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Good morning wonderful people of TGGuide! Today I have an appointment with my endocrinologist to get blood work, etc. done in preparation for HRT. I haven't gotten the letter from my therapist yet, but it is being prepared, and she had me complete a consent form so that she can send it to the endocrinologist as soon as it's ready. I also have an August 6 appointment with the endocrinologist, which may be (hopefully!) the day I get the prescription. All that is just to lead in to some thoughts about depression and my overall emotional state. I was looking back over last weekend at some older journals that I had - they go back a couple of years. I was struck by how consistently I wrote about "feeling nothing" and how my life "felt meaningless," and on occasion how close I seemed to be to just giving it up. I no longer have any of those feelings - but what really struck me was the fact that objectively my life hasn't changed, except for this (and I realize that's a big "except," but bear with me). The point is that in terms of my job, my social life, my home life, etc., everything is largely exactly the same as it was (at work it may be a little worse). But I no longer have the feeling that my life is meaningless. I can really only attribute it to the fact that I'm now living authentically. I noticed very early on (as soon as I openly acknowledged being trans) that my mood lifted, but it's now been months since then and nothing has changed. Of course there's fear and anxiety about what this means for my future, but frankly that's much better than feeling nothing! In moments when the fear and anxiety gets especially strong (which is less frequent than it was even a few weeks ago), and I wonder if I can really do it, the immediate counterthought is that I can't not do it, I know with absolute certainty that I CANNOT go back to where I was. In the next few weeks I'm planning to put the "finishing touches" on presenting as a woman. I feel ready for it, and the timing is particularly good in terms of work. I work at a school and when I get back from vacation on July 27 (which is when I plan to "unveil" this at work) we start a period of a few weeks before the semester starts (and the summer session will be over), so I'll have a few weeks with things being pretty quiet here to get myself used to it before the throngs return (and believe me, based on where my office is located, I'm right in the midst of the throng, I'm not hidden off to a side). xoxo Christie

Five weeks to go until I meet the endocrinologist. I look at the calendar once a day. I started journaling a month ago to help with my anxiety. It helps but I always want to share it with others, as if my life is just that damn interesting. Three weeks ago I began seeing a therapist. I knew that I was supposed to see one for transitioning stuff, but I feel like I’m just rambling for fifty five minutes. Beth assures me that is what I’m supposed to be doing. This last Friday, Friday Jun 26th, 2015. Bans on Gay marriage were deemed unconstitutional in the United States. It fills me with relief to know that when I find someone I can marry them, no matter what gender they are. I have a physician now as well. Her name is Stacy. She’s very nice and very compassionate. I feel like I have doctors I can trust and that luxury is not lost on me. Stacy made the referral for the endocrinologist. I have to go to Yale New Haven Hospital. They have a Transgender Clinic. I started working out. My attitude has changed. I’m no longer easily discourage or enraged. I bought a new phone. I’m in love with it. I’m excited for my next year of college. I’m beginning to plan my move in February. I know what I want, and that’s half the battle. Now to just start saving. I began writing up scripts for the Trans-a-Saurus Rex. I think that’s going to be my summer project. 52 of them on for each week. I know that other people don’t understand me, instead of being hurt or angered by it, I’m just disappointed. I’m not half a girl, I’m not technically female. I’m Male everywhere it counts, Or so I’m told. I think I’ll write one comic for every incident in the 2014-2015 year. That should be like 60-ish. Time to make art. I’m happy. I didn’t know that I could ever feel this way. Hope changes a Man.

That's very true, it is definitely being thrown in at the deep end. The location of my office requires that in getting from the elevators to the office I have to walk through the cafeteria. During lunch hour there will be hundreds of students there. And excellent comment about "staring back" - as I started wearing more and more make-up I was very aware that I tended to look away if someone passed so I've been actively working on making eye contact with people. On the plus side, I used to not smile very easily (I had "resting bitch face"), but it comes much more naturally now :-)

It's good that you're in the throng too, mostly you'll either be ignored or have positive comments, a few bad comments might happen but I suspect not many at all. I had a bit of negativism (have I spelt that correctly?) from two or three of my neighbours, and an awful looking woman in a pub, and I think that was about it with negative responses when I transitioned full-time. The neighbours soon stopped staring especially when I eventually stared back at them! I soon became yesterday's news. From most accounts this seems to be a fairly typical sort of negative reaction, so don't worry too much about it. So why is it good to be in the throng?, because it'll give you so much confidence in a relatively short period of time, it's termed 'being thrown in at the deep end'. Hmmm character building I 'spose. Going to County Court did it for me, as I posted a few months ago.

Finishing touches probably wasn't the right term. In my mind it's stepping over the line from overall presenting as a man to presenting as a woman (right now I think I mostly look like a man trying to look like a woman). But that definitely isn't the finish line :-)

Congrats on all of this! It is great to have doctors that you trust, and a therapist. And I definitely know what you mean about feeling like you're just rambling during therapy sessions, but I've found that I often get the best feedback from therapists when that's what I think I'm doing :-) I look forward to seeing your comics!

I'm so glad that you feel so much more at ease with yourself now, and as you've already found out to an extent, it just gets easier and easier being who you are. Finishing touches? I'm not aware that they really ever finish................anyway you'll find out for yourself soon enough, I found it all to be fun, hope it's the same for you. Cheers, Eve

Well how to feel stupid! LoL Sorry........anyway ,hormones still change the man so it was half appropriate!

I'm FtM. So...Reverse that. ​

hmmmmm .........Hope cahnges a man?, no, hormones change a man ! LoL, & so you won't be male everywhere it counts for much longer so it would seem! Good luck with the endocrinologist. Cheers, Eve

Mohamed Gandhi said, “Be the Change you want to see in the world.” When he said that, I don’t think he knew the power he held in those words. Or perhaps he did. The first time I heard those words, was out of my own mouth as I read them from my laptop screen on a hazy summer Tuesday night. I had researched them in an attempt to pick myself up of the ground. I tried to mimic those words in every nuance of my life ever since, but it hasn’t helped. I want to sleep all the time. Not because I’m tired, but because nobody can ruin your day when you’re asleep. That might be because it’s actually night time, when I sleep. Or it could be because I’m by myself in my own mental fortress, but I digress. In my love of sleep I have realized two things. The first is that no matter how bad I hurt, Sleep always makes me feel better. It’s like a drug. There’s something to be said for that languid ache you feel when you’ve just woken up and you’re still too asleep to think. The second thing is, sleep can be a good excuse for just being a dick. Let’s face it folks not everyone’s personalities are ideal. I'll confess to that sin later. A lack of sleep could be the reason you’re a douche. It’s a coping mechanism. You should still probably face the inevitable truth though, someone in our great big world thinks you’re a douche. My goal in life alternates between a true passion for striving for something great and trying to own the notion that I am never going to be the perfect person. I cry a lot. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m mad. I cry when the world feels like it is trying to tackle me to the ground and beat the shit out of me. That last thing can be an everyday feeling if you let it. Don’t let it. The world is not a nice place, if you didn’t know that yet than I’m sorry to have spoiled it for you. But, as we just discussed you’re a douche. So when the world starts being a dick, start a pissing match but be professional. I was asked why I’m such a critic of Transgender Media Representation and the answer is simple. We’re like gays in the millennials. We’re trying to depict a sun shine perfect example of who we are and how we can be:" Normal" and "Sexy". To the general populous this Idea may be ideal, but I still think it sucks. It sucks because what we’re showing to the Trans population is that you should look like an Abercrombie and Fitch model or Laverne Cox. Those are some high standards. Not every woman, Trans or cis, can realistically aspire to be Laverne Cox. There can be only one. We as a society of slightly developed Monkey people, really feel a compulsion to set standards. By set I mean inflict. We inflict our concepts of beauty on others like weapons. People get dumped or judged because they’re “Not Pretty”. What does the aesthetics of a person really do for a couple’s relationship in relation to providing for their family? Aesthetics does not ensure survival. Why focus on it? Again I will digress. My real point in all this is to start a strange kind of dialog about life, more specifically about Shame. I started writing these to put my life into a dialog I could share with other young transmen. So here is my confession I promised at the beginning. I’m not pretty. I’m not nice. I’m Trans. I’m the realist nobody likes. I would make a promise to post these in a more sequential order but I keep forgetting to actually upload them…Sorry. Sometimes I'm too busy thinking to remember how to human being. A positive post will follow this.

Ben, Lots of excellent points here. To focus quickly on the point about media representation, I recall the early years when I had come out as gay (mistakenly as it turns out!), and finding even the LGBT rights movement trying to focus people on "mainstream" or "normal" lesbian and gay people. Can't say LGBT for that part since they definitely did not want attention focused on the BT part! Long before I realized I was trans I was really pissed about that - it was trans people who rioted at the Stonewall back in '69 after all. Your talk about setting standards made me think of a Barney Frank quote (bear with me, I will connect this!) - back in 1993 when people were arguing over whether LGBT people were 1% or 10% of the population I saw him in a debate - and quite brilliantly he didn't engage in the battle of the numbers, he just said "how many of us do there have to be to be entitled to civil rights?" The connection that I would add here is this - how perfect do we all have to be to be entitled to civil rights? The answer of course should be "NOT AT F***ING ALL!" - many, many imperfect cis-people get rights after all. xoxo Christie

UK NHS advice regarding trans breast size is that a cup size smaller than your mother's is the norm. I also suspect that if you were heavy chested as a male it will also have a bearing. Good luck with your religious issues................. Cheers, Eve

Warren, I really feel for you and your deep discomfort. It's a shame you don't have an NHS in the US. I too, used to not want to go out or be very selective as to the places that I would go out to, so I have an idea of some of your problem's. I hope that things improve for you soon, Cheers, Eve

7 mos HRT - woah

I'm a newbie - Been 7 mos. HRT - haven't shared experience with anyone yet

My mom has opened me as her other Daught. and told the rest of the family accept and get on with life. My friends all are so open and been the back bone seeing me along the ad f who and what I am. I now nedto let my twitter friends so my change.Plese help me do that a bit scared. .