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HEhe...Bree and her ulterior motives! Hair be gone! Seriously, I hate Sweetest Day. First of all, ti's in the cold weather again. If we need big cultural romance holidays, can't we do them in the summer when there are so many romantic choices to do? Snorkeling, caving, picnicing, lounging in the pool or poolside, camping, grilling out under the stars, whatever. And when I first moved here I literally thought it was Swedish Day so I made Swedish Meatballs since everyone was asking me what I was going to do for my boyfriend at the time and I really didn't understand why I was expected to participate since Swedish was not part of my cultural or genetic makeup and I know very little about Sweden other than it's pretty in the pictures. And everyone laughed so hard at me. Grr. You're fabulous about making sure I can completely ignore that stupid fake holiday and I"m grateful for it. And um...let's be real, I had the ultimate Valentine's day that will be THE memory for that holiday for my entire life, what more can you really do for me?

Thank you so much both of you! It's so confusing in some ways, and being attention deficit disorder, confusion is a strange thing for me. I have trouble with it. IN one sense I'm always slightly confused because I think differently in day to day decisions than people without the disorder and that ignites the stress component, similar I think to something trangender people feel when they realize they are out of step with themselves. Mine is external, but disorienting to me. My values aren't touched, but that creates a weird thing with me that big things are easier to handle in general and trying to decide what i want to eat for lunch is nearly a paralyzing issue that I face every day with Nikki as I'm an unfortunately picky eater who failed to overcome that and he just wants me to tell him what I want to eat and I can't. But conversely, I have spend so much of my life trying to avoid external confusion that it's hard to sort through so much of this and really understand as much as I'd like to and have to let time take it's course. Now the little paralytic decisions that i usually try to ignore to not make myself nuts have to be looked over and sorted out. And realizing I can't ask him to figure out and control his depression and learn to understand his disphoria and how ti's going to affect our lives if I'm not dealing with my dismophia and how it's affecting our lives, so I'm trying to work through both identifying his new (to me) needs and who he is and how to meet them, and also what mine really are under the dismorphia and what i need from him and how to balance the two disorders so that everyone is getting healthier. I truly believe I make this as much more complicated as i make it easier for him. LOL Steph, I think you are giving me WAY more credit than i deserve. I've been somewhat helpful to him in the arenas I'm good at, hair care, skin care(oh, I can never moan about my stupid skin's ability to flip out on me without warning enough), female hair removal for consideration(I'm SUPER excited, I've had him try a variety of things and last night's attempt he really seemed to like, GO VENUS RAZORS! I got it right!), emotional care, but I'm crap with dressing. In fact, I sorta turned mine over to NIkki. *hangs head in shame* I suck that bad at it. One of our conversations was prompted by my reading through forums and running into a 'I hate when cis girls waste having what I want so bad' threads, that sent me into a tailspin of omg I'm totally not the right kind of female for Nikki and he resents me and whatever that 'trying' is people say I"m not doing must be a real thing and he had to calm me down from that. I'm one of those quit shaving years ago no makeup I just wanna be comfy types of girls, I fess up. Shopping pokes my dismorphia hard, and the minute I open up a store online or walk into one I immediately just want to get the bare minimum I need because my brain tells me nothing I do will make me look appealing and just grab and get out of here RIGHT NOW. I'm working hard on that, and asking Nikki to take over and shop with me both so that I can 'shadow' for him (I hate that beard term!) and so he can guide me and give objective appearance improvement. Since I have no self-judgement in this arena, turning to Nikki and actually wearing the 'look at me' clothes he likes instead of trying to be invisible is a huge break through for me. I do rock a wicked understanding of tights thought apparently. And I'm pushing past my natural comfort zones, I will NEVER ask Nikki to face his and not do the same for him. Now this rower better do something about the awkward shape of my thighs as I slowly shrink so I can wear thigh highs like his, he expressed a desire to see that. I have a really weird body shape that nothing clothing wise works exactly like it's supposed to, and it's garter belts or thigh highs around my ankles and I fall on my face for me. They stay on him! He has better legs.

Depends on what your area does to you for spring. We get blizzards in April and occasionally May becuase Ohio is a bizarre state.

bree, it was a little hard for me to follow the details... I'm easily confused... but think I understood the main points and am thrilled that you made close contact with a friend going through a difficult time with her partner, even though a different kind, and that you had so much to share and help each other with through your understanding, support, and friendship. I also understand about the twix bar (v day always a good excuse for the forbidden fruit) and wishing to be a turtle, but I always wanted to be a cat and prefer chocolate, but as a cat I guess it would be catnip or tall grass or roast beef.

That dress looks amazing on you! I am completely blown away by how pretty. *Hugs* I love the black tights going with it too.

Yeah, I'm trying to learn to express my thoughts without losing people while respecting Nikki's need for privacy in this. I'm SO not good at cloak and dagger, if I got sucked into one of those dumb movies where I had to do spy stuff to save the world for no apparent reason, ya'll would need to make peace with whatever you feelings on the afterlife or end of existence and at least hope I messed it all up fast cuz there won't be a nifty deus ex machina last minute fix my poor skills magic movie moment! M is closer to me, and L is closer to Nikki, but both are friends to us both. Just personalities fit better to one or the other. It's actually a part of a bigger group of about 20 people, but Nikki gave me a list of five that he's comfortable knowing, so it's J, M, L, N, and C in my lexicon. which is going to mess ME up becuase C's nickname I use starts with an N. LOL Now we're lounging eating V-day Candy. Nikki gave me a Twix bar. I love Twix bars.

Wow, Jay, I certainly know share the burying myself in stuff (work, books, bicycling, anything) to get away from it all, distract myself. It's like running and running, and it gets exhausting, doesn't it? But I do get stuff done. I think you're to be admired and thanked for your writing for your company's LGBT website. It's folks like you who gradually bring us all out that much further into the open, out of the darkness. I also share what you say about writer's block. Some years back I tried my hand at writing fiction. Took classes which I enjoyed and did well at, or at least well enough to get A's although that doesn't mean much in the real world, does it? But when I tried to start something independent I simply could not avoid my thoughts and dreams about being part of the community of women... And this was long before I came out to my wife, my therapist, or pretty much even myself. Goodness, that was tough. I agree with you that, regardless, keep writing. It'll break through. These days I work back in marketing at a technology company, I still have to write, but marketing collateral and things like that. I've found that when I stare at the screen I often get blocked. It's as if by using the keyboard whatever I write must be perfect, spelling, grammar, and thought. To break through that I try to write it on paper. Then it's as if I have license to screw up, cross out, move things around, and just allow my stream of consciousness to break free. You might try that! Hugs, Emma

That's so wonderful you found a dress that sounds perfect for you.

Emma, Beautiful! You cast a striking silhouette. I am so happy for you! --Lisa