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Hi there everyone Its not about being optimistic or pessimistic, it about the way my smile and looks are putting me in hot water at times. I've come to realize that some of my male friends are now also hitting on me, because I've got a perky happy face 90% of the time if not more. Now they are becoming like horny dogs after my ass too. Is this a culmination of my smile, facial expression, ass and boobs or just men being like a pack of horny dogs in heat season??? With the unknown factor, the unknown men... That will offer me gifts at an intersection I had to stop. Start talking to me and saying how much they love me, while just seeing me walking down the street and smiling at them. Should my smile or body freak me out, because I'm not opening myself up to all these horny bugger's. Or should I embrace the power it gives over men and women in the open field of life. I've decided that flirtation with a beautiful soul, okay sometimes a gorgeous hunk is all that I need to continue with my perfect smile.but therein lies the fault, not all hunks have beautiful souls. So do I smile and get all the beauty that comes with it, or do I think of all horny screwed up persons that bring along flustered situations??? Now let me say this, I won't give up smiling and letting my soul trickle through for everyone to see, buy I'm also not incapable of switching to my dragon face that bites off unwanted attention in a flash. Remember, be safe out there. Walk in pairs and tell a friend where you are gong if you are going alone. Oh and I should learn to practice what I preach. Hugs Michele

Sometimes I just don't feel appropriate emotions to what is happening. My best freind's husband is on suicide watch, and I really care for her, but not so much for him anymore. He doesn't listen to the doctors. He treats her like crap. He makes no effort to get better, and spends a lot of time telling me how awful a wife she is, bragging about the time he had an affair, and other things that I honestly would have divorced the dude over, but she just sighs and says that's how he is. She deserves so much better, but nothing I can do about it. I really don't want her to be in pain, and I don't wish ill on anymore, but I just can't muster it within to really CARE beyond about her needs, ya know?

The first time I realized that being a girl was different than the boys was when I was in fourth grade. If I remember right, that made me around 10? 11? Growing up, I had a big group of mixed friends. I liked the games, toys, and kids in both sides of the fence pretty equally, and never really thought much about any differences other than for whatever reason the other girls and I weren't allowed to run around topless in the summer like the boys, even though we all looked the same there, and I knew the differences on the bottom, we all shared. Kids get curious, and they have seen the other options in most cases. Then fourth grade hit, and the music teacher came in for glee club recruitment. We had a choice of glee club or study hall in the classroom with a teacher. I hated music class most days. Because I hate singing. I really really hate to sing. I have a really unpleasant singing voice (and really odd speaking one) and always have. My throat hurts when I sing. I really dislike it. So of course, I didn't raise my hand. I was the ONLY girl (apparently in the history of that school, not just in my class) to not raise her hand, and about 7 of the boys also didn't. I got taken out to the hallway by my teacher, and he tried to strongarm me into joining. I refused. The music teacher joined him, I still refused. I got sent to the freakin' principal's office, with all three adults pressuring me to join, and threatening to call my parents. It was early in the year, so safe to say, I WAS TEN YEARS OLD. I caved. I wish, going back, I could tell myself not to, it did set a pattern of caving to things like this, and that was hard to break later, but I was ten and frightened by the pressuring adults. I wish I could whisper in that little girl's ear "Remind them they taught you that everyone is free to make choices and pursue happiness, and you are free to not sing!" But I can't, and I joined the glee club. I lip synched, even though I didn't know what it was called then. I was bored outta my mind and miserable, always in trouble for moving around to amuse myself. But most of all I hated being there every minute. Just being there reminded me I had no power over even small things in my life. But there was one thing I realized that day aside from the fact that it was apparently critically important that I stand on that stage and do next to nothing. And it was that not ONE of boys even got asked a second time if they were sure. Not one. And that really upset me, and it scared me, and I didn't know why. I didn't know why the boys weren't put through that, and I knew it was unfair, but I didn't know why it SCARED me that that they weren't. It wouldn't be until fifth grade, when the music teacher was annoyed that we weren't getting something right in practice and she yelled at us "Anyone who doesn't want to be here you know where the door is!" and I bolted to the sound of her yelling "Not you <Lastname>". But it was too late, I had my shot at getting out of this and I took it. And I ran to my classroom. I was kind of close to my fifth grade teacher, she was actually the twin sister of my third grade teacher from another school, and after a week of confusion in my first days in fifth grade, we got on. Apparently her sister said I was a nice student. So when I arrived at the classroom she asked why I was there and why I was upset, and I told her, and she sorta sighed and explained some of what had happened. That the world expected all girls to be the same, and that by not wanting to do something that was expected, people would try to force me. She then talked about the women who stood up for voting rights, Rosa Parks, and other figures I forget now and explained to me that I didn't have to, but it would take a lot of courage to say no and stick to it, and I should practice learning that. All people being equal was a lie in history lessons. One of the boys sat with me and told me it was the same for him, not about singing but about other things, because he was black. I was equally horrified for him. It wasn't the last lesson I'd ever learn about the world being determined to force a difference on men and women or people from different races and their choices in society, but as they say, you always remember that first one, whether it was a good first like that first love or a horrible one like this. I remember that time often, especially lately when someone tagged my name in a photo posted by that teacher and I saw him collecting praise from a lot of students. I blocked him and moved on, but I will always remember he was the first person who took away my choices solely because I was female. I think sometimes talking to that boy, and learning it was the same feelings for him even if the details are different, are why I never really joined the 'revenge on men' stuff some of the really crazy feminists pull. I don't need revenge, it won't change the past, I just want to be free to make my choices by skills, talents, interest, and ability to engage in the option, and not by my gender, race, or any other classification. As much as we like to tout freedom for all in America, none of us really are, until we all start just looking around at everyone and seeing other human beings. Meh.

My friend has a cap with the words "Life is Good" on it. I often wonder if he realizes how much it affects me. I'm feeling that way these days. I am increasingly realizing how unbelievably oppressive it was (and is) to live with such strong feelings and hurts about wishing one is the opposite gender from their birth sex. And, how we can be conditioned to work so hard to suppress it to get along. But that "getting along" for me meant waiting for it to be over. Which seemed like such a waste. So today I'm posting a photo of my new pink dress. Even when shopping for it (yes, on Amazon) I hesitated ordering such a bright and pretty color. Conditioning strongly at work that tells me that certain shades of blue, green, maybe a brown would be okay. But not girly pink! But I'll tell you, I LOVE it. I really do. And it's a nice soft cotton, which is perfect as the temperature is getting a little warmer. I did attend TDoV on Thursday. Call me old but honestly, it didn't do much for me. Kind of reminded me of street fairs I attended a few decades ago on the Castro. But then again, all happy people having a good time. What I enjoyed the most was talking to several people as we ate finger food and had a glass of wine before the main event. It was fun to meet more transgender people who are all happy and well adjusted. Funny story: I met another Emma! But she was probably 20-30 years younger than me and had never even heard of Emma Peel, which cracked me and another couple (my age) up. What fond memories I have of watching all of Emma's moves in The Avengers so long ago. She was my dream. I'd also like to say goodbye to Patty Duke. I know that wasn't her real name but that was who she was to me. When I was young my parents used to drop me off for an outdoor movie night at Lake Berryessa. I remember watching her in at least one movie and, as with Emma Peel, watching Patty so intently while trying to slowly chew my Milk Duds. And of course I also loved the Patty Duke Show... So yeah. Life is Good. Love you all, Emma

"My Love, My Life" were the words I had inscribed inside my wife's wedding band. I really meant it. She was and is everything to me. I love her so much. A few weeks ago, my wife told me she did not want to be with me anymore. She explained that she is not a lesbian. That she tried, but needs to be with a man and wants to start dating. I knew that she was struggling with my transition and our relationship. Many times in the past, she has said that if I transition, that she would not stay with me. Last year she had a change of heart, yet our relationship has changed. We are still loving with each other. She is my best friend. Yet she is not attracted to be anymore. We haven't had sex in 2.5 years. There are a lot of couples that stop having sex. But obviously this was something my wife needs. She started to cry. I felt so bad for her. I was so sweet with her, I hugged her and told her that it was okay. I told her that I loved her, totally understood why she felt that way and supported her. That she was brave for saying what she said and that I am proud of her. I smiled and showed her so much love, the kind of unconditional love that I promised to give her when I married her. She is really an awesome person and woman. I am so fortunate to have had her in my life and shared so much of my life with her (the last 18 years). I've told her many times, that our marriage was "it" for me. I never want to be married to anyone else. But, there are no guarantees in life. She needs more than what I have to give. And honestly, we have grown apart. I am not the best and smartest spouse in the world. But I am the most kind and loving that she will ever meet. That does count for a lot and is very important. But that is not enough in our marriage. My attraction to her is still really strong and I told her that, not to make her feel bad but to let her know that I still find her desirable. Last week, she suggested that I start dating guys. I have never been with or dated a man before. Mostly because I have not been physically attracted to guys and much more attracted to females, my wife specifically. It was a strange conversation. I don't know where it was coming from. Honestly, these next two or three months, I have a lot of things I am trying to tackle and dating is not in my forethought. But realistically, that is what I face in my future. Finding someone else who wants to share their life with me. Being a transwoman, this may be a difficult task. But I am not stressed out about it, because I have a lot of really awesome new friends that I can rely on who are very special and dear to me. I am very thankful for them and everyone who has stuck by me through all of this, especially my wonderful wife who I love and respect dearly. It is so important to find love and happiness in life. I hope that all of us find what we seek. Love and Blessings to All on this Special Day!! --Lisa

Trans Workers UK is a Facebook closed group that advances Trans rights in the UK workplace, I'm a member of the group and regularly advice is sought and given by trans workers on most aspects of being trans at work. However by far the most numerous postings are for trans who are still "in the closet" as far as work is concerned, who are wanting advice from those of us who are fully out in the workplace and in life. Most of these folk have come up against the societally conditioned old barrier, that they'll be ridiculed, or lose their jobs and workmates, this is by far the biggest hurdle that we have to overcome, it's our pre-judice, based on experience in society at large. Most don't realise that it's 2016 & not 1975 anymore, and that attitudes have moved on. Anyway I posted my recent experience to help them overcome their fears; "Last week my employer (a County Council) sent me on a Fire Risk Assessors course, with a view to my carrying out Fire Risk Assessments for the Council's properties. This sort of fits in with my existing role as a H&S Advisor. Anyway I was kinda nervous about attending the course which was held at the Firefighting College in Moreton in the Marsh. I had imagined it as being a very male orientated place, and half expected to be stared at or have the occassional joke or wise crack made at my expense. I couldn't have been more wrong, I was pleasantly surprised to find that doors were held open for me by smiling young firefighters, who were also very polite. I thought wow, if anyone had told me 3 years ago that I'd be wearing knee high boots, treggings, leopard print top, make-up and attending as a woman at the firefighters college, I'd have said "yeah, in your dreams". But there I was doing it. So to all who are contemplating gender change at work, but think it's impossible, think again, I've done it, it's so much easier than you might think. No, as a male I was not a small built effeminate man, I was a 100 kg 5'10" bloke with wide shoulders and narrow waist, and yeah, I thought it impossible to do what I've done, and yet here I am as Eve, my true self. I hope that this helps to inspire others to to do what they really want and not hang about wasteing time, I regret not doing what I did much earlier in my life. Good Luck to you all xx". Cheers, Eve

SERIOUSLY I hate my job. Nikki did the math, and barring any unforeseen financial emergencies (I can hear the peanut gallery laughing at the girl who thinks life is going to cooperate and nothing major will break in the last five months) it's looking like August is my exit day. This week was just stupid. Paperwork going wrong, customers being weird, half the people on vacation, half of who was left getting seriously ill. If I have to forcibly tell one more person "I am reception/accounts recievable, I actually can't tell you what is in stock, what the pricing is, or when a tech will be available, you will have to leave a voicemail to get help!" and get "I'm sure you can help me!" I"m going to hide under my desk and weep sadly. Cuz you know, I have nothing better to do than lie to people about my super amazing telepathic knowledge of where the techs are hiding! I did get a lot of work done this week though with less people dumping still more stuff on me, that was pleasant. Looking forward to my one day a week off with Nikki tomorrow. I need down time. I watched Hateful Eight with him yesterday, I admit I was curious to see it, the trailer looked like it was going to be somewhat funny. However, I went in assuming Tarantino would fail to entertain me, and I was right. I recognize the mans movie making skills, he does amazing shots and really good technicals, but his stories just fail to engage me. Nikki loves them, he really really loves Tarantino so getting me to agree to sit down and watch with him (mostly because I really love Kurt Russell despite the really scary mustache) was fun for him. Tomorrow we have Vin Diesel's Last Witch Hunter (Vin Diesel rarely fails to entertain me, I love that voice) and Insurgent that I picked out, and Ant Man that Nikki wanted to see. I expect very little of Ant Man, no pun intended. LOL I was really surprised I liked Divergent as much as I do. So life is settling down, and Nikki told me to switch my main focus from researching our future with his dressing needs since we've worked out a pretty good system that makes everyone happy, and to start researching depression. X_X Okay, so...it's been years since I dealt with it really, surely there has been a lot of progress and new understandings and stuff...and....nope. So far not coming up with anything I don't already know. Every article I read on the science of it to the supporting your spouse who suffers from it is pretty much what i already know and do. I'm sorta disappointed. I was hoping to find new things I could do to help I guess. The CD stuff was easier, I could buy him things, come up with new girl/girl role play scenarios, shop with him, watching makeup and other tutorials, get involved. Depression doesn't really let that happen. Sure, I'm engaged with him in everything else, but this one there's not so much I can do and he's going to have to fight through it internally. Meh. It's surprising how much difference not going on a cruise this year made. We hadn't realized how much the destress of a week of no worries other than what do we feel like doing/seeing/eating right now helps after the long overtime season and cold winter cabin fever months. We're going on once next year that is going to be a challenge and a half on it's own, Nikki's family is going with us! At least his dad and stepmom are. His dad's great, but his stepmom can be...strange. Like she gets really weird about odd things. A good example was it was someone's birthday, and they went to a seafood house because the birthday person loves seafood. Nikki hates it, he ordered the steak. And she freaked out that he didn't choose some sort of seafood at the restaurant. And they constantly have to have us doing something, they spend so much money. I tried to talk to them about it, Nikki would like some time to just hang out and talk to his dad without being involved in some over the top activity, and she was very firm about how ungrateful I was being. Ri-ight. I gave up. So I anticipate some real challenges regarding shore excursions and meals on this trip. One thing Nikki and I agree on firmly is that the ONLY person who will be sharing a cabin with us if he's able to go is my son. We are not taking on any of the couples in the family if anyone gets bright ideas. Nikki would probably deal with it better than I would since it's a family norm for him, but I would go nuclear without a retreat space. I didn't even want to share a cabin with my own mom. It's not a space thing, I'd have no problems in a four person room with Nikki and two of a list of my friends. Purely a personality issue. When we went on the whole family trip with my family, I learned 'how bad can it be, it's a cruise ship!' in the middle of the week when I went absolutely volcanic on my aunt after she was stupid about something to Nikki. I was in the middle of paradise screaming my fool head off. LOL My aunt was stunned, my mom was trying to be invisible, and my grandma tried to control the situation until I turned on her and started screaming still at full volume and she realized I Was Done and retreated to the bathroom to wait for me to leave. My other aunt came into the cabin and tried to get involved and her husband yanked her out saying "I have no idea what Jan did, but that girl is ready to eat you for lunch too, let's go dear". LOL Then I stormed out and went back to my cabin and my mom called about 20 minutes later and asked Very Cautiously "Am I allowed to come hang out with you guys or not?" LOL She came down and found out what actually happened and was all "oh..." Aunt who had been bitchy was Nikki's best freind for the rest of the damn cruise. LOL Nikki has had a shouting match with her in the past too...she means well, but she's one of those people who thinks her way is right for everyone and has no shyness about trying to force it on people for their good. Nikki's family has even more people like that...so I foresee needing an escape haven. The worst part is it was my bright idea to invite them. Ya'll can believe i"m going to try to budget hard and see if we can't afford two cruises that year (it can be done with a really good sale. And we drive down to the ship instead of flying, so that decreases the cost by $500 to $1000). One year with a really good sale we literally spent $1992 total. That included the crusie tickets, tips, soda cards, hotels, gas, parking, food on the trip, spending, and shore excursions. I kept track becuase I was curious how small I could make a week in the Caribbean.