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Thank you for reading them! I was thinking about the whole sorry mess of marriage in relation to several recent conversations with a variety of friends looking for advice/comforting listener on a variety of topics, including the ever terrifying friend of mine attacking his wife and one of her children, and now he's stalking her after she left him. Man is that a mess, and I backed the hell away from him fast, he's not the person I thought he was obviously. Gyah. But it all stirred up a lot of thought on the whole thing. And how pervasive that 'you have to do it just like I do' really is. It seems like I don't know anyone who doesn't have to constantly defend the state of their marriage to others. Children, how many people are involved, what races are involved, religions, money, behaviors, etc. etc. Why are we on the culture as a whole so obsessed with external validation of our own situations by forcing others to mirror them or getting a cheap superiority thrill at their expense by labeling them lesser for those differences if they refuse to change to please society? Did we lose the ability to live and let live individually, or did we never really have it? I don't understand my world. I just live in it. I think you have a very realistic and empathetic view of what is going on in your house, unconditional acceptance of a person for who they are versus unconditional acceptance of her sense of self and her own feelings. And you're right, it doesn't really matter why. It could be as simple as her romantic/relationship maps just do not work at all for women, and if so that is immutable. Or it could be a series of complex life and social experiences that can be mutable, but only if she chooses it to be. And unless she makes that choice, you're right, the result and dealing with it maturely is what matters, and you are so elegant at that. And at understanding that sometime letting go IS acceptance. You're so far ahead of so many other people. When you talk about her your words ring with the knowledge between trying to make it work and accepting that you can't force it, and that is a joy to hear these days especially. If only my former friend could understand that. So I tell my son all of this, and let him make of it what he will, but when he hits my age, he won't be sitting here wondering why no one really talked about marriage as a whole. The ups and downs. I've been criticized before for talking openly with him about most things, 'children don't need to know their parents baggage', but I really disagree, and children SHOULD see thier parents baggage, and that their parents handle it, and are willing to talk about how they handle it, where it comes from, and prepare their children for doing the same instead of just 'good luck, we don't talk about those things'!

Well said, Bree. Like so many things, I could've lived my life and marriage(s) much better but for a lot of things. I remember when in my twenties I just didn't comprehend wisdom. I assumed it was all talk that was used to invalidate me. About four decades later I get it. I certainly wish I knew then what I know now! And yes, truthfulness and open communication are everything. I was sort of open to my wife about my TG feelings before we married and about ten years ago. By "sort of" I told her what I thought I knew, which was very very hard for me given how much shame I carried around it. And when my feelings were categorically denied I suppressed as best I could (and I was well practiced in that) until almost three years when she encouraged me to return to therapy and fortunately, the therapist was encouraging and supportive in my oh so slowly and painfully letting it out. Which led to my exploration, research, and what I feel is much better understanding of who I am and self-acceptance. But now my knowledge that I am transgender is looking like it may be a deal breaker for our marriage. At first I was so deeply hurt by that understanding. I justified that hurt by telling myself that my being trans can be considered similar to other conditions that might arise, such as cancer, dementia, etc. But those are diseases and being trans is not at all in that category. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that if my being trans is a deal breaker for her then it is what it is. It's tragic for both of us and fault-free for both of us. Who knows why it bothers her so much but that doesn't really matter. I could try to guilt her into trying to become more accepting and maybe through that hope that she'd gradually become accepting. But that's no way to live for either of us. I think now that a fundamental characteristic of a successful/happy marriage is unconditional acceptance. Without that there is always that elephant in the room. But I also believe that unconditional acceptance doesn't have to mean that (for example) she needs to delight in my coming into the room wearing a dress. That would be great but maybe there is another way for us to achieve that. I don't know what it is and I'm willing to explore it with her if she's willing. Of that I'm not certain at this time. I'm exploring that with her in the coming weeks and maybe months. I do certainly agree with your characterization of the "defense of marriage." It's all hyperbole used as a way to justify fear-based prejudices and concerns that are baseless and otherwise unsupportable. I don't know why some people feel that way. I could guess and maybe I'd be close to the truth. My hurling attacks at them doesn't do any good so I don't bother. I just try to support what I believe in and live as good a life as I can. You're a wise woman, Bree. Thank you for your posts. Emma