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So my insurance has told me flat out (cant remember if I told you guys but here's a recap) no. Unless my ID says female, they will not consider my application for surgery assistance. They can only process it as male, which would go under cosmetic which they dont cover SO, I called the DMV for my state and talked to them. I asked them "I have already changed my ID to my identifying gender. Can I change it back temporarily and then put it back to my current gender later?" Odd question, naturally. So after I talked to the woman about it and explained my situation, she understood but then asked "Wait..your gender is already changed? Without your bottom surgery?" I said yes. "The law for our state dictates that you cannot change your gender without bottom surgery....Did you falsify paperwork??" Um. WHAT?! NO! We hashed it out and I had to talk to an officer AND their supervisor and we sorted out the issue. Apparently when I got my gender marker changed, it was in a matter of HOURS before the law was effective and therefor my ID IS legal and I avoid a 5k$ state fine for False Identification and Falsifying State Paperwork and information. Scary!!!! But we talked about it and she basically said that my ID is on the edge of a cliff. I'm safe if I leave it alone, but if I switch it now--I wont be able to switch it back afterwards without bottom surgery. WHAT!? So now my ID is stuck the way it is, so I cannot change it for insurance. On top of that though, she did advise that I go and find a lawyer and talk to them about my Transgender Protection rights for our state with State Insurance as it is usually policy not to deny Transgender Surgeries because it being "cosmetic." So, recap. I almost got fined 5k$ but I wont be fined because I got there before closing. My ID is fine and I do not have to change it. I cannot change it without it being a problem (also that puts my Doc at risk for false info if I ask her to sign off on it a second time). Get a lawyer (I dont have the funds for that...) and keep saving up money on my gofundme account. So basically...I got no where. And the 20 tries to call my homestate in regards to STILL not having a revised Birth Certificate ended up with a busy signal every time. So they're dragging their rears, same as always. Dude, it's been over a year already! LETS GO, TURKEYS! As a side note, I have 483$ saved up for my surgery. Then I realized that I need 500$ just for a day reservation fee, so none of that money actually goes into the 9k$ needed for the surgery itself. Oi vey.... I'm so tired of running in circles....x.x This long path is turning into a quest of unbelievable extent. Ren (Gofundme.com/givewarrenahand)

Hi all Reason I say there I go again, I had to play car fixer again for my sister. Do you girls and guys realize that a car is heavy to push on your own. But this time round, I reversed the car into the garage, because there is no way in hell that I am pushing that heavy () car again to have to start. I hope that my sister doesn't stuck tomorrow with the car as she goes to work. I don't know where it is draining the battery from and I didn't have enough time to trace the fault as I was working. Ooooooh, some guy asked to see a picture of me and I just handed my phone over and I was looked at and asked a few questions, as he figured out from my instagram (@michelintrans) that I changed, but thought that I was transgender ftm. I was laughing and said, no. But yes, this was because I am just as naughty as the guy that asked to see some pics of me. Yes, he saw my ass, and it's perky as heel, so I am not ashamed of artistically taken pics. And it wasn't like I was naked, I was dressed in underwear and only kept the artistic not sleazy pics, the rest were deleted. I even prove that underwear can be used to fight in and showed that I can be a sword wielding biatch, although it was with a WW2 relic, bayonette sword. That doesn't mean that I don't know how to use a sword, remember is was the only size I could handle as a child to not injure myself when I started my sword works, and I love it as it reminds me of how brave my dad was in real life, and that he is proud of me where he is. Need to run, my baby is running low on nappies and I have to drive to a shop with his brand as he soaks the bed if you buy inferior nappies. Love, Respect, Hugs, Adoration, and Understanding Michele Ps. No one can see my pics on instagram without me accepting them. I locked it for my own privacy.

Rocky Garden First saw a 12 year old girl Working on her large garden by herself Six to eight hours a day Moving heavy rocks to build up her garden Mother shouts to her father to come, please help her He works beside her for a few hours That summer was a drought Her garden burns in the heat Next year, at age 13 She builds up her garden further Having bags of topsoil and gravel delivered Enlarging her already large garden Separating her vegetables by a wall of stone Proudly sharing her vegetables with her family Father does not help her This year at age 14 My, how she has grown! She looks like her mother Still working alone She builds a chicken wire fence around her garden, complete with a door To defend against the neighborhood deer and rabbits She builds another garden by the side of the house To provide her mother with herbs And another, on the other side of the house In partial shade, for shade-loving vegetables Another girl next door builds a large garden Following her example And an art student sketches their gardens Savoring the idea of smelling and eating Their vegetables Healing her broken heart

So I think summer has finally hit. Or it's all a cruel, Bree-squashing joke of the weather and global warming. But the pool is up, there has been swimming, Nikki's mood is lifting steadily as the Zoloft seems to be taking effect, and there is talk about getting the grill cleaned up and prepped for the season. We planted one of those gorgeous Japanese Seiryu maples on the side of the house, please live little tree, take the transplant well. Gave it root encouragement liquid (dunno what else to call it) and fertilizer and keep it watered while it adjusts to it's new surroundings. If left to my own devices I'll turn that side yard into a little grove of nothing but small trees. I have some sort of daylily I think growing along side the house, gorgeous purple flowers...that are too heavy for the stems and dragging on the ground, amusing Nikki. Poor plants. And the Great Detangling of the Honeysuckle must occur once I get off my lazy rear and go buy some new trellis to train it along. I think it's time to get some lily of the valley planted. The overarching scent of my childhood is lily of the valley and honeysuckle. It was everywhere in my grandparent's yard, and all the memories have that smell attached to them (Unless it was winter). I love those smells. It's funny how as children we are racing to get out into the world and away from home, then as adults spend so much time trying to recreate those childhood homes. At least the plants were easy to care for ones, I'm Death Incarnate to roses and other fussy plants. Nikki says they literally quail at the site of me at the store, he can see their quaking branches as I pass. Things are very mellow here, he's happier than he's been in a long time, so I'm relaxed and able to focus on Bree things a bit, and only three more months of toxic job from hell for me. Next summer is going to be even better when I don't have to go there. SO we're all still alive and well here, just knee deep in getting everything set up for summer fun. Now if you'll excuse me, I have got to go find something for this bug bite rash, they ate me while I was weeding. LIttle insect jerks who eat people alive.

I am also a member of another cross-dresser/transgender site which is predominantly cross-dressers with a section for transgender. I frequent that site say once a week, sometimes every two weeks. I posted in the transgender area about my voice lessons and then the same day received a request to meet a member. Since I was heading in her direction to prom dress shopping with my best friend and her daughter I should sure. So this afternoon we were suppose to meet in front of Pandora's in the mall at 2PM but she was not there, said she was running late so Terry and I went for coffee then Victoria's Secrets shopping (Pandora, Macy's and Victoria's are my favs). While in VS I check my mail, she is in the mall so I said meet us at VS. I am going hog wild over thongs at this time but notice the line is super long so I decided not to purchase since she is meeting us shortly and not a minute later there she is. As the mall was super busy I suggested walking outside to talk. We chatted about many things including GRS and my condensed story as well as some of her history. She told me in these words "you are a pillar for the site". I thanked her. Then she asked, why are you taking voice lessons? I said to sound more female. Then the bombshell, (she response with) to tell you the truth your voice is female now. My friend Terry says, Karen has improved a lot in the past year (now the next part is hard to believe) since her surgery. I know that surgery does not change one's voice but I feel the change is mental, inside of me from talking female everyday for the past say 16 months. My voice coach tells me I need to work with her and I agree and then she goes on to say I am progressing faster than other clients woohoo. Next time this woman is in town she is taking me to dinner so we can chit chat more. BTW She is from Canada where the process sounds extremely long to get GRS unlike here in the US. Anyways I am going to eat the great dinner Terry sent home with me, later!

Just working through some things since the therapy session. Long talks with Bree, several attempts at trying to shake some of the doldrums and just in general a lot going on. I have an appointment with our regular doctor next week and I'm going to talk to her about getting something for my depression. I've found it's hard to talk about my feelings when I don't really have the capability to feel anything beyond extreme highs and lows and then just don't really feel anything at all otherwise. I can't really talk about feelings I'm not having and I know it's frustrating when all I can do is shrug my shoulders when someone asks how I feel. How do you feel? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Yeah that's not helpful for anyone, least of all me. I've started using a little notebook to kind of keep track of thoughts I'm having when I am feeling anything so I have a guide to talk to my therapist about when I see her in a few weeks. I just want to feel again.

Just an update I haven't been on here much. I have been really busy, active. Making steady progress. But I had something that happened to me last night which stopped me cold. I had a guy who I was friends with, who I have chatted with for months, just dump me and cut me out of his life. Being trans*, I have experienced a lot of this over many years. But recently, things had been going really well. So this blindsided me a bit. Anyways, I cried today. I will be okay. It will take some time to get over this. This wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last. I've experienced tons of rejection. And honestly, I am used to it. Even though things have gotten so much better in the last 5 years or so regarding others accepting me, particularly these last few weeks (which is awesome), it still just wears me down. Makes me tired. For some reason, I don't know why, it makes me either work harder or just back away from things. I don't allow others to validate me a person or a woman. But it still hurts when it happens, especially when we develop relationships with others and they for whatever reason back away. I hope that everyone has an awesome day today. --Lisa

Today has just been... blah. I woke up mostly ok, but after Bree and I ended up getting entangled and went out for breakfast, the headache kicked in and I realized that the little fog that had been sitting in the back of my head was congestion and Bree wasn't going to be getting much out of me. So the blah day has been filled with a Daredevil season 2 binge along with some errands. It has been a quiet meh I'm sick kind of day. Bree and I have otherwise been working on things in our relationship. A lot of the issues were my fault in a lot of this, some of it stemming from me hiding some of my feelings about my need to crossdress and my gender confusion, and some of that tied to but not really tied to that. It was complicated. We're making it a lot less complicated now. and that's a good thing for both of us. I did find something near and dear to Bree last night and that made me feel pretty good about myself that I was able to make her the least bit happy in all of this. Writing these is hard but I'm practicing. That little book I've got to write thoughts in when I'm feeling something has been seeing some action, but even that's hard to do when I"m not feeling something. So next week it's definitely on with anti-depressents. There was a me in the videos we found that I haven't felt in a long damn time and while I've been getting glimpses here and there I miss that happier version of me.

This week I had to work, but I was able to reflect a bit on what was a difficult last three years or so. It's seems as though just in the last three weeks as I have stabilized, I have been able to focus, be more task-oriented, yet be able to look forward, plan and conceptualize what my future might look like or what may be possible. It is always difficult to say what will happen. Yet I won't let that deter me from making sound plans for myself that are achievable. I have a few focus areas for next year: my family and friends ... work continuously to strengthen many of the life-long relationships that I've had with my friends and strengthen ties with family. Seek out allies. People who I think will support me as I transition. Make new friends and network. Spend more time with not only trans* folks but cigender folks as well so that I can start to socialize in my new role. Come up with a more solid transition plan. But at the same time, not rush into anything or put undue pressure on myself to meet a deadline. The holidays can be painful for many people. I am thankful that I was able to spend this time with my family. I've lost many people I have loved over the last couple years. And otherwise things were extremely difficult for me for several other reasons. But I am thankful. We all are happy, healthy. We have a wonderful life and home together. I am getting what I need to transition and take care of myself. And most importantly, I have the loving support of my family. Life is a struggle. Eventually, we all lose this struggle. It's what we do during the struggle, which defines who we are. And as bad as things can be, we need to look for the little things to enjoy in life. For me it is my children, the outdoors and riding my bike. And focus on the positives and what is good in a given situation. And invest in the relationships we do have. And create new lasting friendships. It costs nothing to be kind and loving to others. Don't harbor anger. Forgive and love others. Even when they seem beyond loving. It's all tough stuff. And transition is tough stuff. If anyone is struggling, please feel free to send me a message. I am here for anyone who needs it. I can be a friend if you need a friend or someone to talk to. Just let me know. I hope that everyone is having a good Christmas and has a wonderful New Year in 2016. I think that it will be a good one! (I hope ... LOL!) Love and Blessings, --Lisa