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Hmmm, there is an initial huge attraction to the girly side of femininity when first transitioning, at least that what I found, look at it like a small girl wanting to be grown up. It's a phase that I passed through, and as you actually do grow up as a new female you do begin to see the other myriad aspects of femininity, a lot of which is quite everyday humdrum, the desire to be ultra girly all the time subsides, and surfaces at times which is useful for special occasions. I well remember people talking to me in my early stages of transition about all of this, and yes I had a blank stare too! Long term don't worry. I'm still married to a beautiful cis woman, the same one that I married when I was male. We get along fine and still love each other. Cheers, Eve

Bree, I think this is a terrific post and brings up some great points. At the real risk of offending Nikki or maybe others, I believe that a focus on the superficial aspects of ones trans gender is an early stage of the exploration and consideration of what it all means for the individual, and I think that is perfectly natural. Your reaction is perfectly normal too. Like an Austrlian woman I know, she referred to her boobs as her "floppy bits" as if they have little importance to her. But for me, seeing women and conceiving myself as having the body of a woman, breasts, and curves, and hair, and yes, clothing, are all very important visual cues of femininity. Maybe it would help to consider transmen. At times they "pack" meaning that they wear a rubber phalus in their underwear so as to show (and feel, I imagine) a bulge down there in their pants. Okay, but for me, I don't even think of the darned thing. Like you, it came with the package and I don't even think about it. Good for you for writing your thoughts. I imagine that that felt a little risky. Hugs, Emma

Many relationships where one is transgender or cross-dresser that person in many cases does become self-centered until the spouse calls them out on it which at this point focus needs change from self-centered to being there for each other.

I'm happy to provide anything I can, but can't now as I have to go to work! I'll write later for sure. I do empathize with your situation and feelings, Bree, I want you to know that.

I'm not entirely sure it's all option A, but more of a variation on that. There's a lot there where when I dress as a woman it's more me dressing and presenting in how I want to look like and how I'd like to represent myself as a woman, not necessarily what I think a woman should look like, but what I should look like as a woman. Yes there's a lot with the physicality of it all right now, but I think I also haven't been really able to explore that at all. I know I'm terrible at really communicating these thoughts of mine and I'm working on it. It's not something I've really had to do externally and I've never been very good at the whole sharing thing and that's all on me. I know you and I kind of touched on this in conversations outside of here and they weren't exactly the most enlightening either way, but I kind of had that little epiphany when I started writing a reply here. I guess I'm working on all of this in stages. Since you and I talked and decided that HRT and full on transition is out and I'm going to limit this to dressing and being with you in either mode and as I need it to help, I guess I kind of concentrated on the dressing end of things and ways to make me look more like a girl when I'm in girl mode. I do need to work on expressing myself better and opening up to you more, but I kind of jumped on the dressing and looking the part first. As you like to say, I tend to focus on fixing things rather than going over it all. I absolutely want to get more of my feelings and thoughts out and I think those moments we've had when we've gone out and the lunch date we're going to today are going to be a huge part of that. I have huge butterflies about all of this right now and I'm not backing out but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I have some trepidation about going out to lunch with you in girl mode. I do want to thank everyone for continuing to talk to me and Bree on this and share your experiences, thoughts and support. It means an awful lot to the both of us.

That felt a lot risky, but I need to articulate things as we go, both for myself to sort them out now, and the spouse that come after. My worldview has broken in very real ways, and I feel like I'm scrambling around trying to fix it. Seventeen years of having to alter my expectations because Nikki is SUCH a guy (not in the alpha male sports sorta stereotype, but in the emotional and communication ranges) and suddenly hey Bree, I think I"m actually a woman really skewed my sense of world understanding. And I'm only starting to realize this. Maybe I just don't understand why visual cues are important because I'm not brain-wired that way? I rejected all the visual cues pretty early on, they did nothing for me and I decided putting effort into them was not a valid use of my time because they did nothing for me. My brain is all about analysys, emotion, and intangible connections. What does the visual cues of femininity do you for you if I'm not being intrusive? My understanding was that it makes the inside match the outside as it were, but Nikki's inside is so confusing to me in terms of male or female and my understanding. So maybe learning something here from you can help!

YAY! I'm glad that I help you get through the scary things, and going to that first therapy IS scary. I remember that. I think a lot of therapist set up shop in a house for that very reason, the relaxed homey atmosphere. I loved the lobby, the music was amazing and it was a great place to relax. It's like I get an hour of zen every session you have! And I met some really nice people while they were waiting for their appointments. And that is weirdly an indicator that it's a good place, when the other patients are nice and comfortable and doing well. You asked me to open up what I consider my 'world' as a girl, and managing my hair is one of them. We just have to manage it in entirely separate directions, yours needs thinned out to tame, and mine needs to be encouraged to be more fluffy. Wanna trade?

I love the moose! They're both lovely, but that sweet face on the dane! *falls over from the cuteness* No apologies needed, life is messy! We do the best we can with it, but sharing the hard bits is every bit as important as sharing the fun and easy ones! Keep moving forward, even if it's just an inch right now, and one day you'll realize you went way further than you ever thought you could.