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Thank you all for the support and kindness. I was terrified that being that open about the darker side of what is going on inside me right now would overshadow the lighter side. Both make me up. I am struggling and at the same time I am completely committed to making this work as best I can for Nikki and for myself. I have a lot of fear, and I have a lot of strength. I think in a lot of ways I have entered a completely new relationship. Nikki IS different already. There is no hiding or presentation of behaviors for my benefit, and things have changed for me significantly. But these changes have not been unwelcome either. I'm just very aware that there are places I can't follow in this, and that is terrifying to me that I might let Nikki down and break his heart as we go forward. But It might never happen either, and I'll always be able to live up to everything he wants from me like I am right now. I don't get a crystal ball here. Karen, we did not spend a lot, as Nikki talked about the weight. And I wanted to be sure that this is going to remain a permanent thing vs. the cyclical things it's been before spending big money. Just like I wait to make sure each stage of my weight loss isn't a temporary flux before I drop a couple hundred on new clothes or whatever else I need. We talked it over and once he's been through therapy and sorted out what he needs emotionally and physically, then we'll invest in more permanent things. For the love of god without the creepy plasticy edges. FOr the record, the plastic is bothering me just as much on the chicken cutlet thing he's got me wearing (and he's right, I do actually FIT into a single bra now instead of choosing which side of me fits). He might have caught me trying to steal a silicon real feel marital aid to stuff in my bra today. Thank you so much Bluemoon. I"m trying to be as open and me as I can be in written format so as to not only support him, but also because I really really like the people I have met here and want to forge real and lasting freindships. Your voices are wonderful, and I enjoy getting to experience them so much.

bree, that is probably the most real, genuine, insightful, and well expressed writing I’ve read in a long time. I totally understand what you’re saying and you explained it extremely well. in my intersex experience, all the women that I’ve been with accepted the feminine part of my identity and sexuality and were wonderful in making love to me as a woman, some with great desire, genuine involvement, passion, and even a little transformation of their own, and a few more mainly to please me rather than for their own or mutual gratification. my saving grace is that they never have to face or contemplate losing the male part of me and the kind of full-on sexual intercourse that they crave and need. most women that I’ve been with absolutely love that and are willing to play lesbians and even be part-time lesbians, but would never want to give that up. sex is so core, partly primal or animalistic. it has a life of its own. it's like a cat. it chooses us rather than we choosing it. I sense that nikki is a long way from transitioning fully from male to female and not mapping that out, but also understand that you think about everything and are aware of the fluidity and uncertainty of it all. There's also the sting of the deception from before and its continuing effects in wondering what might happen next or later in nikki's world that will affect yours. sex, identity, and gender are powerful, but so is love and bonding and you two are so strong in that.

Karen, As I think you know about me I don't have plans to transition. Yes, that may change and I can't predict that. But for now, that's my plan and provides maybe some context for what I'm going to say here now. My wife has been clear to me that a) she's terribly afraid of losing me, and b. she's not a lesbian. So, I'm pretty certain that if I started transitioning our relationship would disintegrate. My wife's been through a lot in her support of me, thank goodness, but I think transitioning just wouldn't work for her. I have some feelings about this too of course. I'd certainly prefer it if my wife was able to express her support the way Bree does for Nicki. I'd then feel a bit more freer to just be myself and that would take some pressure and uncertainty off of my shoulders. And yes, I've always felt that if I was a woman I'd be a lesbian! Thanks for brining up this interesting topic, Emma

emma, I'm so sorry that your wife doesn't join you in your exploration and transformation with the energy and enthusiasm that bree does with nikki. of course, she's a rare and special creature to be that involved and excited about it. it's clear that stems not only from her devotion to him, but her being bisexual and more open or fluid than most about these things and in her overall persona. you show a lot of maturity and wisdom in knowing your limitations with your wife and willingness to sustain a compromise that works to keep your relationship and love intact and alive, without necessarily pursuing your ultimate fantasies. having that lasting love relationship is so valuable and more than many, perhaps most people have, trans or otherwise. you also seem to give yourself the acceptance and freedom to be who you are inside, which is what counts the most. i hope also being yourself here and being here for all of us adds to the richness of your life and satisfaction as a wonderful trans spirit.

Me too. That was insane. And we it wasn't like there was much choice or time to shop around for a better price! "I do this operation or she dies a horrible starvation death if she doesn't burst the intestine and die from septicemia first" I remember that part, that was scary enough that it cut through the drug haze.

​I can hardly blame you for that. Plus I'm still suffering sticker shock from the pricing on that.

I sowwy. I exploded.

With all our bills right now unfortunately electrolysis will be a long way off if ever.

​Not to derail this, but I wanted to share the forms I got. I ended up getting the Motowatar forms and got them for the sale price of $65, which I felt was a really good deal. I didn't want to spend a lot on them because I am trying to lose a significant amount of weight and would want to invest in another pair that's better sized for wherever I'm at that point.

There are no substitutes for a smooth face like electrolysis for the face. Been there, tried a bunch then did electrolysis 15 years ago and so happy since then.

Briannah, thanks for your response and candor. My main objective for my entry was to get members here thinking past HRT and dressing to GRS as I know many don't and this is more so for cisgender not gay or lesbians who have a higher rate of keeping a marriage in tack. The thing about "I am still the same person...", I used that term for interacting with people when i announced the hard date for my surgeries and not for relationships as this is new territory as I never dated a man, always females so I can't be the same person in relationships with a lover. You mentioned the breast forms were not what was expected, hopefully they did not cost a lot. Before my breast augmentation I purchased mine from "The Breast Store" and purchased these forms. When I purchased the forms my requirements had nothing to do with how they felt to the touch but instead how they felt moving throughout the day. I tried many breast forms through the years (over thirty years) and these by far were the best.