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Last week I had an opportunity to attend my second Transgender Conference in Pennsylvania; having only attending my first just 8 weeks earlier in Boston. I hadn't really definitively planned to, but another TG member offered to share the cost of accommodations at the Convention Center and the schedule fell in line with my planned travel from Florida to NY. My first Event, in Boston, appropriately billed as The First Event, was a big test for me. Having preparing for many years to step out in public as Jessica, but never having actually done that, I wanted to see my comfort level in presenting authentically for a continuous and relatively prolonged length of time. My first time going out in public was 3 days prior to the start of the convention and I remained Jess continuously for 10 days after. That experience met and exceeded my expectations; it was like falling back into a huge, plush, sofa that I just didn't want to get up from. Well, responsibility always calls, and you have to answer, but from that point on I really got into high gear with "living authentically". ( using the term "transitioning" bothers me immensely in that it infers I'm becoming someone new, rather than finally accepting and living as someone I've always been).🙋‍♀️ So about 6 weeks after First Event, I was off to the Keystone Conference, aptly footnoted as " A Celebration of Gender Diversity". One week earlier I moved into my new Florida home, living entirely authentically, and now was off to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. I met many from First Event there and it was very special to remember their names and chat again briefly about how we've been doing since. The icing on the cake, however, was the opportunity to share the Keystone experience with someone from the TG forum and having the time to get to know each other better as one girlfriend to another. I really look forward to continuing that special friendship; my first as Jessica. There were workshops Thursday, Friday And Saturday during the day covering many topics; I focused largely on those dealing with GRS, FFS, non surgical procedures, make-up, and the like. All were very good and I learned a lot to add to what I learned from First Event. The dinner outings were also great, but I gained 4 solid pounds (Ugh), breakfast, luncheons and dinners throughout. Several keynote speakers for the luncheons and Saturday banquet were all right on; but the most significant thing I've taken away from the whole experience is that the overall public perception of gender diversity is changing rapidly and on the verge of acceptance. We should be seen, not try to "hide" ourselves; learn to be more comfortable out there and be our own "goodwill ambassadors" when in public for the community we are all a part of. I will post more on specific topics from the convention down the road that should be of interest to those that were unable to attend. Jess😍

I shaved properly (with a razor instead of my electric shaver) for the first time since my laser this morning and because I knew I would have the house to myself i put on my prettiest black dress and a pair of heels I bought ages ago but will never wear out because the heels are far too impractical... I wanted to see if it made me feel girly as I feel like Dee has been very quiet recently, not gone just not as loud or as certain as she has been. After teetering around making myself a late breakfast my intention was to sit and get some work done on my computer but instead I sat watching "Am I trans enough" videos on Youtube. An hour later I had taken the dress off as my libido was kicking in, dressing female has been heavily ingrained with satisfaction that my body responds automatically quite frequently and I end up horny without quite meaning or wanting to. I came back to the laptop and watched a couple of other videos of people and was disheartened again by the narrative of "I've always known" and "it was change or die" that I always seem to find hard because that has not been my personal experience, the Youtuber said that for her she went to a doctor and had done the Cogiati test, ans was told of course you are trans just get on with it. This is 10+ years ago. Out of interest I googled it and took the test, (3 times lol) I think I got the same thing now that I did when I was going through my online test phase late October - each time I fall into category 4 "Probable Transexual". "What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' transsexual." (the words above are copied straight from the site and are starting to show their age) Lol - even the online quiz, which by the third time of taking it I must have been deliberately attempting to skew answers while still being honest only uses words like "probable". I know that others have taken this test and that in reality it means diddly squat. My score floated somewhere between 170 and 205, though the site doesnt tell you out of what, last time I used a site that had the gradings and scores etc... The 205 was actually when I took the test the first time today, so in fact I became more masculine in my answers as I attempted to become more feminine lol. Problem is I cannot lie, and some of the questions are hard to answer and I never moved out of the same bracket. It seems that I am destined to not have someone tell me one way or the other - although a few very kind people online have told me that I am a transperson because of the content and thoughts that I have shared and that one day soon I will embrace it and move on. I do not really see any of these online tests as being indicative one way or another. I think that a part of me accepts that I must be trans to even want to be seen and recognised as a woman while a part of me just sees this whole process as one long irrevocable disaster waiting to happen. Every online piece of advice states categorically that you should not transition unless you are sure, but that seems to be a luxury that I am not able to afford. I was asked recently if I have a goal or a plan and I honestly do not. My only goal is to truly know who I am and to accept myself. Inner peace will lead to outer peace, I just want to do that with as little drama as possible. Unfortunately while I appear all calm and casual on the outside, inside my brain and emotions are tumbling around like a washing machine on a spin cycle. On the plus side though I have been able to laugh at myself today instead of just sighing. Which I take to be a good sign. x