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I know I said Goodbye in my last entry, but I still get alerts, and when I read this entry I felt so compelled to comment because it so very closely describes my journey to Transwoman. Leaving behind the outrageous leather minis and over the knee high heeled boots, and moved on to dressing as a woman does, so that I "fit in". I don't think about my appearance 24 hours a day anymore, just enjoying life as me. Well said Karen.

Those who are cross-dressers that become transgender who are on a journey to gender reassignment surgery most likely have gone through the following. You felt compelled to dress in the opposite gender, may have been your mother's or sister's garments or you have been resourceful in some other way to obtain the opposite gender clothing. It begins early in life, many just over five years old and as age is accumulated going to stores and clothing outlets in secret (for most) is how clothing is obtained. You hurry home to put on the clothing, look in the mirror and are happy and nervous at the same time, happy to be in the proper attire but nervous someone will come home to see you. Life continues and trans people become more resourceful by hiding clothing and put it on when nobody else is home or perhaps get a motel room, dress, go out and sadly at some point must disrobe and go home. The above is but one permutation in how things might pan out and is not meant to cover everyone. Now for me I will not lie, I spent a lot of time out in clubs dressed extremely sexy but at the same time not overly done up with very high heels and tons of makeup. Have always be conservative even in sexy mode out at clubs. Time spun by and I fell into the "blend in" like other females in my area. Went home and either stayed dressed as I was at work (this is after gender surgery) or pj's. Now here is the kicker, over the past month I head straight for the bedroom, toss my clothes into the hamper and put on a tank top and a fresh pair of underwear. Some might call this de evolution, say what, spent all the money and time to become a female and not dress as one??? Here is what I believe to be true, I am so comfortable in my own skin that why cover it up? When friends drop by unannounced I have either a skirt or shorts to put on quickly. Read this far? If so here is what I would suggest from what I wrote above and what I have not written is that so many who are transitioning feel they must either dress well, dress sexy to enforce their self image of a woman they can lose sight of the bigger picture which is to simply enjoy life, blend in to the woodwork in regards to not dressing up but instead elegantly dressing to the average woman. I have many female friends who at home after work will get comfy as I do (well maybe not down to their underwear yet in this heat maybe). It is critical during your one year trial period to become relaxed and comfortable with "everything" else one can worry themselves to death and we all need down time. PS Feel that I am missing something??? But than again maybe not. I encourage others to voice their opinions.

Karen, I agree about relaxing at home. From the start I've pretty much done that, although I still consider it "dressing as a woman" (there's nothing I wear now that isn't female). But it does tend to be comfortable shorts and a t-shirt or tank top at home (I also have virtually no visitors, so being ready for an unexpected guest isn't really an issue). Up until now I definitely have tried to dress more feminine, in large part because it expresses who I am, and because I hadn't been doing that for SO long. It's also a way of counteracting the still-present male gender cues that I suffer from (yes, "suffer"). I'm guessing that once hormones start kicking in, and once electrolysis gets far enough along (and certainly after breast augmentation), my wardrobe choices might change (though they might not). In general I just try to dress the way I want :-) I think one important distinction might be in your phrase about blending in with women in your area. Having grown up in suburban New Jersey, and lived in North Carolina for 5 years, and now in the NYC area (between NYC and Jersey City) one thing I noticed is that in NYC fashions are all over the map, so "blending in" isn't really possible. By contrast there was a little more in common in how women dressed in NJ and NC. Although I'm absolutely not critical of anyone who makes this choice, the thought of "blending in" or "fitting in" makes me a cringe a little. Again, just personally it's not something I'd want to do. Perhaps it's because I'm still fairly early in transition and it makes me think of years of trying to fit in in the wrong gender :-) I try to use "being authentic" as my motivation in all areas, including wardrobe. xoxo Christie

Hi Eve, I think there are many that have done what the both of us did and as we get older see that we need to change to a more conservative approach to dressing. I am sure you loved how you dressed at that time, same here, it was fun but now we have evolved Hope all is well in your world.

Well here we are - "the day." I had a very hard time sleeping last night. I tried to go to bed early to go to the gym in the morning, and I felt tired, but as soon as I turned off the light I was wide awake :-) I decided fairly quickly to abandon the idea of the gym (it was just putting more pressure on me to get to sleep), and I got up, took a unisom, and then laid on the couch with the TV on. I probably fell asleep a half hour later. I think that knowing that today was the day suddenly made it all so very real - and I'm still totally excited about it, but as Karen pointed out, anxiety is natural. You can't know going in just what changes will happen, but things will happen! Developing breasts, reducing penis and sex drive, smoother skin, losing body hair - and those are just the physical! Well anyway, I'm at work now, so I just have to try to focus on that until about 2:00 (5 hours!!!!!!!) xoxo Christie