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Okay, I did set ONE rule for the sexy time stuff. (and teh same common sense financial ones that i live buy, but that is just even marital treatment). If he is buying something like that for him, he buys something he wants to see on me. (It's sort of an extension we used to have on video games, so no one was unhappy by not getting things they wanted and it was kinda fair, only he won that by default because they stopped making the kinds of games I like en masse). Yes, I'm totally going to ride this train into feeling more appealing to him.

So as some of you know i sort of went on an obsessive research binge to understand transgenderism in general and specific to what is needed to make my marriage successful. Only what isn't showing is that I'm still almost obsessively researching the social aspects of this. And I do mean almost obsessionally. And my friend M asked me why I'm stuck in this, and things gestalted. I have a huge problem in this marriage that has nothing to do with Nikki's transgenderism, but is being triggered by it. Nikki never has my back in a conflict situation. I'm always on my own. I hate conflict every bit as deeply as he does, and i get physically sick from it, and terrified and spirally. Whenever Nikki gets into a conflict situation, I always have his back and am right there as his first line of defense if it's an untrue or misunderstood issue, or give him space to work with this information if Nikki is in the wrong. I've never left him alone on the hook, and he's been clear he never wants me to. And I never really consciously realized it, I couldn't figure out what was wrong in our marriage prior to this coming out, and why the increased closeness and working things out wasn't <b>fixing</b> me in the thought it would. And why I was so hung up on him throwing me under the bus in our talk with L on an issue i"d worked really hard to correct before any of this came out and was making a lot of strides, and when I explained my problem with Nikki saying now, she basically put it on me that i ask for to much. So that amkes sense, whenever I ask something from Nikki, he says no. EVERY single time. And then does it. Now, I have no gauge when no MEANS no. Nikki got angry with me if I accepted no and tried to do it myself or went to do something else if I was asking him to do an activity with me, and he got angry with me if didn't accept no because i literally can't tell anymore. When L asked what other issues were being worked on, and I brought that up, she brought up I ask him to do many things for me and that I was blaming him somehow when I as trying to express that I am literally confused about what NO means based on his behaviors. And I said I don't think that was what was going on but I"d work on it, and he literally said nothing until she asked the next qustion, and I let it go because that's what I always do. But the more I was doing for myself, the less I was feeling in a marriage because I was still on my own when it was hard and not being taken care of in a physical sense to substitute for it. I know, substitution is never a healthy thing in something like this. Nikki has been working really hard on that because h'es realizing I've lost my guage and I don't take it in a flirty way, and has been cosciously stopping that. That helps tremendously with that problem. It took a bit to gestalt, but I'm substituting the emotional feelings of 'he cares' when he does something for me to cover the realization that I'm on my own when things aren't pleasant and happy. And how much I really hate knowing that. When I asked him about not mentioning to L that I had realized that on my own and worked to get it under control, was he misleading me that I had have great success? He replied no, he was just uncomfortable with arguing with her. If he can't say to one of his bets freinds "She's worked really hard on that, it's not part of my thinking it's cute to say no every time she asks for something and confusing her and not hearing that she doesn't find it cute" how can I ever expect him to have my back with my ongoing issues wtih my parents, or in a new social setting like bars and nightclubs while he's dressed? This forum has been beautiful, but some weren't. Some were really clear to me that I"m just collateral damage or baggage, or that I'm now allowed to have needs or am shallow for thinking that bodies matter and if I love/find him sexually attractive as a male I should automatically be able to do so as a female. I can choose to pick a forum where I can connect with people emotionally and learn from that interaction in a positive way. But in a face to face situation I don't really know how to not just want to cry and feel ashamed of being me. And Nikki honestly admitted I would be on my own. I don't know what to DO with all this. He said he'll try to work on it like I have with his new needs, but it's all so confusing. It tangles up in my head with how does someone value you if they are only really there when it's easy or when the difficulty is on their side and they need you? This is a godawful time to come to this realization too. Nikki will be home soon and wants to talk about this and I don't even know how to verbalize any of this. That's why I wrote it down, maybe he'll just agree to read it and then ask me questions so that I can get some sort of internal sense of direction and what I actually WANT to make this better. I don't even know what is realistic and fair to ask for.

Awake stupidly early. Spent much of yesterday sleeping or cuddled up in the blankets next to Nikki who was watching movies after the meltdown. So we're both on this new supposedly low dose blood pressure medication since we're minority's but consistently above the normal range. And my camel status has been officially revoked to a degree that is crazy. So between waking up at four am again or explode all that sleep and I feel really bad is not letting me get back to sleep. And my voice is going under. Which will make my job fun because I answer the phones. Bree has a weird voice to begin with. Add the dead frog effect and even Nikki has to really sort out what I'm saying. Nikki working with me on what can be a marriage breaking issue that I didn't realize I was even carrying around has relieved so much internal unhappy. It's funny how little we really know ourselves sometimes until the right thing makes us see. Froggy Bree is done rambling weirdly now and signing off.

Am I a girl trapped in a man’s body? That was the question that was plaguing me for so long and that I thought I had the answer to, but I was also really struggling with it because my experiences and feelings didn’t fall in line with what I was seeing from other people in the community. I knew I felt like that some days and some days I didn’t at all. And I realized when I got saddled with working hours that didn’t fit with Bree’s and my depression flared up because I didn’t get to be around her much that I was having more bad days where I didn’t feel like myself than good days.After actually working through a lot of this, mainly because I was forced to take a serious look at it, but either way really needed to, the answer to that question started to emerge. Am I a girl trapped in a man’s body? While I have days it feels that way, I am something else. When I’m in boy mode I don’t regret being there one bit. When I want to be in girl mode yes, but once I get there it’s great. I definitely bounce back and forth based on my stress and emotional needs and these past few weeks we’ve managed to incorporate some physical needs as well.Some days I really feel one way or another. Am I ever going to be an alpha male? Hell no. Bree and I have talked about this a few times over the years and I’m definitely not the leader of a pack and am more the beta male. Even in my relationship with Bree, a lot of the time I step back and let her lead the way. There are some things that I lead on and always have but we’d both talked about this in the past. So where does that leave me on this gender roller coaster? Well I’ve been doing the girl/boy mode thing with Bree the past few weeks at home and it feels extremely comfortable with her. I can go with whatever I feel I am that day and she’s completely cool with it. If I’m stressy and need it I can jump into girl mode or if I’m just feeling it the option is there as well. I got off the phone with the intake call for my therapy and immediately needed to swap. It was a bit nerve-wracking to feel that way to be honest as I was completely ok with boy mode just before the call. I told Bree though and swapped over and it was fine. She was cool, I was cool and it calmed me a lot.That’s the other thing, I don’t have to do much to jump in and feel like I’m in girl mode. 90% of the time I just grab the breastforms and a bra and throw them on under my t-shirt and jeans and I’m good to go. If I know we’re not going out that night I might toss on my new pajamas, but I don’t feel the need to really dress up much to get to that comfortable place if I need it, which is great. Most of my more feminine outfits have been reserved for more intimate occasions as Bree is exploring this as much as I am and there is a bit of kink involved with some of this. I really enjoy stockings, tights and thigh highs both on me and my partner. That’s a long standing thing that I don’t think will ever go away and I can blame the Rocketeer for that one.Being so amazingly comfortable with Bree around and me in my different modes along with her far more extensive research (she went at it with a lot less bias then I did) I’m finding I’m much more in the crossdresser/transvestite classification on those psych charts than I’ll ever be in the transgender side of things. I don’t think HRT will ever be for me even though I’d been steered that way before. It’d definitely something to go far more in depth with my councilor about when we get to sit down next month and even then I’m betting it’ll be a few sessions before we really get into it, but I don’t get the feeling that I’m in the wrong body all the time and while I don’t hate my male bits, I do think I need to exercise more and lose some weight, but other than that and the body and facial hair I’ve always loathed, I’ve been pretty happy all around, especially with Bree backing me up. She’s been amazing and I’m lucky to have her and I’ve realized that even more since she found out my secret and we started talking. I do feel like this dark cloud has been lifted or at the very least parted and the light of my life is keeping that depression monster at bay and all my coping mechanisms aren’t just coping anymore but are actually damaging that ugly beast. Hopefully with the therapy that will get pushed back even more. I’m not foolish enough to think it’ll ever truly go away, but if I can make it this far I can push it back far enough that it won’t run my life like it had the past few years. Boy mode or girl mode, I just want to be happy with Bree for the rest of our lives.

Last Thursday I saw my therapist. I was pretty distraught, with a shaming weight crushing my chest because I so often feel so anxious for approval, affirmation, and when it's delayed or I don't receive it, I go to my dark place where I'd just as soon fold up my tent. It's a cycle that's been with me forever and I'm very ashamed by it. Sure, maybe that seems silly to you dear reader, but I get so defensive and I feel so needy. It feels like feelings I simply should not have and since I do so intensely I'm ashamed. After all in my professional life people don't act like that, do they? No way, Jose. It's like I'm often on edge, hyper-aware of how people feel about me and I worry that that comes across too. Goodness, what a mess. Toward the end of the meeting he said something like, "Well, be sure to listen to Emma. She's a huge part of you and she has a perspective that may help you." I took that to heart and spent the last couple of days wondering what Emma would say. And I felt like such a fraud! I'm always ready with some sort of encouragement or thoughts but when it comes to me they all sound so inane and useless. Sure, I hope it does help those I send messages to, I really do. But when I'm sending them to myself? I can't even think of what Emma might say that would be useful. I kept thinking that I'd put up a blog post with something like, "What should Emma say to herself?" But that sounded so wimpy. So I took a bike ride today. It was almost 80 degrees here (can you believe it?) and I went out for a couple of hours, but beforehand decided I would think about this further. I must say that riding the bike is a great place to just think. Yeah sure, while peddling like a madwoman. I don't remember what prompted this but it occurred to me that I'm always wanting the fast answer. I want the problem to be diagnosed, implement the solution, and have it done and behind me. I recalled that last couple of years since coming out to myself and then my wife. Jeez, a couple of years? Yeah, but that's not so bad. Better to have taken a couple of years and be where I am than not, right? So it dawned on me: "Come on, honey, give yourself some time." <big sigh> And she's right, I think. We've all heard that life's a journey and all that but I think it really is. There is some truth to that. Go have a cup of tea, put your feet up, enjoy your new top. (It did finally arrive today and it is pretty cute with the leggings I found yesterday at Costco.) So that's my game plan for this week. I'm trying to slow down. Way down. Be patient. Good things come to those who wait. We'll see, my friends. (You do still like me, right? I am still loving your affirmations. ) Have a nice week, Emma