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Seriously, I'm getting next to nothing done. *headdesk* I need a cleaning buddy or something. I just have zero motivation this week, even showering was a massive endeaver. And, of course, I had a clumsy moment and forgot the dimensions of the shower when I dropped the soap and cracked my head but good on the wall. The lovely headache I had for half the day so DID not help. I honestly think I'm having some kind of episode, anxiety maybe? I just have this...constant feeling of vulnerability and fear. Everything is starting me this week. Has anyone here had experience with anxiety attacks? I've never had one without clear and understandable provocation (like in the aftermath of the robbery). Is this that? How long can it last? A week? A month? Meh. I just feel WEIRD. I need to at least figure out motivation. I have a million things I want to do and just...haven't. Today is just about over, can't fix today, will fight this tomorrow. Good night all.

Hi there all So I'm the middle of my leave currently and PMS striked again which is an enemy that is supposed to only strike me the last week of the month. But hey, it decided that it was a good time for me to get punched while the thinking is I am supposed to be down and for the count before of my revelation or make that truth finding. And on the same day, my blooming sinuses are also packing up and not in a mild way but a heavy attack. So yes, first few days I was sick, and called into work for 5 days as my sub-component was in trouble for something we couldn't sort out while I was there, but there is time until the 21st to complete, when I am still on leave and I said they should just tell me when everything is right and I will sort it out on my time. But yes that is that, and now this again, the PMS I don't mind, but the sinus attacks that doesn't want to go away, and leaving me sneezing and a nasal drip that is worse then ever. Okay, I think my body this move so I couldn't go through with the boodie call I had placed to a friend that helped me out with my birthday last year. Funny I didn't use it again seeing that he is good at what he does. But then again, I am not fighting fire with fire because the guy that screwed around was left already, and by spiting him, I am planning of playing in his friends pool. What, the best revenge is the revenge closest to home. Which I also don't think I should go through, because I am not a vindictive person. Ps... by the time I read your responses I would've either not gone through with this or just gave in and do it, but if I do it, it isn't because I am being spiteful, but actually like the person. I actually drove a few long distances, as in Cape Town if you drive more then 40km you are driving longish distance, lets see that is 25miles. But I did two trip where the going was 100miles so a round trip was 200miles. That was actually fun to see my car doing these distances as, I barely do 17 miles round trip per day. But if I drive a distance to go calm down I do between 30-50miles on a calm down, I will even consider a drive of around 75miles round trip as a good calm down session. Talking about calm down session, I found out and instead of crying or punching someone, I took a drive to the beach and had a nice night walk on the beach. And before anyone starts shouting at me for going to the beach on my own. I went to the beach that has constant traffic till around 04:00. And the time that I was there was between 19:00 and 22:00. So clearly the beach was not full but still had a large volume of people either on the beach or on the road not too far away. Not that I was looking at the amount of traffic on the beach. So I did my nature thing to bring my spirit into it zen space. What this dating experience told me is, you never know the person until they show their true colors, and if you notice it don't be afraid to confront it. But as Trans Females, we should know this, our muscle mass is way less then what it was, and if you know the guy is volatile and might beat you, don't do it as your safety is of more importance. Then rather just leave the guy and steer clear of all the places you frequented, maybe that was just his way of hiding you from his family and friends. But if you were introduced to family and friends, then you weren't the sideline, just screwed around on, and I don't know which is worse. Because we have similar friends from the start, I'm not relinquishing my friends to him, as I've had them longer then him. He also isn't distancing himself from them, so I keep my smile on my face and not even acting happy, because I am happy this happened while it was still in its infancy and not super serious. Well three months is long for me to be in a relationship that isn't platonic. Well, I have said a bit more then what I thought I would say, so have a good evening people, I'm off and out of here. Cheers my lovelies Michele

With the elections over and seeing many in the transgender community worried what it's going to be like with the new president which really nobody can say for sure it might be prudent to consider worst case scenarios. If I didn't have a passport this would be a wake up call to obtain one as at the current time for some it turns out to be difficult and in the future it may be even more difficult. Medical needs and prescriptions, what can happen is of course unknown but consider worst case, those obtaining them for free may now need to pay for them while those that get them at a low cost, the price may go up. Of course there are other things to consider yet personally these would be at the top of my list if I had not transitioned yet. Currently all my identification is under Karen Payne with a female gender marker yet so many in the community have not started, are stepping though the process and need to consider how things should be handled if things go sideways.

I've been seeing a psychotherapist for a few weeks. It was a recommended course of action by the psychiatrist at the GIC and so I signed up. AI couple of weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity in one of our sessions. Yesterday I had another one. I have to give myself more time to grow into myself. Into the 'new' me. I've spent so much time and energy in the past year trying to speed things along, with GPs and the medical profession; trying to prove to others that I need treatment and I need to transition; trying to convince everyone that I am what I say I am, that I haven't given myself time to experience it. To feel it. I am changing - and I have refused to acknowledge or even recognise those changes. I've been so wrapped up in trying to get from A to B that I haven't stopped to admire the scenery or enjoy the ride. So I am slowing down. I'm not going to get anxious about the T not affecting my body as rapidly as I'd hoped. Because, it IS affecting my body. And it's affecting my mind. My personality and my disposition. Last month, my prescription was late. The delivery of the hormone was late. I went five days without it. At first, I was annoyed and anxious. By the time it arrived, I had realised that I was actually calmer and less aggressive than I'd been for a few months. That was a surprise at the time. I hadn't noticed how much it had bumped up my aggressive tendencies until it was gone. I explained to the therapist that I had noticed this about myself. Guess what she said? "That's why the RLE is so important. It's not just about proving you mean what you say to the medical professionals. It's about giving yourself time to experience and understand the changes you're making. To your personality as well as to your body. You're becoming a different person even if you've always thought of yourself as that person." That was a bit of a light bulb moment for me. Sounds silly, but I really hadn't thought in those terms before. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that. I had always thought that I knew who and what I was. I thought the RLE was a step I had to take to prove who I was to others. Now I know it's more important to me to view it as a step to take to learn and accept who I'm becoming.

Last year was my first interview, today was my second. Last year they did the interview in Microsoft Studio were nobody sees this until pushed to the web. Big difference this year, they brought all their equipment to the main Microsoft building where there are thousands of people walking by and the camera is hotter without the AC of the studio. During the prior video you heard a question being asked then I would answer. This year they ask a question which is masked out, I repeat the question coming from me then answer the question (yeah, spooky). Any ways I talked only about transgender when it came to non-personal but a passion I have for the community. I will provide a link here when the video is done.

Two nights ago myself, two Microsoft managers and three Microsoft engineers formed a panel on inclusion and diversity in the workplace. The settings, a room filled to capacity (guessing 400), two wine bars, cheese and crackers. We sat on stage, each with our own microphones. Yes the entire event was video taped by a professional team. After a ten minute introduction by the sponsor (a Microsoft program manager) a question was asked, each one of us responded then moved on to the next question. At the end the audience was given the chance to ask the panel questions but nobody took advantage of this but at least for me five people came up either to ask questions or to say how proud they were of me for doing this. One even asked for my email as they are dealing with a transgender child. The event was scheduled for a mere 30 minutes. I said up front this needs not to be constrained by time and they agreed which is good because the event lasted over one hour. When being driven back to my hotel I noticed a high number of notifications on my Twitter account, wow, lots of followers from the event, way cool. Next day I had several people come up to me at other events and said they enjoy hearing me speak. Oh, I was torn between indicating I was formerly male for the first question/give a short intro of yourself but ended up indicating by past. Got some blank stares like "really". What blow my mind was after talking about why we need transgender people in tech and why they are not (thinking fully transitioned vs in the closet) all I could focus on was the majority of people were applauding me which is a huge step not so much for me but for the transgender community at large. Never thought I would be an advocate at this level but now so happy that I can be part of making people aware that the majority of transgender people are assets if given the chance rather than being part of low-income part of society. I did point out that like cisgender people there are indeed un-balanced people in the transgender community so we area in one sense of the word all cut out the same with a chemical imbalance (or is it balanced). With that I would like to see others educate cisgender people showing them in a positive manner we are here, normal people that truly want to contribute to society, be loved, have friends and family and live together.