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Last week I came home, get out of my car and my neighbor is with her sister. The sister lived here about five years ago and lived right next door to me while i prior to my transformation. So I chat with my neighbor and her sister doesn't say anything to me so I believe she does not approve of my transformation. Today my neighbor informs me that her sister had no clue who I was and had asked her "what happen to Kevin", she replied "Karen was Kevin", her jaw dropped and responded with "I would had never guessed they were the same person". Then my neighbor told me about a year ago her husband and her were coming home, he says (pointing to me walking down the street) she is hot, she slaps him and says "do you know who that is?" before he could reply she explained things. She said that is why he had stopped saying good morning to me, he was embarrassed that he thought I was someone else. I told her he should not feel that way and next thing you know he started to say good morning again. I find this all interesting that these things happen until I look at my old pictures from two years ago and my present appearance. One thing I always keep in mind is that one must first have some foundation in body and face for this to happen else facial surgery is required. I always can nit-pick myself thinking if I had this or that surgery I would look better but that time has gone, thirty years ago yes I would had some some of these surgeries but at just under 60 years old heck no. Nail Salon today So I went to get my nails filled, I got there 15 minutes early, said to one of the ladies, I need to use the restroom first. When I come out another worker said, "Karen, thought you were going in the back to get waxed" I said, the hairs on my leg don't grow anymore. A customer, guessing well over sixty say "same here", another lady asked if I had been through menopause, you don't look that old. Okay, quick thinking here, do I tell her about my past? Nope but when I blurt out my age out comes 50 then I stuttered...59. I am so use to telling new people I meet that I am 50 as when I tell them almost 60 we get into a conversation that I don't care to be in, Anyways what woman in her right mind tells her real age at my age? So I use to get shellac which was $30, went to acrylic where the first time was $65 then $30. Today I was kind of shocked when the worker said twenty dollars for today, nice way to end the day Acrylic is a great way to have french nails done and they are so much stronger then shellac. In the past two months I have not had any issues with acrylic while I did break a few nails with shellac.

Last Thursday I saw my therapist. I was pretty distraught, with a shaming weight crushing my chest because I so often feel so anxious for approval, affirmation, and when it's delayed or I don't receive it, I go to my dark place where I'd just as soon fold up my tent. It's a cycle that's been with me forever and I'm very ashamed by it. Sure, maybe that seems silly to you dear reader, but I get so defensive and I feel so needy. It feels like feelings I simply should not have and since I do so intensely I'm ashamed. After all in my professional life people don't act like that, do they? No way, Jose. It's like I'm often on edge, hyper-aware of how people feel about me and I worry that that comes across too. Goodness, what a mess. Toward the end of the meeting he said something like, "Well, be sure to listen to Emma. She's a huge part of you and she has a perspective that may help you." I took that to heart and spent the last couple of days wondering what Emma would say. And I felt like such a fraud! I'm always ready with some sort of encouragement or thoughts but when it comes to me they all sound so inane and useless. Sure, I hope it does help those I send messages to, I really do. But when I'm sending them to myself? I can't even think of what Emma might say that would be useful. I kept thinking that I'd put up a blog post with something like, "What should Emma say to herself?" But that sounded so wimpy. So I took a bike ride today. It was almost 80 degrees here (can you believe it?) and I went out for a couple of hours, but beforehand decided I would think about this further. I must say that riding the bike is a great place to just think. Yeah sure, while peddling like a madwoman. I don't remember what prompted this but it occurred to me that I'm always wanting the fast answer. I want the problem to be diagnosed, implement the solution, and have it done and behind me. I recalled that last couple of years since coming out to myself and then my wife. Jeez, a couple of years? Yeah, but that's not so bad. Better to have taken a couple of years and be where I am than not, right? So it dawned on me: "Come on, honey, give yourself some time." <big sigh> And she's right, I think. We've all heard that life's a journey and all that but I think it really is. There is some truth to that. Go have a cup of tea, put your feet up, enjoy your new top. (It did finally arrive today and it is pretty cute with the leggings I found yesterday at Costco.) So that's my game plan for this week. I'm trying to slow down. Way down. Be patient. Good things come to those who wait. We'll see, my friends. (You do still like me, right? I am still loving your affirmations. ) Have a nice week, Emma

when you're browsing transgender oriented stores for your mate and suddenly are considering things for yourself too. Is this something like what Nikki feels shopping on the woman's websites? That this stuff is nice, I'm not the intended clientele, but dangit I want to wear some of this. Then I trip over my own social paranoia like I'm not supposed to take these items and wear them, they're not meant for me, and then I realize wow, that is a silly feeling if the whole idea of embracing this new adventure we're on is that it doesn't matter who the clothes were meant for, only how the person who wears them feels. Nikki is on an unholy quest to find me things he wants to see me in, after I (somewhat more timidly than I like to admit, behave dismorphia, embrace that Nikki finds me pretty and dress up for him) asked him if maybe the answer for my really awkward body shape and weight distribution might be found in these stores. It never even occured to me before this to look. I didn't close down Nikki's world, and for that he's opening up mine and maybe this won't help at all, but the possibility and looking at things is fun and good bonding with Nikki. He's also threatening to take up sewing and waved an unholy amount of scratchy-type lace at me that will make my skin go crazy...I think it's supposed to be motivation to work hard on finding better clothing with him. It also made me realize the last thing I ever sewed was my first wedding dress (made my own!) and how long ago that was. Talk about skill atrophy.

This is a real first for me, taking my photo and posting it here or anywhere! I'm really enjoying this new dress that I just received last week. Sitting here typing up this blog entry just feels right, you know? The whole thing feels so right, I just want to get up, go out to my car, and walk around downtown. Maybe have a coffee and a croissant. Or a lady finger. Hahaha! The slope is a little slippery right now. I keep finding myself shopping (on line) for more, admiring styles, looks, and almost ordering. I hold myself back since, after all, I must soon remove all this and prepare for my lovely wife's return from her day. Which is bittersweet, isn't it? That I have to remove my dress at all, that I cannot just be myself - whatever that is. Seems like there oughta be a law, don't it? I am very grateful that I can even do this. So many cannot, because of their inhibitions, personal situations, and yes, finances. Deep down I am a very grateful girl. I hope you like my photo and I hope, like me, you're getting ready for a wonderful 2016. Hugs, Emma

So last night was interesting and fun. I do admit I have certain kinks and my wife knows about them, but last night we decided to incorporate a number of them together for some Valentine’s Day fun after going out to see a movie and hanging out chit chatting through the evening. It was kind of an amazing thing and I loved that we were both able to connect over them in a way that we both got a lot out of it. This isn’t necessarily something she and I have ever approached before and most of that is definitely on me. Still though, connecting with Bree like this made for an amazing evening of fun that we both got a lot out of and I got to explore a kink with her that had previously more been just mine and it worked for both of us. I may have gotten home and spent the evening in boy mode, but I definitely finished the night in girl mode and it was amazing. It’s been kind of liberating to really explore all of this with her and talk to her about it, and while I’m not going to say it’s cured my depression it most definitely has made me a lot happier in general which is always a good things. Bree and I are working on our language between each other so we can better alert each other to moods and so she knows when I need to be in which mode. I kind of surprised her yesterday when I got home from work and just stayed in boy mode all day. She figured with the holiday it’d be a trigger, but Valentine’s Day is one she and I always have shared together but not necessarily made a big fuss about as our birthdays and our anniversary kind of bookend it so it never really stood out. That and it being a Hallmark amped up holiday like Sweetest Day (It’s a big thing in Ohio but neither of us had heard about it from where we used to live and thought it was kind of ridiculous so we avoid that one too) makes it a little less special. We might make a date night out of it, but we don’t go insanely overboard either.On her recommendation I’m trying a new razor for my face and body hair. It’s a bit awkward to shave my face with but I can’t deny the results as I’m sporting one of the closest shaves this morning than I’ve had in a long while and touched up some of my body hair that was bugging me this morning too. I love her for kind of embracing this part of it and really trying to help me work through it. I realize she wants the hair gone for her own reasons as well, but it’s awesome being in concert with each other’s needs.