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The avatar image on my profile - here and elsewhere - is a phoenix. I have a reason for that. Well, two reasons. After my mother died, I began to feel freer, more able to express myself. My husband said I changed after she died, and he was right, but not for the reasons he'd assumed. Because my mum was the person who knew, most of my life, what I was frightened to tell others (and I was frightened to tell others because of her), he assumed I had lost an ally when she died. But I hadn't. I didn't see her as an ally. I saw her as the reason I hadn't done things I'd wanted to do. I saw her as my blocker. It was like I was reborn after she'd gone. It's awful to admit that out loud but I know it's true. I didn't want her to go but when it actually happened and there was nothing I could do about it, I took advantage of it. Not altogether consciously, but I did. I started to express the real me more and more each passing day. Unfortunately, that coincided with my relationship with my husband getting worse. Or, more probably, our relationship got worse because I was feeling freer to express myself - and my husband didn't like the changes. And we didn't communicate well, which made things even worse. We had stopped communicating properly years ago and had become entrenched in a relationship where we took each other for granted, stuck to the same routine, started to ignore each other. My husband dislikes tattoos. Intensely. For years, I thought I didn't like them too. But over the last couple of years, I've changed my mind about that. Eventually it got to the stage where I was seriously considering getting a tattoo. The only thing that stopped me was the knowledge that my husband didn't like them. But when our relationship got so bad that I started thinking about moving out, I realised I didn't need his permission anyway. It's my body, not his. I don't know why it took me so long to work that out. I got my first tattoo in July. It's a phoenix. It's around 8-9" long by around 4-5" wide, spread across my right shoulder blade, in red, orange and yellow. The tip of one wing peeks over the top of my shoulder, pointing at my clavicle. The artist did a great job and I love it. I told my husband I was going to get the tattoo. He huffed and didn't respond. When I got back from the studio, I asked, "Do you want to see it?" He said, "No." So I didn't show it to him. After our lengthy discussions on Thursday, when we cleared the air and came to an understanding of each others' views and thoughts, when he told me he would support whatever I did, we went to bed. For the first time in over a year. He saw my tattoo for the first time. Grudgingly, he said it was good. I'm considering getting a dragon on my left shoulder. That's mainly because I was born in the Chinese Year of the Dragon. as was my mother. The other reason I use a picture of a phoenix as my avatar image all over the web is because there's no way in hell I'd ever post a photo of me. Not that there are many photos of me to choose from, anyway.

On Thursday I noticed the heel on one of my best boots the bottom part was coming off. I managed to fit it back together yet realized it would eventually be unrepairable. So yesterday morning I headed off to Macy's knowing there was a decent sale on shoes/boots and this is where I purchased the current pair. I believe my choice in an outfit was great, nice pair of leggings which is what I would wear with boots, snakeskin mid height heels, tank top and a cardigan. In less than two minutes a gorgeous late twenty female sale person asked if I needed help. Told her my intent and she said that if I needed any help to wave to her. After about ten minutes she came back over and mentioned that the two pairs of boots I was looking at she had last year and proceeded to tell me about them. The thing that really got me was how she was looking at me like she could eat me up in bed and felt great. We chatted for about five minutes and then asked if I could try both pairs on. Since I know how shoe sizes go I asked to try a 9 and 9.5. She comes back with one pair in 9, one pair in 9.5, get the same look of I could eat you up. So I try both pairs at once and of course can't decide which pair and that one size feels slightly tight and the other slightly too large. She comes back and in short recommends I get the 9.5 giving a few reasons why. I said sold. At the counter after completing the transaction she gives me her personal number and said don't hesitate to call me with a coy smile. I leave feeling good with options going through me head. On the way out an older couple are at the door, the man waits for me holding the door and when I get there he takes his hat off and says good day too you, how is your day going. I said thank you and that my day was great. I mention this because it's not everyday a man takes his hat off for me or for that matter never seen this outside of a movie Returned home and compared the new boots with the old boots and noticed they were the same brand which is good as the old pair served me well, pretty much wore them three or four times a week over the past year. Now thinking about calling the woman who helped me and see what happens but still not sure if I will or not.

I am still battling anxiety and depression. But the meds are clearly helping. Three weeks ago I was barely able to function. Now my head is above water again. Though last weekend and Monday and Wednesday were rough. Today was a little rough as well. But Tuesday was amazing. I finally snapped out of it. I was sitting at my desk, just thinking to myself "this is what normal people must feel like." I don't ever remember feeling that good for years. I probably should have been anxiety / anti-depression medications years ago. But when you suffer with something for a long time, it is hard to know what "better" really is. Anyways, I went shopping last weekend, bought three dresses to improve my mood. It helped. I went to support group. Out to dinner, lunch. Biked a lot over the weekend. But the biggest change over the last four weeks is that I've stopped drinking, been eating less, eating healthier, going to bed early, getting up early. I've been exercising regularly. I've been focused on wellness and it has paid off for me. I feel so much better! And I am doing better. I hope that everyone is doing well and have a good weekend! Love, Lisa

Yesterday was a strange day. It was difficult at times but ultimately fulfilling. Trying to avoid yet another argument with my husband, I went online, searching for my own place to live (my husband knows I've been doing this). I found a place that looked great and I called the estate agent to make an appointment to view it (I'm going to see this place today). My husband overheard me making the appointment. I could tell he wasn't impressed so I started a conversation about why I felt I had to move out. After I'd explained my point of view, he said he agreed with all I'd said but that he didn't want to lose me. That started a whole new conversation where he said he would totally support me if I wanted to transition and he said I didn't have to move out - but if I really wanted to, maybe I should just make it temporary rather than permanent. I had been thinking about purchasing somewhere, but now I'm thinking about renting, for maybe six months, just to see how it goes. I still believe we need space from each other. He doesn't want me to go. He said he would always be here when I wanted to come back. He also said he would come with me when I try to find a therapist and a sympathetic doctor. He said he fell in love with what's in my head and in my heart, not what my body looks like. Everything looks different today. He wants to support me. I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me and he said yes. When I pointed out that, if I go ahead with transitioning, he would be viewed as gay by many people, he said he didn't give a **** what other people thought of him. I asked if he would be okay with a same-sex marriage and he said yes, because he married me, not my body. He wants me. He still wants me. We spent hours discussing my options. Through our talking, I now have a better idea of my end goal. I think I know now what I would be most comfortable with. And that's because I understand his point of view better. I laughed at one point. He got annoyed and offended when I explained how the law works here (England) with regards to obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate. He said the law was obscene. Which it is. He said there was no way he would veto my application for a GRC. That's comforting. But that time is still a long way off. Even so, I feel so relieved today. It's going to make coming out at work next week so much easier.

Okay, on day one I was exhausted and still went to the gym. This week I managed to go to the gym 3 days with my friend. One I couldn't go because I had to attend to a work function. What I noticed on Wednesday was. Meeting day is a crappy day to be at the station. I should thank the heavens that I wasn't put in charge of typing the minutes as well. I hate doing minutes. I had to sit in some meeting that was super boring. And another where I call it a crap out parade. Shame this one Captain just seems to not be in the good books at all. On a brighter note. My Colonel is back, after having a triple bypass and I would have told him to stay at home seeing that the wounds have not as yet all healed, and he developed some infections. But how can you tell a workaholic to stay away from work, if that is one of the things that is making him sick and depressed. So when he says I must drive him somewhere, I just get a vehicle and drive him. I think he is more open about things with me as I am open about myself with him. After he was informed that I dated, he initially jumped to a time I dated someone around the corner from his house, whom was also in the police at that time and abusive. I should be glad that I didn't tell him that ex is in jail now, or he would've blown a gasket. In that breakup I need the protection of my Colonel to make certain that that guy stay away from me. He showed how protective he can be over me and then his friend the commander of that person also had to intervene, because I didn't realize I was dating a psycho, until he became abusive to the extent of punching me a few times and going for a firearm to quiet me up, because no amount of hitting me can make me go quiet. Actually I defended myself, but couldn't get to my phone for help to arrive. I should say, fortunately for me, I had my firearm on me that day, or things would've been different. What I mean by that, I would've been shot, if I didn't have my unique place of pointing a firearm to make any CIS or Transgender Male drop their weapons in fear of losing their little guy. I walked out and as I drove off that day I called to say, don't bother calling me or trying to see me, no person threatens my life or hits me to return into my life without being an arrested suspect. Long story short, I need to run. Just got an urgent call. Will continue on this later.

Eve, I am going to call her tonight as today I have a date with an old co-worker who is a looker. We met once a month and I am starting to think she is into me and I have always even as a male had sexual thoughts for her. I believe you have mentioned in passing about your love of boots before.

Oh my God, go for it girl, you could end up in heaven ! I don't think I've ever mentioned my love of boots in any of my entries, I must do the same as you and see what happens!!! LoL Enjoy, Eve

Good to here things are going better for you now.

Hmmm, funny I thought the same about tatoos, then changed my mind upon transitioning, but I still haven't gotten around to doing anything about it. I thought about something appropriate such as a butterfly, but then I started to think that, a grub or chrysallis might be more appropriate LoL......I'll perhaps get around to a butterfly or something next year. It's great that your husband has said that he'll support you on your "journey". As for working out that it's your body not his, it's societal conditioning that's caused that, be thankful that you've questioned that conditioning, it shows intelligence, and courage too. Cheers, Eve

Thanks for the complement - just last night my wife commented on that I really do look like a woman these days, even without makeup. She said my small body coupled with longer curly blond hair and my arched brows really made it difficult for people to see me as a male. Actually she was a bit niffed at this as she thinks I rival her in looks.

Great, Good for you, I hope all goes well, just remember if anyone acts negatively they have a narrow mind that cannot see past the social conditioning that they have been formatted with, and that's their problem, not yours........... Cheers, Eve

Karen, You go girl! ;-) --Lisa

Well you do seem to keep on having fun Karen, you know it's true what people say about the grass looking greener on the other side of the fence, I sort of know that I'll never have the sort of fun that you have had since your GRS, being married and not wanting to cheat on my wife, who has stuck with me through my journey to becoming a woman, when my GRS happens all I can look forward to afterwards are sex toys. But intelligent conversation, companionship, life sharing, it's all there for me in bucket loads, so it seems to me that we're on opposite sides of the fence, wanting what we don't have. Oh yeah, when any relationship is new any couple are at it like hammer and tongues, having been married twice, and having had numerous girlfriends before that, I know that the activity at the begining of relationships does not last forever. But as much as I would love a little more spice in my life, I realise that it's the other life sharing aspects of a relationship that are so important, because they last forever and get better as time passes...................., so as much as you enjoy 8", don't rule out the other two possibilities. Cheers, Eve

Warren, First, great tattoo I have 4 myself, I had been planning a full back tattoo, but i'm worries that the hormones might make it too painful. Sometimes it becomes necessary to cut off communications, it can certainly be tough, but ultimately can bring some peace. About 3 weeks ago I emailed my sister saying that if she can't accept who I am, or at least show she is moving in that direction, I won't have any communication with her. Nothing since then, while I still hope she'll come around. I have to accept she might not, and that's really more her loss. Anyway, glad to hear that things seem reasonably ok for you and the job seems to be going well for you Xoxoxoxo Christie

In regards to the money spent on the tat, if this makes you happy then it's worth well over the cost for having it done and there is always time to begin to save again as you are still young.