Leaderboard

Well as most know it's not easy to meet someone even as cis-gender. I know from when I was male and attempted to lead that life. Pretty much had a girlfriend after my divorce from 2000 to 2012 but the majority of them were in another town, Portland which is a 20 minute drive or out in the sticks, closer but not much better. I always wanted to have a relationship with a female that was close to home but that never happened. I was not into casual sex but wanted to be in some type of relationship. From 2012 until three months or so ago I realized the same thing was true, hard to find a man or female close by that I was attracted too and could speak intelligent, hold a decent conversation. So over the past month I have been "playing the field" for both genders. I found one female that I get along fine with and the same with one man. Had to weed out a lot of people just to find these two and not fully committed to either one, guess I am a tad bit picky and have the right to be. I met a man last night at a bar, and I was horny and was not looking for anything past a casual encounter. Well I really hit the jackpot with this one, he was such a gentleman the entire night. Went back to his place and was taken back a bit to see his package, I did not measure but think it was eight inches and safe to say I made sure he made good use of it several times. He was the first man that know more than three positions and was very happy about that along with my pleasure came first. After the first go-around I laid there pleasuring myself which in turn got him ready again and it was great yet another time. Oh, with a long penis comes a wider penis and I had zero issues other than the length at some points was hitting against the back wall but what would a girl to think a eight inch penis is going to make it back there without knocking the back wall which is why other positions are good for a penis that length. Girls, in this case size did matter, especially width as I have little sensation there and a ton of sensation in my clit that can keep going and going, makes my body shake and toes curl in a great way. I should mention that after telling him about my past it was not a problem. He did say at first, you are playing a joke on me, I can't believe you were once male. I feel it's important to disclose to someone that you might get intimate with about one's past but if not and never plan too than mums the word.

I'd always wanted a pair of nice boobs for as long as I could remember, I used to imagine what it'd be like to have boobs, what it'd feel like with my nipples placed out much further from my ribs than they used to be. Then when I came out as transvestite, dressing part-time, I used to long to be more feminine, and that really started me off with hormones, way before any sane person would have advised anybody to, so yes I self medded. I wanted as much feminisation as possible, to enable me to "pass" and act as a female, so that I could convincingly wear tight skirts, leggings, make-up, tight tops, and wait a minute isn't this sounding what a man's idea of what a woman is? It was mine. Point is that I knew that HRT would feminise me, that I'd grow boobs if I was lucky, that I'd loose upper body strength (I didn't realise just how much I'd lose though!), my facial features would soften, and that weight re-distribution would happen. This has happened, and over the last 14 months or so my tastes in female clothing have also changed, they started to become much more what a real woman would wear, same is true for make-up too. It's gradually started to dawn on me after all this time, that I'm becoming a woman, not just a more feminine version of the previous me, as I had previously been thinking of. HRT for trans women is not just about Hormone Replacement Therapy, I'd been taking oestrogen for 18 months or so before I became a patient of Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic, and during that time I had developed as a more feminine male - the more feminine version of the previous me. HRT for trans women is as much about Hormone Removal Therapy, taking away testosterone has in my opinion, been responsible for my becoming a woman - not sure if there's still a way to go yet, I can only hope so. So it was a bit of a revelation to realise that I'm becoming a woman, but one that I wouldn't want to miss for the world. Maybe those in our community who have known from birth that they were born in the wrong body may already know that they are a woman, but there are many like me who did not posess those feelings or have that knowledge. So to those who are treading, or contemplating treading a similar HRT path, beware that you'll become a woman not just a feminine version of yourself. Cheers, Eve

Hi everyone, I've been less active here recently because of my new position at work - i actually have work to do But I am still trying to keep up with reading entries! It's been 2 months of living full-time as a woman, and about the same on hormones. With the exception of being misgendered a couple of times it's been wonderful. Between this and my new job I don't think i've ever felt such contentment. I do wish my sister would come around, but fortunately i've come out to other family members who have all been very supportive! Next Monday (the 19th) my name officially changes, and my official gender (where I can change that). And when I see the endocrinologist again I plan to ask for referral (s) for a surgeon - if things continue as they are i'm hoping for top surgery next summer. I'm still working on the "what else do I want/need?", but making some progress. I stopped the volunteer gig that I had at a comedy club as it was no longer contributing anything to my life, and next Wednesday I start a new trans group at the lesbian/gay center. I've donated most of my male clothing now (to ascnyc, an aids service group). I'll stop this stream of consciousness now and catch up on some of your entries xoxo Christie

I paid 4USD for my meds each month. One thing that my doctor would be diligent about was me taking a baby aspirin each day once on HRT to be safe.

Karen, You go girl! ;-) --Lisa

Eve, Great post! One thing that I would like to add is that self-medicating can be extremely dangerous. There are a percentage of people who are risking their lives by doing so because they may be at risk. But you make a good point about feminizing. I have known my whole life I was trans*. Though I did not take prescribed drugs to feminize before I started HRT under a doctor's care, I did take supplements for a while. They can work, somewhat, but actually are a big waste of money (I spend much less on Estradiol and Spironalactone $20 / month - Generic pricing via Costco). Anyways, the decision to take hormones or even supplements should not be taken lightly. My goal with the supplements was to try to stay as feminine as possible without transitioning. I did have some breast growth and hip growth with them. But looking back, I had in some small way had already made a decision to transition, without really knowing or understanding what was going on inside of me. I thought I was in control. So my advice for anyone considering supplements or "bootleg" Estrogen, they should seek support (here and elsewhere) and therapy, in order to understand what that means and where it is headed. It can be hard for those to take that first step. Because those are tough questions to answer and many "don't want to go there". Anyone who reads this comment, and needs help, please contact me. I can and will help. --Lisa

So happy to hear for the most part things are moving right along. Now is a good time to begin (if you haven't already) writing down places you need to change your name once you can officially do so along with documents needed such as birth certificates and figure out the order documents need to change, every state is slightly different, here is Oregon for example. I paid $107 for the process along with $5 for each copy I wanted as they are good to have as photo copies may not do the trick in some circumstances.

Well you do seem to keep on having fun Karen, you know it's true what people say about the grass looking greener on the other side of the fence, I sort of know that I'll never have the sort of fun that you have had since your GRS, being married and not wanting to cheat on my wife, who has stuck with me through my journey to becoming a woman, when my GRS happens all I can look forward to afterwards are sex toys. But intelligent conversation, companionship, life sharing, it's all there for me in bucket loads, so it seems to me that we're on opposite sides of the fence, wanting what we don't have. Oh yeah, when any relationship is new any couple are at it like hammer and tongues, having been married twice, and having had numerous girlfriends before that, I know that the activity at the begining of relationships does not last forever. But as much as I would love a little more spice in my life, I realise that it's the other life sharing aspects of a relationship that are so important, because they last forever and get better as time passes...................., so as much as you enjoy 8", don't rule out the other two possibilities. Cheers, Eve

So glad that you're so happy Christie, I knew from early on in your entries in this site that you'd get to where you need to be. I also have been very thin with my entries, it's due to life getting in the way ! xoxo Eve

It's been five months now since I restarted my regime of herbal hormones. I have had ups and downs but in general it's been a pleasant experience. I started seing a difference in my breasts almost from day one but didn't expect much else from the herbs. The research I have done indicated slower progress and diminished results opposed to that of conventional medicine. Be that as it may my emotional state has changed. I feel more at home in my body. The anger and frustration has subsided and calm and serenity has taken it's place. I still get stressed and since I came out to my family and friends I tend to grind my teath but I use to do it before the hormones and attribute it to my general stress levels. I am more aware of it now and can intervene to stop the stress cycle. I also noticed recently that my sense of smell has improved dramatically. My breasts are sensitive and I get growth pains often for days on end lately. My sex drive has diminished considerably and although I am still able to forfill my duties as a husband I don't feel like doing all sorts of crazy things to satisfy my urges anymore like in the past. I feel in control for the first time.

Lisa, thanks for your comments, yes you're right about self medding, but then I've always been my own person, and done things my own way...........Funny but I too started with supplements and found Pueraria Mirifica to have started my boobs off, but I've posted all this stuff in earlier blogs. I didn't think that it was a waste of money, because I could legally get the stuff, then I found a way of getting the real stuff, and then results were a lot stronger and faster. I was lucky in that I told my GP about my self medding, and she then offered to prescribe for me, before referral to CHX GIC. When I post about my past self medding I am not advertising that it's a great idea for one and all to follow, in fact I posted that I started oestrogen "way before any sane person would have advised anybody to".

Last night I was informed that the one I'm dating is going away for a month or more. I'm not the dependent type of person, but it's giving me the sensation of sadness and that my boo is way too far to touch. And me vocalizing this feeling made him stress about it too. What I know for certain is, his family decided on him to go help out at family and the ones that decided aren't aware of our relationship or at least not aware of how I look. Make that his whole mom's side of the family, as I've been exposed to his dad's side and the battle of me winning them over or proving that we are a good couple was won on first impressions, one side down, another to go. What's bothering me is he'll be away and about seven to eight hours worth of drive if not more. I first need to find out if they are talking about 120km/h (75mph) or at a greater speed then the legal speed limit. Which is almost giving me a sense of anxiety. But we grew closer in the last few months of knowing each other and we will just have to see what this family obligation will hold in store for us. Why are relationships so complicated??? I also know the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.". But the more we had this discussion the more reluctant he is seeming to go help his family, which I don't want. Maybe he is fearing me dumping him for being so far away. The thing I'm worried about, it will be his first birthday together with me and will he truly be back by then. No I didn't change my leave planning for him as yet, as we still have to gel more according to me, and then we can start planning our life together. And family does come first especially if they are the supportive kind, and he is supper attached to his family. Where I am the one only attached to some of my family, especially my oldest sister (even though we have an age gap of 16 years, she was the first to know I never identified as male, but we've been open about most of our feelingsfeelings as we have been open since before I was four years when we discussed me not being a boy), and then my sister in law and her oldest daughter I call my child. I'm actually closer to my brother's in laws then my own family, weird. So getting back to my feelings. I would love to have him to myself, but I know I'm sharing him with his family and he doesn't give any two or even how million F#@ks about anybody disapproving of our relationship. Still I'm getting a sense his mom was the deciding factor in this matter, because we never met and we don't have a relationship as yet. Well I worry about the whole thing, or if anything is about to happen, as all relationships need a time apart to see if it will work. Now that is my 2cents worth of thoughts on this. Live life, love yourself, and be who you've always been. I'm out Michele

Good afternoon/morning/evening/Saturday? TGG friends, Yes, It's me again. No I havent died and no, nothing super dramatic has happened. I've just taken a lot of time to sort myself out and try and get my head straight. You'll be glad to know that I have been 'clean' or 'sober' of self harm for several weeks, and I am so far really loving my job. So far, I have not had a single day of dreading a workday aside from merely just being exhausted, getting used to 3rd shift. But it's getting easier. Speaking of, this'll be short since I'm on my way back to sleep. I've decided to cease communication (temporarily, I think.....) with a dear friend/sister of mine I met a year ago due to added stress and frustration. Seemed like every single time we talked, we fought. And I really just couldnt deal with it anymore. I've gotten a bit better with the silence and feel slightly better, though not 100% yet. But at least it's something. On another note, the cutting. I forced myself to stay away from it in attempts to keep that section of my bicep clean of open wounds...because I was going to cut myself off from it for good. How you might ask? Well, the pictures will explain. "We are not defined by how hard we fall" It took about four hours to do the outlining, and I go back in a few weeks to do the shadowing and detail work. My dear cousin and awesome tattoo artist Tim in Montpilier VT did everything freehand for me to make sure it were unique and custom, and I thank him greatly for it. It were insanely painful to deal with at times, especially around the top of the shoulder and back of the armpit area. But with something like this to look at every time I want to cut into that area, I know it'll stop me. Why would I destroy something I worked so hard for? Something I went through so much pain to accomplish? It's the theory anyway, and I'm staking a lot on that theory. Besides, the bf will strangle me if I cut up this tattoo. By the time it's done, it would have costed me about 800$ including tip. Out of my surgery funds I've saved myself. 800$ is not 10,000$, which is what I need for my surgery. So why not use it for something that might help me? Hurts to use my hard saved money that was reserved for my surgery, but I dont see myself getting it any time soon.....if at all. But....yeah. So now you all know what I've been up to. All my thoughts with you, Warren

Now show the work will be done and I'm the obvious choice for the permanent post.

In regards to the money spent on the tat, if this makes you happy then it's worth well over the cost for having it done and there is always time to begin to save again as you are still young.

It scares the hell out of me when men stare or compliment in general, unless I know them, however I must agree with you both that it does feel nice afterwards............However, I am getting remarks about my bum (Butt if you prefer!) from other women, and to think that I thought I needed to cover it up because I thought it was too narrow, not having female hips...................wtf, it's nice being complimented. Cheers Eve

Frienship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together. ~Woodrow T. Wilson As a transgender girl the need for friends in simular situations grows. The need to identify the right people early on should not be underestimated. People are an integral paet of our world and a great resource for support and guidance. A long standing online friend of mine pointed me in the direction of a girl who run a local support group in my area. This is something that I have felt a growing need for since I started hormones. I contacted her and she agreed to add me to the group and envited me to the next meeting. Another girl approached me from the group and we started chatting. We decided to meet before hand to get to know each other. As circumstance determined we had to meet in boy mode. It's probably my least favourite thing to meet other girls in boymode but I went through with it and we had a long emotional eavening together. My wife dropped in for a bit to meet het too and we both agreed that we liked her. I hope I made a better friend than my last attempt who turned out to be a druggy and blackmailer. Tonight I meet the rest of the girls.