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Last week I was called Mam four times. Even had one restaurant employee say " Welcome ladies - how are you doing" as I entered his restaurant. I have given up correcting people, actually kind of like how it makes me feel. A month ago in boy mode I was at a sports expo and had stopped at a booth selling shoe inserts. The shop/booth owner was busy and asked one of his workers to "please help this woman" I could not believe myself - how feminine I must have looked to him. (Really was not trying) Yesterday, I had two women runners make commits on my shaved legs "how are they were so perfect" and "perfect looking legs" Have any of you all had these kind of comments - even when in boy mode?

My first relationship was with a girl. At the time, I told myself that it was alright to be with a girl; in fact, I was supposed to be with a girl, because inside I wasn't a girl. I never told her that, though. During my teenage years, I convinced myself it would be okay if everyone thought I was a lesbian. It was preferable to the truth. I looked female and, if I was with a female, I could play the more masculine role in the relationship. And I did. It was only years later that I realised that I had been using women in that fashion. Guilty secret. My first relationship with a man happened when I was nineteen and at university. I never told him I had been with women. He had long blond hair and he had a slim build. He was quite feminine-looking, although I didn't think, at the time, that had an influence on me. But maybe it did. I was also attracted to a woman named Pippa at university. She was the girlfriend of one of Mike’s friends. A year into the relationship with Mike, I discovered they had been secretly seeing each other. I split with Mike. Pippa found out that I knew and she ended her relationships with both men. And then we got together. But it didn't last long. Eventually I returned to Mike, after seeing a few people in between. I told some of those people that I was bisexual and invariably that caused problems. Issues that made me regret disclosing that aspect of me, too. I was still with Mike when I met my husband. Looking back, I can see that none of my relationships were especially healthy. I was never very good at them. And I can blame all kinds of things for that but I know it’s me. My opinion of my own body gets in the way. I can playact at things for a while and then it gets too much to bear and I stop pretending. That means the other person in the relationship stops getting the things they need from me. And for a lot of people that’s a rejection and invalidation. It’s funny that I know I need my own validation but I'm very good at dishing out invalidation to others. That’s wrong and I understand that now. And I also know now that I could never have received the validation I needed because my persona is based on lies and deception, because I've never really been straight with anyone. Sometimes I wonder whether my attraction to women is real. Sometimes I wonder if I've constructed it to give myself opportunities to act out my male-role fantasies. Sometimes I wonder, because I've always been attracted to the male form even though I threw myself into relationships with women first. And sometimes I think about something else that scares me. If I think about the possibility (an extremely remote one, I know) of undergoing gender reassignment surgery, and if I ever received the male body that I always wanted, I would still be attracted to men, first and foremost. And what gay man would ever want me, when there’s a whole bunch of attractive, real gay men out there that they could have instead? I would still be a freak. I'm always going to be a freak, no matter what my body looks like.

I'd always wanted a pair of nice boobs for as long as I could remember, I used to imagine what it'd be like to have boobs, what it'd feel like with my nipples placed out much further from my ribs than they used to be. Then when I came out as transvestite, dressing part-time, I used to long to be more feminine, and that really started me off with hormones, way before any sane person would have advised anybody to, so yes I self medded. I wanted as much feminisation as possible, to enable me to "pass" and act as a female, so that I could convincingly wear tight skirts, leggings, make-up, tight tops, and wait a minute isn't this sounding what a man's idea of what a woman is? It was mine. Point is that I knew that HRT would feminise me, that I'd grow boobs if I was lucky, that I'd loose upper body strength (I didn't realise just how much I'd lose though!), my facial features would soften, and that weight re-distribution would happen. This has happened, and over the last 14 months or so my tastes in female clothing have also changed, they started to become much more what a real woman would wear, same is true for make-up too. It's gradually started to dawn on me after all this time, that I'm becoming a woman, not just a more feminine version of the previous me, as I had previously been thinking of. HRT for trans women is not just about Hormone Replacement Therapy, I'd been taking oestrogen for 18 months or so before I became a patient of Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic, and during that time I had developed as a more feminine male - the more feminine version of the previous me. HRT for trans women is as much about Hormone Removal Therapy, taking away testosterone has in my opinion, been responsible for my becoming a woman - not sure if there's still a way to go yet, I can only hope so. So it was a bit of a revelation to realise that I'm becoming a woman, but one that I wouldn't want to miss for the world. Maybe those in our community who have known from birth that they were born in the wrong body may already know that they are a woman, but there are many like me who did not posess those feelings or have that knowledge. So to those who are treading, or contemplating treading a similar HRT path, beware that you'll become a woman not just a feminine version of yourself. Cheers, Eve

About the only things I was covered for were doctor visits and drugs, everything else was out of pocket for me. There is better insurance which even covers surgery for those who make little to nothing while I am at the opposite end of the scale.

Well in the UK an NHS Prescription is £8.05 per item so if I needed two items such as oestrogen and spiralactone it's £16.10. Good news is that we can have a pre-payment card for £104 per year so it brings the costs right down. If I could get a private prescription oestrogen is around £3 for a months supply, however GP's often charge for private prescriptions, so we get caught whichever way we go. So did you have to pay the doctor for the prescription Karen? Is a baby aspirin easier to swallow than an adult aspirin.......LoL Anyway humour aside, having the NHS in the UK is not always the free ride that others might think. Cheers, Eve

I paid 4USD for my meds each month. One thing that my doctor would be diligent about was me taking a baby aspirin each day once on HRT to be safe.

Lisa, thanks for your comments, yes you're right about self medding, but then I've always been my own person, and done things my own way...........Funny but I too started with supplements and found Pueraria Mirifica to have started my boobs off, but I've posted all this stuff in earlier blogs. I didn't think that it was a waste of money, because I could legally get the stuff, then I found a way of getting the real stuff, and then results were a lot stronger and faster. I was lucky in that I told my GP about my self medding, and she then offered to prescribe for me, before referral to CHX GIC. When I post about my past self medding I am not advertising that it's a great idea for one and all to follow, in fact I posted that I started oestrogen "way before any sane person would have advised anybody to".

Last night I was informed that the one I'm dating is going away for a month or more. I'm not the dependent type of person, but it's giving me the sensation of sadness and that my boo is way too far to touch. And me vocalizing this feeling made him stress about it too. What I know for certain is, his family decided on him to go help out at family and the ones that decided aren't aware of our relationship or at least not aware of how I look. Make that his whole mom's side of the family, as I've been exposed to his dad's side and the battle of me winning them over or proving that we are a good couple was won on first impressions, one side down, another to go. What's bothering me is he'll be away and about seven to eight hours worth of drive if not more. I first need to find out if they are talking about 120km/h (75mph) or at a greater speed then the legal speed limit. Which is almost giving me a sense of anxiety. But we grew closer in the last few months of knowing each other and we will just have to see what this family obligation will hold in store for us. Why are relationships so complicated??? I also know the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.". But the more we had this discussion the more reluctant he is seeming to go help his family, which I don't want. Maybe he is fearing me dumping him for being so far away. The thing I'm worried about, it will be his first birthday together with me and will he truly be back by then. No I didn't change my leave planning for him as yet, as we still have to gel more according to me, and then we can start planning our life together. And family does come first especially if they are the supportive kind, and he is supper attached to his family. Where I am the one only attached to some of my family, especially my oldest sister (even though we have an age gap of 16 years, she was the first to know I never identified as male, but we've been open about most of our feelingsfeelings as we have been open since before I was four years when we discussed me not being a boy), and then my sister in law and her oldest daughter I call my child. I'm actually closer to my brother's in laws then my own family, weird. So getting back to my feelings. I would love to have him to myself, but I know I'm sharing him with his family and he doesn't give any two or even how million F#@ks about anybody disapproving of our relationship. Still I'm getting a sense his mom was the deciding factor in this matter, because we never met and we don't have a relationship as yet. Well I worry about the whole thing, or if anything is about to happen, as all relationships need a time apart to see if it will work. Now that is my 2cents worth of thoughts on this. Live life, love yourself, and be who you've always been. I'm out Michele

Eve, Great post! One thing that I would like to add is that self-medicating can be extremely dangerous. There are a percentage of people who are risking their lives by doing so because they may be at risk. But you make a good point about feminizing. I have known my whole life I was trans*. Though I did not take prescribed drugs to feminize before I started HRT under a doctor's care, I did take supplements for a while. They can work, somewhat, but actually are a big waste of money (I spend much less on Estradiol and Spironalactone $20 / month - Generic pricing via Costco). Anyways, the decision to take hormones or even supplements should not be taken lightly. My goal with the supplements was to try to stay as feminine as possible without transitioning. I did have some breast growth and hip growth with them. But looking back, I had in some small way had already made a decision to transition, without really knowing or understanding what was going on inside of me. I thought I was in control. So my advice for anyone considering supplements or "bootleg" Estrogen, they should seek support (here and elsewhere) and therapy, in order to understand what that means and where it is headed. It can be hard for those to take that first step. Because those are tough questions to answer and many "don't want to go there". Anyone who reads this comment, and needs help, please contact me. I can and will help. --Lisa