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Nikki is going through some serious painful topics in therapy, nothing I can do. Not a thing. He has to sort all of it out, and it will be good for him, but I'm not stupid, he's hurting and nothing I can say or do can take that away until he works through it all. I'm here, ready with the comfort and the hugs and the reinforcement, but that only goes so far. I suspicion everyone here knows that. The sheer helplessness sucks. I WANT to be able to help him, to make it all better, and make all the ugly past go away. The only thing I can do is step back, and let him guide me in what he wants and needs from me right now. Being the partner sucks. It was easier when I was the one dealing with my disorders/history, I didn't have to stand by helplessly. I guess he felt like this when I was struggling. Love isn't always joy. Sometimes it's just suffering together through life and all it's mess. Feeling frustrated and helpless is such an unpleasant combination. ANd he keeps APOLOGIZING to me about it. He has nothing to apologize, he's doing what he needs to do to heal so that we can have our happily ever after. He didn't choose any of this, and I'm not a fair weather wife who can't handle feeling frustrated and helpless for a while. The fact that I feel that way is because I love my Nikki. I'm going to go kill things in a video game now.

Hi everyone, So last weekend was the memorial service for my uncle who passed away in January - everyone was so spread out they delayed it to find a convenient time for as many people as possible. His passing was of course sad, but he was older and hadn't been in good health (mentally or physically) for quite some time. The point of this entry is the fact that this is the first time I've seen many family members since I transitioned. About 10-12 people knew (the most direct of my relatives - my brother and sister and first cousins), but most of the rest didn't, so on top of being a sad occasion I had to basically "come out" at it - it was an interesting balance, obviously it's a funeral so it's not about me, but it's not like my transition is a subtle thing that nobody will notice if I don't mention it! And going as a guy was out of the question (one of my friends asked me after if I thought I would have been more or less comfortable if I had presented as a male for this - I told him I don't really know because I can't even imagine doing that - he liked that answer). Anyway, the first issue was that the first group of people I saw were more distant relatives who didn't know about my transitioning, and it occurred to me that i hadn't thought about how to "introduce" myself. I introduced myself with my current name, but several times added "formerly _____" so that they would know who I am. I didn't have any negative incidents - there may have been a couple of people who avoided interacting with me, but those who did were all perfectly friendly. One of my cousins (who knew already) commented towards the end about how much happier I seem (and that's at a funeral!) So after a lot of stress leading up to it, it ended up being a good experience. xoxo Chrissy

So... Insurance said no. For the fifth time. My favorite beach is closed. My birthday plans have been cancelled. And I literally cant think of many reasons why I should even bother to keep trying. Please dont message or comment with 'keep your chin up' or 'keep trying' because that literally only ticks me off. Ren.

So yeah there's been some interesting things going on. Once i really accepted my true self i decided that i would try to start acting, in small doses, as my true gender. I started by joking around at work telling everyone to call me Tina which was quite funny. Im quite loud usually and very energetic so everyone just laughed it off. Thats not the big happeningbs though. I've always been pretty sensitive, very intuitive with my femine side which is one thing that attracted my girlfriend. Lately as i said i've been acting a bit more feminine, i'm not sure if my girlfriends picked up on this but my favourite of her comments was, 'i wouldnt be surprised if one day when you're 50 you told me you wanted to be a woman' to which she added 'and i would accept that and stay withyou'. This is of course in 26 years and i dont see myself waiting that long. I suppose that would have been a good time to tell her but we've got a big presentation next week for uni so dont want to distract from that. I wonder if she would be as accepting of me if i told her now. I guess thats my biggest worry, acceptance. Most of my friends and family i think will be cool. So yeah just keeping up to date with everyone p.s. I got some excellent flowery bedsheets :D

I would like to dress as a female, but can not because I live in a all male shelter. But I do wear female panties under my male underwear all the time every day.

Hey guys! Its been a while since i posted, ive been pretty busy but always thinking. And now i think its time to tell my family? Cant be certain though. I assume that a lot of people here have come out to their friends and family. I've spent the last few days composing a very overworded coming out letter that i will post on a private blog and send them all a link. Is this enough? Is it good enough? I can't take holding it back anymore! [edit] So i have a girlfriend, how do i tell her? Just come out with it? If i plan it i know i'll just waffle about stuff thats not relevant, help :(

Now I'm clam and zen, because NIkki is dealing with some really hard deep inside personal issues iwth his therapist, and he needs me to be okay right now. So I have since righted myself and gone back to practical one thing at a time mode. It helps that I see the exit from Hell Job now that they have hired and are training my supervisor's replacement. So she won't be there to guilt me into staying longer. Relatives have that power sometimes, especially since you still want someone to come to Christmas dinner. Summer starting is helping me relax and just do what needs done so that I'm calm and together for Nikki. I would take it all away from him and live with it myself if i had to so he didn't have to deal with anything but the fun stuff, but I can't.

Joined this site a few days ago after many years of fantasizing wondering what it would be like to explore what i was really feeling inside. Did some deep soul searching and realized that to feel complete, i have to explore and sort through my emotions. I have been supressing and fighting my true feelings. I am on a fact finding mission. This is the first i am expressing any of these feelings. It feels good talking about this.

Ok people, so this isn't technically - or at least not fully - about being trans, but something I need an outlet for. It might be a bit meandering. I've been going through a difficult stretch, including a series of "endings" that have left me feeling - well, I don't quite know, but I know a thought that has crossed my mind several times is "when will I find peace?" The endings - (1) I'm applying to grad school and on Friday got a rejection from one of them - the one that was by far my first choice; (2) the drag queen who often lets me guest perform is no longer doing her show at the bar I go to; (3) my 2 best friends are about to move to California; (4) one of my favorite uncles passed away in January; (5) ... I know there are a few more, but I'm blanking right now. This is all on top of having a job that has gotten progressively worse over the past few months, and there is absolutely no sign of it turning around anytime soon (or ever). So how do I find peace? I used that line in therapy today and she asked me what that would look like to me, peace. My initial answer was that I would have a job that I didn't hate going to every day and didn't cause endless annoyance and stress. As I thought about it on my way back to work I know that that was too specific an answer, but a good lead-in to maybe figure it out. Because it's not about getting things to be happening the way I want them to, it's about getting me to think about things differently. I think the serenity prayer is always a good baseline - give me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think this is related - but keep in mind I did say I might meander :-) Every Wednesday I go to a supervision group for the volunteer organization I belong to, and last week (at our last session) I made a comment about how this group, for those 2 hours a week, allow me to feel completely comfortable with my complete identity. It's not that they accept me being trans, it just is. And I thought afterwords that if I can feel that way in the group, i should be able to feel that way anywhere :-) Just knowing that I'm capable of feeling that way makes it possible. To relate that back to the broader theme - I'm capable of accepting difficult things, so I should be able to accept any difficult thing. Ok, that's just a starting point perhaps. One final point on the grad school thing. Being rejected by my first choice school actually hurt me a lot more than I expected. I think that although I harbor some doubts about being able to do it, I assumed the choice would be mine (I'd be accepted and then decide if I want to go). But this really was crushing - I got home from work the day I got the rejection and literally cried for about an hour (and even thinking about it right now almost makes me start again). It became really clear that "coming out" as transgender finally made it possible for me to realize where my passion lies, and to have that set-back on the path to fulfilling it was very painful. It doesn't end things, I have a couple of other applications out still, but those options would be more difficult - but probably worth pursuing. So thank you to anyone who got this far - and if you didn't, well you're not seeing this now so there's no reason for me to say anything to you - but I understand :-) xoxo Chrissy