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So while we were cleaning out the closet today so that Bri could hang up more of her clothes without my male clothes eating into her space and remove a lot of things and we went through some of her clothes since we're planning on sharing some of her clothes and mine. Well that's when she mentioned her tights and if I wanted to try them as they were still too tight for her. I jumped at the chance. While dressing up in female mode I don't usually get physically excited, emotionally yes as I'm getting to be what I fell at that moment, but one of my kinks in either mode has been stockings, tights or pantyhose, either on me or my partner. Bri noticed this when I tried them on and between the two of us hatched a plan. After cleaning out the closet she looked online and found a local place that had thigh high's in my size (those are also a big kink hit on top of that) and so we went out to get those for me. I was riding a pretty big emotional high through all of this, but then Bri snuck in a present for me while I was looking for compression hose at the same time. She picked out a necklace with a chain in my size and a really pretty clear gemstone in it. I loved the gesture and the necklace. It was a really sweet thing to do and really touching. When we got home things escalated quickly after I tried the new thigh-highs on along with the necklace and one of our shared baby dolls and we both had a blast. I really love that she did this for me and I do love sharing this little kink with her, I mean I had in the past but it didn't necessarily click, but well, we're all on board now. I guess the stockings are part emotional along with the kink as well as I really associate these with my female side and the fact that Bri was able to get into this with me so much really hit a lot of my buttons physically and emotionally and made me very happy and very satisfied. So overall this was an interesting day for all of this. Work was going well until a few snags really hit a few buttons. Stress at work usually isn't a trigger for me, but since I've been more open about it with Bri, it's been on my mind a bit more. I did get fidgety a bit at work while it was going on and a bit after, but talking to Bri about it settled it. I'd wanted to get into girl mode after work yesterday and especially after the doctor's office visit but it wasn't practical and there was too much going on. I made do and Bri really made letting my doctor know what was going on that much better. She's been a rock through this, well at least when she's been talking to me about it. I am really excited as my breast forms I ordered should be arriving tomorrow. I will definitely be going into girl mode when those arrive and letting Bri destroy the water balloons I've been keeping around since she found out about all of this. I imagine she'll have fun and it'll be fairly therapeutic as well.

As I had promised, here are all the mandalas so far. Those who have colored them are written on each page. -Alexandru

Wazzzzzzzzup!? I know, I know, it's been forever. I've been super busy here lately and havent gotten a ton of down time to do a blog post, I'm really sorry! Plus my darned computer keyboard is dying so typing for a long while gets very frustrating since about 5 keys dont work unless I beat the crap out of them lol Not too much to update on really. I'm boring like that I've bitten the bullet and decided to finally go see a Chiropractor again and see if they could help out on my back pain. I've seen one before and it didnt help much so I'll admit, I was very very hesitant. Especially since the first appointment costs me a pretty penny of 85$. Plus I dont like people touching me..... Anyway, my boyfriend recommended me to a guy he went to see by the name of Dr.Bezon. I was really hesitant but went anyway, and when we went through the medical papers and whatnot I DID explain to him that although the paper legally says male, I'm biologically female so I do deal with feminine problems such as lower back pain in menstration, heavy chest from breasts and etc. He understood and didnt question any of it but wrote it down in my file for later reference. I've noticed that instead of using pronouns, he tends to just use the name. For instance, instead of saying "He/she has an appointment" he just uses "Warren has an appointment." Which is kind of nice really. Especially if you're not sure on the person's pronouns! So I went and I'll admit, my first appointment was rather painful and sore and I was not completely bought yet. I was impressed that he did call and check up on me after my first appointment to make sure that I was doing alright, which he apparently does to all his new patients. Very thoughtful! I've gone back a few times since that first appointment and I've noticed that the more I've been going, the less pain I'm in. It's so nice! I went in today after my 11hr shift (85% if it being seated in a vehicle) with severe pain between my shoulders. This is a common area for my pain and its usually between 7-10 on the 1-10 pain scale. I was extremely sore and hurting and slouching when I went in and he took his time to work out whatever I had going on back here. He was soooo fantastic. Normally its just some popping of my spine and neck and I'm right as rain, but today he actually did something that felt SOOOOOOOOO amazing. It hurt for a moment but he squeezed at my shoulders individually, pulling and pushing on them to "take the weight off your clavical and try and pull your collarbone away from your rotator cuff a little". I've cracked my collar bone in the past so it wouldnt surprise me at all if it's pushed against a few things in there. But he stretched out my shoulders and omg.....it felt SO good! I lost feeling in my hands momentarily and he explained that it was because he was cutting off bloodflow momentarily so he could pull the muscles back into their original places or something like that. It felt so great....The cracking between my shoulders when I breathe has lessened a bit which is nice, and my nightly headaches have decreased drastically! I was having headaches every single night for weeks, now it's once in a while when I havent had any caffine yet. Apparently the muscle I had tension in thats on the right side of my neck (from looking left all the time while driving on patrol) was putting tension around my scalp and causing the headaches and some of my shoulder pain. Also (several years ago, when I was 8 years old) I was rock climbing and fell 15 feet when I grabbed a snake instead of a rock. He thinks that the fall and the way I landed reversed part of my spinal curve which would cause a lot of my back pain. He's working on reversing that which isnt easy considering all the years and years that it's been messed up. But I'm very confident that he is being a massive help! I'll continue to go as often as I can, especially since my insurance covers it 100% which is EPIC!! On another note, I reapply for my surgery this week. I was supposed to apply tomorrow (wednesday) but I realized that the appointment for my lab work (TSH test for my thyroid. Very routine.) was too close to my actual doctors appointment and it wouldnt give it enough time to process before seeing my doctor; so we moved it to testing tomorrow, appointment on Thursday. Which works for me, really lol So there's that, and hopefully (please please please PLEASE......) I'll get a quick (and good!!!) response on my surgery. Also, for the FIRST TIME EVERRRRRRRRR, I voted today lol NH primaries were today and I decided it was time to contribute. I'm really really REALLY hoping the person I voted for will reach the white house....All the other candidates spell really bad bad vibes for the Transgender community.... Anyway, not much else going on. I have become rather good friends with all my alts now. To my knowledge, there are 6 of us. (One popped up randomly recently but I kind of like him lol he's funny He's like a caffine-filled chipmunk with ADHD lol) Milo (sliding scale age, but normally around 8 years), Mathias (age 16), Abriella (age 23), Alexandru (age 23) and Benji (age 18). It's so SOOOO weird to refer to myself as they/them/we sometimes. I'm still getting used to the idea of having Multiple Personalities but at times...I'm thankful for it. It makes me more open minded and I'll be honest, its nice to sometimes not have to deal with work and just tune everything out and 'sleep' while Alex takes over....Call me lazy but it's kind of nice. Anyway, that's enough out of the insane nut in the peanut gallery. Tootles! -Ren P.S. A HUGE HUGE HUGE THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!, to Emma for her amazing gift towards my surgery. It was a huge spirit lifter and made me feel insanely good You're amazing! Unfortunatly Gofundme made me withdraw the funds from the account due to inactivity or something. But I'm going to get an unopenable money bank to put in my room and the whole check is going in it to keep saving up! I sadly had to spend a lot of my home-earned funds for bills school vacation really cut back on my hours for a long month so I lost a lot of hours and $ on my paycheck, so I had to use some of my earned funds on rent and registering my vehicle (ITS INSANE HOW MUCH THEY CHARGE YOU FOR THAT!!!). All in due time I'd love to send out thank-you cards to everyone who has contributed to my surgery funds so please (if you're okay with it!) let me know your addresses? It's the least I can do!!! (If you're not comfy with it, that's totally cool too, just know how much I greatly appreciate you!!) <3 Updated pic Seriously loving my tattoo and rare manliness....

I wanted to just vent a bit tonight if you do not mind. But I do want to add a "Trigger Warning" to those of you who are reading this. I will be adding these to my blog posts now, whenever I feel they are necessary. PLEASE do not hesitate to ask me to add them to posts that you feel need them. I know how important they are. TRIGGER WARNING: OCD, MPD, DID, Anxiety, Depression and Mental Illness Mental Illnesses.....So drastically misunderstood by so many that it baffles your very soul to see others laugh in the face of other peoples' suffering. To watch in full willingness to the pain and frustration of someone close to you, and either do nothing to help or do the exact opposite, unknowingly endangering that person's wellbeing or state of mind. I see it every day, to be rather honest with you. It saddens me greatly. Not only because it is being done to others that I care about, or even strangers that I do not fully know, but also because I too suffer from both the ignorance of others and Mental Illness. By now the fact of my Multiple Personality Disorder are rather clear. It is the reasons behind most of my blog posts. But other illnesses also play an important role in my daily life, along with the daily life of my 'siblings' or 'headmates'. My host and dear brother holds record, so it seems, for to most 'labels' that I can even imagine. Including but not limited to OCD, MPD (obviously), social anxiety, emotional anxiety, depression, claustrophobia, Bipolar disorder, and more. I myself can only self diagnose considering my situation, being that some doctors may not even see me as a factual person but rather an imaginary manifestation of the mind. From what I have found of myself and what I have researched (I assure you, I am not a WebMD sort of man.) I can say with honest conviction that I do suffer from OCD, light situational Depression, Claustrophobia and perhaps anxiety. I say perhaps because it may just be situation demanding. Situation being high mentally tasking situations such as large crowds, lots of talking--things that would prompt a large sensory overload. Again, this is only self diagnosis. But the sheer ignorance that people show who are not afflicted by such disorder is beyond....upsetting to say the least. The other day while I were on duty at work, I stopped the vehicle and saw two young girls mocking and laughing at a young man who was busy fixing his shirt. Apparently he had somehow missed a button on his shirt and the whole thing were crooked. Some people would just chuckle and correct it with a shrug of their shoulders, being no more daunting a task that retying your shoe. But to him, this was a drastic catastrophe that needed correcting immediately. The fact that his shirt were uneven and incorrect drove him to such a measure that he whipped off his shirt right there in the 23F winter weather, shivering and embarrassed, fixing his buttons as if it would save his very life. And they laughed.....They giggled and patted his shoulder and told him he was silly. He was obsessed. That he needed to "chill out" that it was "just a shirt". You see these types of situations everywhere. Not too long ago, during the summer shift changes, Ren were working at the bar instead of on patrol. He rather enjoys this switch, as the constant interaction of people helps him to overcome his social anxiety--but with the very important detail of having a very wide counter-top between him and the customers. This very important but seemingly silly detail makes the whole situation tolerable for him. Something about having that mandatory, unavoidable space between him and another person is the only reason that he can stand it at all. His coworkers chuckled and said he would be fine without the counter, not really fully understanding the need for such things. Of course, you cannot blame them or be angry either. Those who do not experience war, cannot understand the terror of a gunshot. As another example, you have the situation of repeated notions. Tourettes Syndrome. People usually associate the condition of Tourettes with swearing uncontrollably, but do not realize that these 'ticks' can be a very vast variety of symptoms. It may be constant sneezing, twitches, blinking constantly, lip biting, giggling at bad times---all these things can be symptoms of Tourettes. Ren also suffers from Tourettes Syndrome through the tick of 'cheek chewing'. He continuously chews on the insides of his cheeks, creating what can only be described as 'reversed Joker Scars'. It is subconscious and, at most times, unavoidable. The best solution we've been given thus far is 'chewing gum' to chew on instead of the cheeks. Of course, it comes with the downside of damage to your teeth and developing cavities. But with the alternative to possible mouth cancer from the damages to your cheeks---I suppose that is the best choice. But it amazes me how many people have told him "just stop doing it". Ha! If only it were that simple. "Just stop doing it" Its a phrase that people like us hear often. "People have it so much more worse than you do. Just cheer up". That is as effective as cutting off your pinkie and saying "Other people have done something worse. Just stop hurting already." Society has planted this idea in our minds that others have it so much worse, so much more drastic and emergent that we are forced to assume that it's really not that bad. That the person who is 'complaining' about their situation can simply 'suck it up' and move on. You do not realize how much courage it took for them to admit their pain, only to be told that their agony is invalid and unworthy of mentioning or sympathy. Perhaps they dont even want your sympathy but rather your understanding and perhaps some encouragement to endure and prosper. So many many times I have heard "so much more worse than". When Ren admitted to someone that he was struggling with cutting himself and that although the wounds were not deep, it hurt and it was addictive. The response he received? "I know someone who did it a lot worse than you. They needed stitches." Oh, I apologize...I did not realize that pain and suffering were also a competition. Pardon me while I try to outdo the damage done.... I'm not sure exactly where I am going with this blog aside from just a bit of venting. To get these thoughts off my chest and onto the screen. Perhaps to share my insight on how I feel about these situations and..perhaps even put the thoughts that others are having as well. Afterall, it can be very relieving and gratifying to know that your thoughts are also the thoughts of others. In my own situation --that actually prompted this blog---is my OCD. This is a post that I wrote upon my facebook wall. "Over Compulsive Disorder. OCD can be very difficult to live with at times. Yes, I will organize the simplest of things. No, you will not find a mixmatched storage chest in my Minecraft game. Yes, I count every single block of that house I built to ensure it is all even. No, you will not find a window that does not match the opposing wall. Or a door that is not centered. And yes, I will destroy the entire set if it is uneven. No, it is not funny. We cannot help these things....But sometimes it takes just a push from others to make it much worse. You may reorganize my things just for the fun of it, and I may smile and laugh when you shake your head at my desperation to rearrange them. You may think me crazy because I NEED things just so, or that I'm just obsessed with keeping things in a pattern. You may shrug and see it as no big deal if I realize that the pattern of the design in which I am coloring is not even, but it drives me mad. I can spend hours working on a mandala, setting the colors just so---and realize that though I've been doing one color every other flower and realize...there arent enough and I lost count--I would rather tear that paper and start anew than shrug it off. I cannot look at it. I cannot 'ignore' it. This is what OCD is. It is not funny. It is not something to giggle at. It may be funny to watch me scurry about and rearrange my things the way I need them to be, but to me, it is agonizing. My brain CAN NOT settle or relax until it is fixed. It will pester my mind all day, whisking away any sense of focus or settlement until I know that it has been corrected. It baffles me how amusing OCD is to people who do not suffer from it.Please, if you know someone suffering from OCD--even if you dont understand it---do not torment them. Do not move their things. Do not rearrange their items because it is amusing to YOU to watch them fix it. They may laugh, they may smile and giggle at how foolish they look---but it is only because they are embarassed. We know it is not normal. Thank you for reminding us of how weird we look or act. Certainly that will correct everything, yes?Please, be considerate.Just because OCD is an invisable disease...it does not mean we do not suffer." I suppose I will end here, now that I have vented a bit. I seem to have gotten all, or most, of my thoughts down thus far. I suppose the moral of this post is.....be kind. You may not see what they are suffering from, and you may not understand why or how they feel the way they do. But that does not give you a right to judge them by their faults. Help if you can. Be sympathetic or sensative to their situations, not amused or disgusted.Believe me, if they could help it...the situation wouldnt even arise. -Alexandru Sidenote: I have finished more mandalas and I will post them in an upcoming blog post. (Along with the colorings of the others)

EmmaSweet suggested I start a blog, and I think she has a point. And never ask people for advice if you're not willing to try it! So here I am, sorting out a lot of changes in my life. So today, it's time to tackle a joint issue we both share. Hoarding. We're not going to show up on a tv show or anything, it's not the dramatically bad. However, it runs in my family on both sides. My mother is a hoarder, and getting worse as she ages. And my father's mother was nearly tv show ready except that she managed to keep it mostly out of the living room and kitchen areas. But every other room in the house was filled with stuff. And I mean filled, there was a tiny aisle to walk through. And you literally risked your life going into the attic, those piles were not stable. So I noticed while I was going through my closet looking for things that were worth sharing (a lot of my clothes needed to be thrown out, holes/stains, but there were a lot of good pieces Nikki actually liked), my eyes fell on the shelving in the back. FIlled with boxes. That some of them I think I packed to move in with Nikki when I spent the first year in EXTREMELY TINY TOWN and we accidentally ended up living next to the KKK dudes, which was a problem since our son is biracial black/white. Yeah, that was fun. Nikki agreed to take us back to the larger town I had been living in for offspring's safety even though he was scared to leave the familiar small town he did it for us, and I think really enjoyed it. I"m sorry, I ramble a lot. The add makes my brain go from topic to topic. So I've seen that hoarding is not a sudden behavior, but a long slow buildup just like the junk. So it's time to deal with this boxes, determine if things in there that I haven't thought about wanting for fifteen or so years are really worth keeping, and if they are but not worth dispaying, then into rubbermaid totes and the basement. There is a practical side to living with Nikki's newly open reality, he literally has two wardrobes. It's a really good thing he's into sharing! I think I have half a wardrobe that currently fits/functions. But he has a LOT of clothing. Including eleventy billion tshirts from his job, they LOVE to tshirt people, it's actually kinda creepy how many tshirts come home from work with him. I threatened to make them into a flag once and hang it from the roof. So after work, we are tackling the closet. Together. So it doesn't eat anyone. Although I"ll probably be the one in the bowels of it on the basis that i"m shorter and it's a slanted closet. For once my height works in my favor! But he'll have to scrunch for heavy stuff. After getting my abdominal hernia fixed when I incarcerated it last summer (man, I scared my poor Nikki, they were talking about me dying if i didn't get that fixed right away) I either pulled it partically back open or ripped a new one just above it. It's more practical to lose weight and then get it fixed at this point, so heavy lifting is out. It's why we have a rowing machine, it's the only thing that is both strength/cardio that will help me lose weight at all, every other machine is one or the other. But most importantly, after Nikki put in a serious research binge, it's safe for me to use with my hernia issue. It won't encourage another incarceration event (where I basically caught six - eight inches of intestine, but luckily felt sick and Nikki got me help so fast I didn't actually injure my inner bits) or force it to tear open more. I feel loved, he put so much effort into finding me something that will work and is safe. I repeat that to myself as I row and fight my inherently lazy nature wondering why I'm torturing my body voluntarily. Today's Good mindset: Nikki and I can do anything working together. We're strong and we will weather whatever happens to us, internally and externally. Today's Stupid Fear: I'm intruding on Nikki's private world and don't belong, even though he says it feels supportive and connective to him that I am so involved. And the squirrel staring at me through the window wants to eat me.