and my makeup for the drag queen that I was. As time went on and the hormones took their toll on my face and body I actually started to feel less passable. It felt awkward but at least it still felt right. Looking back on it, the looks everybody gave me probably weren't them saying to themselves, "what a freak," like I thought they were - it was probably them being genuinely curious about my gender. "Why yes! This is my natural colour!" Looking back on a journal entry from early in my transition I remember myself stating that I wasn't sure about going all the way - that being androgynous would be enough. Funny that when I finally made it there it felt so wrong. Fear is a strong thing and I think that was my way of coping with the fact that I might not have been able to look like a woman - coupled with the fact that for a while I wasn't able to unsee my male self when I looked in the mirror. When people looked at me funny, curious about my existence, I just wanted them to see me as another girl in the street. My hair had gotten long enough (and thick enough) and I was so sick of the uncomfortable wigs that I stopped wearing them. I started to look not really one gender, not yet the other. "Just guess what you're looking at. No pressure!" Recently I was beginning to notice that the attention was waning. Something in me started to panic. Maybe it's because I had gotten used to people's stares, I'd gotten used to room full of people who would take turns staring at me until it seemed like everyone had done it at least once. I didn't even realize that people stopped looking because they no longer register me as anything other than... female. Wrapping my head around this is a little weird! Maybe it's because I thought it would never happen and for a while my inferiority complex (still lingering from trying to live as a man) wouldn't let me believe that I was being seen as a woman. The only time looks linger now is because they think I'm cute! The smiles people give me aren't sinister - they're genuine. New people don't do the double-take that they once did when I walked up to them. Chatting in a cafe just today when I brought up anything trans related my friend would lean in and whisper as though no one else in the coffee shop needed to know. It was our little secret and she looked so excited for me! "Why yes, I would like to show more leg!" Now I need to decide what to do with this. Two years ago I told myself that I would move out of town, change my name and start a new life if I was ever able to go stealth. But with all the support and new friends I've made I can see that was a decision made purely out of fear. I've already decided that being passable is going to work a lot to my advantage but in my career and in my life I really want to get into trans support and trans rights. Why vanish when I could do much more by being visible? Apparently being passable is helpful in that regard and while I don't think that's right on society's part I want to do what I can to change the general public's viewpoint. Somehow. Slowly, surely. Let's see what happens now.

I think it's healthy to look back and one's self through images to see the changes and how far you have come in a transition. I never did but a good friend of mine took pictures over the years from 2007 till the present and now happy she did so. One of the small but important changes I see in your pictures is no smile as a male to smiling as a female. I can't imagine anything but a bright future for you.

BECOMING US (ABC Family) STORY LINE (From IMDB) In this unscripted drama, a teenager named Ben learns to live with his dad becoming a woman. The series will follow Ben, his family and his friends as they support one another through this unexpected journey and navigate their new world with Charlie now living as Carly. I'd like to know if anyone who has lived something of this experience has seen Becoming Us? I just want to know if this is like reality, or some fabricated show that spreads untrue stereotypes to people who are unfamiliar with the trans narrative. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to see the show yet (I am Canadian, so I can't watch it on the website, and can't find an external link) - but wanted an opinion, other than vile comments I've seen on their advertising, from people who can relate to this show.

Mikah, I can always use improvement.

Good tips! You must be pretty well practiced.

If I may suggest, take pictures of your face every month. In about 12 months look back at the first and the last, you should see changes that are not seen over the duration of the 12 months. This happened with me, could not believe the difference.

What I think is happening is, Testosterone was the "drug" that motivated me. It caused me to be hypermotivated, over-anxious, over-aggressive. Now that I have been on HRT for a couple of months, there is peace inside of me. I can see things really clearly. But I am more emotional. Things tend to overwhelm me a little more or feel more daunting. And there is anxiety, but for different reasons. The feelings and fear that I am having is losing everything. Though, the periods are brief, I have them every couple of days or so after I wake up in the middle of the night. I mentioned this to my therapist. I definitely feel more vulnerable, even though, nothing has really changed. Other than starting HRT a couple of months ago. That being said, I feel much better on Estrogen. I have more focus now than I've ever had in my whole life. I am much more calm. I didn't realize, yet I suspected, how bad the Testosterone in my body really was.

the best part of the support groups I have attended over the years has been the connections I have made with others in my situation and can relate too. It is a wonderful feeling to be in a room of ppl that accept you as you are and have real conversations about life. Sure understand your feelings and encourage it with those of you afraid to try it